my life, your entetainment

so this here blogging has become something of a best friend ((not to be confused with THE Bestfriend)) for me. while it offers no good advice or brings me back to reality, it laughs at all my jokes and accepts all my pain. it listens, which is a lot more than i can say for some friends. never judging ...it cold all be so simple... has welcomed me time and time again with open arms and and even more open ears, maybe i should say keys...hell his metaphor is getting too hard.
im stopping by today to say this "if you read my blog, i thank you" you never realize the effects you are having on ppl's lives by simply being you. i made a promise to myself that this would be the one thing i do for me, my one unchanging outlet, and that no one will censor this. i watch my mouth all day, in here ima keep 110. my life has been kind of hard at times. ive been very stupid about some things. ive had to learn some tough lessons. ive cried. ive laughed. ive apologized. and ive been forgiven. all of which is perfectly captured here, day by day with each post. i received a text this morning, thanking me for a post a wrote bck in june "all the things i couldnt say". she said it really shed some light on her present situation. i feel like anyone can relate to anyone because we're all human and some emotions are just universal. still tho, i feel obliged to share some advice so maybe someone somewhere doesnt have to figh the same battle that i lost. i never even realized so many ppl read this blog and while im flattered im also a little embarassed. i put somethings out here that i normally would have never said. letting ppl in isnt easy at all, some one is like but youre cool with everyone, ya "cool" i dnt let most ppl in past a certain pnt. sorry to my "friends" but i just dnt trust like that. let me clarfy, i trust everyone until you prove to me youre untrustworthy. no, i dnt just walk around confiding in strangers, the contrary, i dnt say anything until i know your trust level = trevel. once that is decided then i assign your depth of friendship and to what extent i will let you in. granted, ive made some mistakes, let the wrong ones too close, kept the right ones too far, even misplaced ppl all together-im human. but my blog has been the been the perfect confidant for all my issues, the perfect praise for all my achievements, the perfect shoulder for my tears, and still the perfect shrug for all my confusion. so if youre reading this, know that i dnt do this for kicks, i do this because i have a dome full of thoughts, ideas, emotions, and stories and i have to get it out or im araid my head with bust and flap around the room like a rapidly deflating baloon, or worse, itll fall of my shoulders and smash like a watermelon.

i never knew

i never knew it was this bad-well i guess i did but im shocked now because its becoming so much worse. he used to be my best friend...i wanted to be just like him when we were kids...he was my epitome of cool.
i see him in my face because we look just alike but when i look into his face i dnt know the man staring me back. empty eyed, he replied "everything is fine" the one of many lies. idk when he took the turn for the worst but its so easy to blame it on his rich white friends, or the white trash he calls friends, none of them are real friends... maybe its his soon to be baby mama, or maybe it was back in high skool when he cracked under the pressure. labeled a failure i think he is just subconsciously playing the role.
he's in way over his head now, doing things we never raised to do. "a sawed off is federal" i told him "a digital scale is federal" i reminded him. but even at his worse i just knew he would turn it around, pull it off and remarkbly become everything he was destined to be, proving everyone wrong we'd high five at his rise to success. that beacon of hope is a flickering candle in increasing winds.
ive prayed for his safety, for his future, for his soul; but im afraid now that they have gone unheard, unanswered. i never knew it would be like this, im sure if had that i may have been able to save him. everyone else has given up on him, wrote him off, and renigged their love-im all he has. turn my back on him? wash my hands of it? how could i do that?! why would i even want to?! i know that its bigger than me, that i cant protect him but im still ALL he has. im his one true friend, his only real love, his final glimpse of agape (google it.) im the last fan, the only cheeleader, the head and assistant coach but its 4 and long im not sure he make it out of this one.
my biggest fear in my life is that theyll call and tell me my brother is dead and thatll be the night i missed his call.

trying to be mature about this

you know how when you know things are whinding to an end its still really different from things ending. even when things were wack i cnt say that i didnt still wanta be in this. i gave it all i had to give so i guess there's nothing left. its been real. that sounds so cliche but its been real. really though, youre not the same person i met so long ago, its a good change, but a very hard change. i hope this is better for you though, just you.

xo
M&M

because it matters

Life lesson number 597643157 keep it btwn me and you. Outside opions and thoughts hav no place in something that was meant for 2 ppl. You cnt listen to everybody b/c consciously or subconsciously you're taking some of it to heart. Trust yourself and your judgement.

I'm sorry.

Like lesson 597984618 put yourself in their shoes. Something you may think is harmless could be hurting or upsetting someone else. Be open enough to see if from his point of view so that the necessary adjustments can be made.

I'm sorry.

