i dnt feel like talking

so im coming back to my old ways and typing this junt out.
-slick might record this cause im running thru it pretty fast.

ima point.blank.period. this cause...hell cause i want too.

summer jumpoff's can stay in the summer for all i care. dnt try to make that transition to fall with me cause summer provides a luxury that fall cannot afford. i can be irresponsible in the summer, rip and run, lay up, and dip out. i cant do that in the fall, i wnt do that in the fall.
you cant be cheating if youre not in a relationship. with that said, do you. i would be lying if i said it didnt bother me to hear you hit up some chicken head and got some dome from slaw rat but-BUT-you aint my man.
drake-call it off
ryan leslie-you aint my girl
i get my fair share of play, i pull a cutie every so often but i dnt care to lay on my back for the sake of a nut (excuse my french) i got too much to do to pass out cooch. feel free to dick down who you choose, because i again, you aint my man.
ive never been in love. for all my failed attempts to open up to this guy or that, i dnt find whatever it is im looking for. disheartening, yes. but if its to be itll be.
MaryJane pulled a good one. the kind of man any girl would be happy to call her own. but do i want what she has...no. i want my own. i want "you" to be honest, secure (in self, in us, ok, financially lol who wants a broke boy) a gentleman, strong, funny, supportive, and kind. is that too much to ask. i think im worth that much.
i dnt lie. im sick of saying that. i do not lie. partly cause im bad at, mostly because i think its pointless and an insult to the person's intelligence. its stupid and i dont do it. so to accuse me of lying, i find that so rude. and very disrespectful and yall know damn well i dnt do disrespect.
im a good woman, i know i am. and someone will appreciate me for everything im worth, youre not him so keep it moving. i dnt care to fight your made up mind, if its made up then whats the point. i dnt argue. you got a issue with me, say so, but no one is going to talk to me like a child or yell at me like a dog.
these are the rules, this is my way. get wit it or get lost.

let this be known

life is black and white. there is no gray area, gray areas only represent confusion. i have no room for any more confusion. with that said let me say this. if you wanta mess with/ sleep with/ talk and associate with other ppl, you wnt be associating with me. we all know very well that im very selfish but i just cnt share, not you-ill be damned. i dnt ride shared dick. sorry, thats as blunt as i can be. i respect your wishes but clarify, is it you and me or us and other ppl? thats called gray area. and let this be known, i dnt need a title, i dnt wanta be mrs anything, im in no rush for all that pressure, labels, and bullshyt. also, im not her, youre not him, we are not them. lets just leave all of that where it is-far far away from us. back to the gray, i cnt do the confusion. if you wanta do all this, that, and them just say that. you got yours, i know you do, and as much as it makes me sick i know its true, i know theyre there.... and i dnt wanta whine but this matters to me. everybody wants somebody around to just shoot the muthafuckin breeze. missing gets old, and talking only satisfies so much. ugh... i dnt drive across this state for the damn scenery. and really i dnt do that for anyone, like just honestly, count the miles, cross the rivers, i do that for you. would you do that for me? i've tried, and i cnt help it but i find myself questioning things and i wanta trust you, you say i can, i think i can so tell me better yet show me that youre trustworthy. the miles serve a purpose, distance forces us to believe the words but distance shelters the secrets. maybe i'd feel better if it all wasnt so gray. maybe i need to stop drinking and thinking lol or maybe i need you to just be real and tell me where i stand, what i mean, and that this-whatever we're calling it-that it matters. i benched the squad, dnt make an ass of me for wanting to believe you. some ppl say its not good pimping, benching the team, but i dnt wanta play the games. i hung up my nikes long ago so tell me whats the deal...?

xo, i hope.

