Saturday, December 20, 2008

what are we even doing

im trying to come to some kind of general conclusion on what we're even doing here...not like here location wise but really more so time. we've been at this for over a year now...its kinda like we're just going through the motions, just walking dead now.... idk....i met him around October of freshman year and got to be really close all of fall semester. i came to Memphis new years day 2008. i drove to Memphis, it snowed, i didn't have my cell phone, and it took me about 4 hours and 45 mins...ridiculous. but i did it, for him i did it. and i think that kind of exemplifies me in a relationship, if im going to put my name on it, put my heart in it, then im all in it and ill come the miles to be with you. im just that kinda girl, some of it comes from me not wanting ppl in my house too long and having to play host but its me none the less, i wanta be able to feel you, i need to be able to feel you. missing gets old-quick. its really not about the sex. but when im here, when we're together i dnt really wanna be anywhere else. but still when im here, when we're face to face and togetehr i cnt help but think, to question what the hell am i still doing here. what is it that keeps me coming back? (no pun, hoes) ask him i dnt pass out cooch like that, i dnt drive hours to stick it. this is actually a hott sexx burning candles free vacation, so then what is it? why is it? that ive said times before that im done, this is silly, we'll never be together, not cities apart, not with the way he can be some times. especially how we ended in spring semester 2008. at times i think i deserve better, someone who isnt quite as selfish, someone more supportive, understanding, nicer. mr all american is a good guy, dnt get me wrong he is a great guy. but im not sure if he's my guy. -sigh- i know he's not mine because im sharing. and someone is probably like maya c'mon youve talked to mr wonderful mr man mr "hasnt been named" Im not sleeping with them. not say he is sleeping with someone else, honestly if he was and i knew for sure, id leave. i dnt ride shared dick. simple as that. the hott sexx burning candles is no team effort. ask, you say? i have. he said he isnt. do i believe it? i want to. thats all i can give you. i wnt say how i know some of things i know but if youve invited ppl to come stop by, see me, etc...i cnt help but think yall bonin'. i really wanna be wrong about that. i really hope im wrong. i think one thing i have, a leg up on some of these girls is that i dnt pass out cooch. i dnt care we've been doing whatever we're calling this for a year now. if we're not exclusive, i keep a "the kicks stay on mentality" (you know how niggas keep their sneaks on when its just a quick bone, when its just some hoe-ive never experienced such things) but its the chase...it keeps him engaged, this is gonna sound terrible, but ive never just...cut lose with him, ill hold back. so his version of the hott sexx burning candles...mild flames. keeps him coming back...lol that sounds terrible.
....i digress....fuck!
ok, im just feeling like this. in every relationship a perosn plays a role. he's mr all american and im the captain of the cheer;eading squad (-gag-) i am naturally a very supportive person, im in your corner, ill trust you, stand by you, and rah rah bullshyt for you, but when my back always goes unpatted that shyt...man, that shyt gets old. its all waaay too one sided. dig? so i guess im just looking for more of a balance. i scratch your back, you scratch mine. show me yours, il show you mine-lol! jp. but really i need some give and take as opposed to all this maya throw your back out and bend over backwards to help everyone else fuckery.
i just wanna know that him, whoever he is, is all mine. oh daydreamer please wake up. what good is this grand love i it just burns bright and explodes in flames...

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