Thursday, April 29, 2010

accept me

i just went back...

back thru my past posts and at times i get GUN DEPRESSING lol sorry bout the low notes but i think this writing this is my release. i wanta say this...everyday is a good day because it was someones last day. smile when it hurts. laugh when you wanta cry. curse and curse loud, censorship is dead. live your life, your way, and for you. maybe, hopefully youll find someone to compliment your swag along the way. he who has the why to survive can overcome most any how. dwell on that. but either i can say i have no regrets, ive made mistakes but nothing i would change. ive grown up, broke down, and started over. its life-my life and i do this because i love it.
be happy, thats the only point of living.

miss me... well im back and still buggin

so my roommate stops by my side of the crizib and she drops a little fact on me. the fact itself is not the point of this post, its her ability to say the very thing i cant. as if to whisper my confession would bring about 2012. maybe its that its too fragile...that the very whisper would kill it stone dead. either scared. ill be honest im not at all a forward person on certain issues. in all actually i have a very high guard in my fragile attempts to protect my sensitive self. and in this one specific frozen stiff, shocked quiet, and tickled pink every time it enters. indescribable...its simply bittersweet and this secret is liable to be the death of me!!
so answer me it mutual?

Monday, April 5, 2010

im not ok

"Maya, whats wrong?"
"whats right..."
when it rains....when it really rains, it pours. im having one of those...lives. it not a day or two, not a week or three-no-its my total existence. im tired of it. when its good its great, bliss. but let one thing go wrong...every single thing...crash, fall, boom. its coming down. i know i sound entirely pessimistic but at this point...thats all i have. im sure ill read this in a month or so and be like "gosh maya, sad much?!" maybe then ill be better but right, im not ok. im doing Meet Me at the Well again, its a revival book. every day has its tasks, its prayers, its confessions and yesterdays was anger. admit when youre angry with things God has allowed in your life. well i was like no, im not angry. ive learned to appreciate the struggle cause it makes the rewards, the sun shine that much brighter. ya right. cunt. its making it rain harder, its ruined my umbrella, soaked me through and through and im tired. im so tired. ive tried, tried to be strong, to get over it, to get thru it...but today, like now but right now...i quit. i give up. crying again. but you know what i wanta cry. that whole "dont cry itll be ok" thing...ya blow it out your ass right now. dont rob me of the only thing i have left. dont take my fury, its keeping me company. i dont wanta calm down, this raw emotion is whats been festering like an open sore and its out, its here. and i want it. i wanta be mad. mad at me, mad at Him. comfort someone else today, ive got my anger to hold me tightly.
close the door, im going to sleep.