what are we even doing

im trying to come to some kind of general conclusion on what we're even doing here...not like here location wise but really more so time. we've been at this for over a year now...its kinda like we're just going through the motions, just walking dead now.... idk....i met him around October of freshman year and got to be really close all of fall semester. i came to Memphis new years day 2008. i drove to Memphis, it snowed, i didn't have my cell phone, and it took me about 4 hours and 45 mins...ridiculous. but i did it, for him i did it. and i think that kind of exemplifies me in a relationship, if im going to put my name on it, put my heart in it, then im all in it and ill come the miles to be with you. im just that kinda girl, some of it comes from me not wanting ppl in my house too long and having to play host but its me none the less, i wanta be able to feel you, i need to be able to feel you. missing gets old-quick. its really not about the sex. but when im here, when we're together i dnt really wanna be anywhere else. but still when im here, when we're face to face and togetehr i cnt help but think, to question what the hell am i still doing here. what is it that keeps me coming back? (no pun, hoes) ask him i dnt pass out cooch like that, i dnt drive hours to stick it. this is actually a hott sexx burning candles free vacation, so then what is it? why is it? that ive said times before that im done, this is silly, we'll never be together, not cities apart, not with the way he can be some times. especially how we ended in spring semester 2008. at times i think i deserve better, someone who isnt quite as selfish, someone more supportive, understanding, nicer. mr all american is a good guy, dnt get me wrong he is a great guy. but im not sure if he's my guy. -sigh- i know he's not mine because im sharing. and someone is probably like maya c'mon youve talked to mr wonderful mr man mr "hasnt been named" Im not sleeping with them. not say he is sleeping with someone else, honestly if he was and i knew for sure, id leave. i dnt ride shared dick. simple as that. the hott sexx burning candles is no team effort. ask, you say? i have. he said he isnt. do i believe it? i want to. thats all i can give you. i wnt say how i know some of things i know but if youve invited ppl to come stop by, see me, etc...i cnt help but think yall bonin'. i really wanna be wrong about that. i really hope im wrong. i think one thing i have, a leg up on some of these girls is that i dnt pass out cooch. i dnt care we've been doing whatever we're calling this for a year now. if we're not exclusive, i keep a "the kicks stay on mentality" (you know how niggas keep their sneaks on when its just a quick bone, when its just some hoe-ive never experienced such things) but its the chase...it keeps him engaged, this is gonna sound terrible, but ive never just...cut lose with him, ill hold back. so his version of the hott sexx burning candles...mild flames. keeps him coming back...lol that sounds terrible.
....i digress....fuck!
ok, im just feeling like this. in every relationship a perosn plays a role. he's mr all american and im the captain of the cheer;eading squad (-gag-) i am naturally a very supportive person, im in your corner, ill trust you, stand by you, and rah rah bullshyt for you, but when my back always goes unpatted that shyt...man, that shyt gets old. its all waaay too one sided. dig? so i guess im just looking for more of a balance. i scratch your back, you scratch mine. show me yours, il show you mine-lol! jp. but really i need some give and take as opposed to all this maya throw your back out and bend over backwards to help everyone else fuckery.
i just wanna know that him, whoever he is, is all mine. oh daydreamer please wake up. what good is this grand love i it just burns bright and explodes in flames...

leave it to my bestfriend/semi point.blank.period

he said it better than we ever could...
"its time to go! get the fuck up out my face"
so eloquent, thanks bff lol
we're all over here trying to make it sweet and metaphorical, fact is we're all getting on edge over little things and we just need ta go our separate ways for a while. dnt expect too much contact, all my local homie's will be back and i gotta kick it extra tough to make up for time lost. i wanta be able to miss yall because the fact is, a few classes a part just isnt doin it for me anymore lol sorry. xo.

so today im spending my happy saturday babysitting, a frequent passtime, and i always seem to learn something new. life lesson number5648971 magnets cnt be eaten. i know they may look delicious my sweet ignorant child but if you put that in your mouth you will choke. and i will laugh. sorry but i told yo ass ta put it back on the fridge. its days like this that i realize ima make a great mommy! but i damn sho dnt want any kidds right now!U-G-muthaf'in-H! these babies are so damn badd some times. game plan: pizza is on its way, baths by 6:30 in bed by 8:30. ill watch hancock once theyre down for the count and do my laundry. ha, the joys of babysitting.

oh so mr all american definitely pissed me off. i was planning to take a little vacation to...the west =) for the weekend right after my final exam but i am poor and i wnt travel broke thats just dumb, and he's gon throw a hissy like im just trippin, no im just smart! ima reschedule tho because i do wanta see tha little whiner.

someone else needs a name...thats all ill say about that. mr...surprise maybe...ill let ya kno

fact is i sleep alone, i cnt get that good facedown action with someone else in my space. im 5'9 slick 5'10 i like ta stretch out and wiggle around, wrap up in my comforter, sleep with my mouth open twitch and stuff lol. i just like ta be alone. sorry mr wonderful, youre still wonderful but this pouting has ta stop lol.

i had a convo with my "little brother" aka lil bro today via texts and he asked about, you guessed it! mr man... ah ha ha haaa. we fell off i told him, and he's all aawww but yall were so cute...lol ya well things change, ppl change, niggas lose they damn minds, etc lol. but really that was probably the first time in a long time that i had thought of us or the lack there of...and ill be real with myself, i miss him. and i doubt he reads this anymore but if you do... i miss you.
whampwhamp back to reality, i returned my cape and bout a bass. RIP loislane...lol

guess who popped the hell up, on some i miss you, can i see you, wear that black dress bullshyt! yurp, once again folks youre right! mr....damn i never named him...okuruhmm...mr...nsa (thats my old high skool and thats where i met him) so ya mr nsa...and ya ive missed him but really is the one person that can get under my skin in the worst of ways. i never can do anything right, i shouldnt have said that (well you shouldnt have asked) and he hates tattoos (i now have 3) its like i go left and he goes right, not that right is correct. matter of fact he is now deemed mr leftright. but i entertained the idea of seeing him when he gets back in town, idk tho...a tad too much pressure.

oh! tell me why a while ago me and dori were talking about greeks and she was like there really is a fraterinty called kappa kappa kappa and she laughs and says ya, put that on a shirt and i chuckle in agreeance and then i was oh! KKK?! thats not gonna be good. ya...i had a moment but that junk was funny. just thought id leave you on a lighter note.

xo out this bit

I'm taking applications for a new boo lol. I hung up my pimpin before skool got back and now that its winter I need that indoor activity (no pun/hella pun).
so you "wanta get to know me better"...? take notes.
xoxo