XO

if you dnt know what today is...

you should be SHOT AND SMACKED WITH A PLANK!
so me and reggie were so blessed to receive tickets to the actual swearing!!! nigga!! I was like WHAT THE FUCK?! HEAVENS TO BETSY!! this has bn an awesome trip. thank God, I need this.
ill have bookoo (yall remember that word?! lol) blogs to rip all this later.
xo loves DEMOCRACY

sigh of relief

it seems like wheneveri get really upset by something it gets cloudy...honestly or some other element comes about its crazy sounding I know bit I'm serious. so ill be feeling all down then it gets all cloudy and when I think I've got no one else, like I'm better off blogging to the endless world of cyberland, the clouds part and I'm bathed in a peak of sun. my skin is warmed and it all doesn't seem quite so bad...

its still fucked up but ya ill be straight

not going back

the last time I felt like this I ended up at the lake. I refuse, hands down re-fucking-fuse, to feel like this. I'm done allowing the actions of some to completely effect me. I'm better than this, all of this adversity and bullshyt, all this nonsense and fuckism, is going to be channeled into something positive. I'm not sure what but its going to be something, anything, other than tears, frustration, and anger.
shouts out ta the truest of the true, I dnt know where i'd be without yall...
xo

take comfort

you kno my favorite thing about life?
no matter how bad the night, tomorrow will come.

for the first time, in a long time

my house is full of my family. my mom my stepdad, my granny, my brother and his girl and baby in the oven. they arent staying buy ppl are here and im like...wow this is my family. i didnt pick 'em sometimes i dnt even like 'em but this is them. ya, it gets bigger cousins and aunts and -ish but i was justs itting thinking about the ppl that share my name, my blood, and yes walt, my nose and i have to say yes, i love them.
ive come to realize tho that my friends have become a lot like family. so in my brief moment of getting in the season's spirit, if youre readiong this...i love you. and i hope you know because i need you in my life, i love you more than words, and im happy i have you in my life.

Love/Hate 2008

hated the spring after the really bad fight.
loved those who stood by me.
hated the negative attention it brought.
hated my scarred and battered body.
loved that it wasn't and could hav bn a lot worse.
loved that freshman yr was over.
hated my grades.
loved the triumph tho.
hated the rocky relationship just before summer.
loved that I got myself out of it.
LOVED summer. LOVED!
summer loves:
strawberry sneaka (go spence)
spence and lloyd. period.
leandria lott! that kidd roxx
mr mann. good times.
getting tatted with aleesa!
all the summer sets.
the massive amounts of alcohol I consumed.
danny glover! yayy danndann and the georgianade
alexis moore! my nigga
man just everybody I kicked it wit all summer.
hated that 8 to 5
loved them checks
hated all those tickets! ugh!
loved the dark night! say it lloyd, why so serious?
hated that it all had to end.
loved, yes loves TSU.
hated-thoroughly hated financial aid and the bad publicity.
loved falling in love all over again with my bestfriend! ABSOLUTELY LOVED MY BESTFRIEND. Reginald Tyrone Swann, Jr. aka BESTFRIEND! my fav, hands down.
loved falling in love with the new "best friends"
DORIAN MUTHAFUCKIN TOWSEND! aka doodle booskie
FRANKIE DdotC SEABRON! aka vampire rabbit
WALT THAT NIGGA PARKER! aka walt-peezy
LEANDRIA POOHBEAR LOTT! aka lottroxx
ERIC TOOCUTE KELLY! aka imjustdoin'
man loved AMINIKA AND KERRYN aka witcha bitchassz
hated that any of us ever had beef.
love that we all moved forward closer and stronger.
loved the late night convos with Le
hated making up in the morning
"are we going to class" "no" "zzzzzz"
loved fall semester classz and fall semester grades!
hated procrastinating
loved all the moments:reggie winking, frankie falling again and again, the awkturtles, the drinking, the tears, the hugs, the love.
hated the day that never happened
loved the moment in the kitchen and watching the sunrise. martin and coretta.
loved learning to play bass
hated dropping him in the hall
loved new loves
loved more the ones that remained thru it all. ♥
loved that me and my brothers got so close. love them.
hated it took sooo long.
hated that some relationships ended
happy I ever had you at all
loved watching "The Coach" lol
loved more watching her hang up the whistle to play it one on one.
hated that my step dad got sick
loved that prayer works.
hated my mother
loved my mother
loved the fact that everyday is a new day
hated the fact that its alwways darkest before dawn
loved my God.
hated the devil.

its really bn a hell of a yr and while a lot of it has left a lasting effect on me I cnt help but say thank God for another yr, some cnt say that.
in the yr to come I declare to better and stronger, happier and smarter, and come hell or high water I'm counting it all joy.

ps I gotta kiss on new yr's so next yr will be filles with love lol pucker up.