feelingsnfiascos.tumblr.com

when i say this is the cutest thing ever i mean EVER!

Otters hold hands when they sl;eep so they dont drift apart...aaaawwww

glumbert - Otters hold hands

sometimes men say it best

WE CANT DO THIS RIGHT NOW BUT IF WE'RE REALLY MEANT TO BE...FATE'S GUNNA FIND A WAY TO PULL US BACK TOGETHER. JUST GOTTA BE PATIENT.

i find as women we're often trying to find some prolific way to say the obvious and courtesy of yaphilme.tumblr.com he's said it best.

BEING HAPPY DOESNT MEAN THAT EVERYTHING IS PERFECT-JUST THAT YOUVE DECIDED TO LOOK BEYOND THE IMPERFECTIONS

-throws up hands-

im sick of bitching. i feel like my entire blog, which was intended to be an outlet of creative expression, has turned to a sappy ass diary about the BKS (best kept secret) but apparently ive been fooling myself about that. all i do is whine...so annoying and give advice i cant bring myself to live by. im reclaiming ...It Could All Be So Simple... im taking it back to the light hearted matter of fact chronicles of my life. every day is not bad, in all actuality most of my days are great! i shoulda bn dead years ago, i refuse to kill my own damn joy daily. i wanna be happy, i wanna write happiness, giving you all my happiness...so no more whiney Maya-I'm back. no censorship, no sympathy. of course ill have my days but this blog was supposed to be for me, about me ALL of me, but its just become so one dimensional....so look if something comes up that you want me to discuss, if you need advice, whatever shoot me an email mayamatt07@yahoo.com and ill shout it out.

you have to let go to move forward. you have to forgive to forget, and you have to laugh to truly live. i wish you happy feelings.

have a giggle on me!

dummbass

me and my love songs...

here's a few of my current and latest love songs...each one come at a different angle so its not just sappy bs lol

love this Keri Hilson joint. ill send this one out to my Little. sometimes you gotta say enough was too much kiddo.

now this one is just TOO catchy! i loved it the first time i saw it! makes you just feel pretty. hope someone feels this way about me =)

good make up and break up action...never miss the water til the world runs dry. hope you learn to appreciate the good things in your life so you never have to miss them more than "see ya when you get back" this one gets super glued in my head makes you wanna bust out in song in class. shoutout to j. cole for puttin out some good music. this one is for the silly bastards i call my ex's lol

for all the hood lovers lol soulja boy got my vote for this track tho, the chorus is cute.

My nigga kanye...smh....love the artistry the combo of hard and soft the talent ugh, i cant say enough RUNAWAY. this one is for my dudes who know their jerks. better to know and admit it than to lie and hurt us.

MY FAV!! really proud of Nicki for this one, showing some great versatility. puttin on for the ladies, good job Barbie. this one is for those closest to me...

Do you remember...

"Thursday morning rambling"
I have that same professor again but this time I'm here at 5 pm....dagger. Idk why but when I sit in courses like this one my mind takes off like crazy...
Lately there have been several events, different people, and small catalyst that have ignited something in me. The only one I'll share is this... I picked up my ex from the airport last week. He called from a pay phone at his layover and says he left his phone on the last flight and asks me to get him...of course me being the sweetheart I am, agree. Next scene. At the airport I have to park cause I have no way to call him, of course I look great (never be seen by an ex looking anything but your best) so as soon as I walk in I get hit with a strong dejavu. This isnt the first time was a loving gf all smiles to get her love from visiting his family. I see him from a far grabbing his bags and for the first time in a long time I missed him, I smiled. Keep in mind my ex is fine, baby boy is bad...smh, bites lip...so he walks up,wraps me up and breathes me in like he missed me more than he can begin to say. Next scene. So we're driving out the airport and he says "you got a hour or 2 for me" (stop being nasty lol) he wanted to go eat. Ok, I say all that to say this...he appreciates me. He adored me when we were together and he's remained loyal and true after we called it quits. It was what I needed. I needed to be reminded of my worth and looked at like I'm precious.
I di my best to take something from anyone I deal with, to learn something about myself, and apply a lesson to my life. Randi taught me I'm special that I embody the characteristics that men love in good women. It's not that I ever doubted my love but as a woman...I need to hear it. I heard it last week, thank you.
If you're reading this I hope you encounter someone that gives your life meaning. Maybe we weren't in love, maybe we were just giddy kids telling secrets under the moon at the lake and entertaining ideas of real love. I knew we weren't going to be forever, he's too bad, too thug. I loved his detroit accent and those timberlands and fitted caps. Oohh and all thise tattoos....damn. But his love and his commitment is priceless. He was confirmation of worth, my gentle beast. I never want a be a trophy, they seem empty and all looks to me, but he showcased me proudly, not like look what I pulled but a physical reminder that he was better than where he was, that he could be more than what he's been. If I ever I had a chance at love he would be it. Unconditional, no make-up, no money, real happiness, that was the year I grew the most, learned the most, and fell the deepest.
I say all that to say this...I am special. Some times you have to tell yourself because the person you may wanna hear it from hasn't noticed yet. Think highly of yourself , not overly prideful but high enough to know you deserve the best that life has to offer.

since im CLEARLY not sleeping

ill give you my top rated...

Flight Facilities- Crave You

Tegan and Sara- This is Everything

" ": Call it Off

" ": The Con

Lauryn Hill: iGotta Find Peace of Mind

Bilal: Think it Over

Jennifer Chung: Almost

Jordin Sparks: Next to You

Kate Nash: Mouthwash

" ": Navy Taxi

look beyond the titles and the mix of genres explore the lyrics theyre all really beautiful songs

insomnia

aka....music CRAZE!!

while today is still today, choose well...if it cant down this way, rebel.

theres always a song

and this one here something like PERFECT!

when it doubt...sing it out. all the things i could never say always seem to be in a random song. found this one while brosing my youtube subscriptions...OnDeck is one of my fav youtube-er's she always has great ecclectic music that never fails to say what i cant seem to muster in myself or mold my lips to say...so there ya go. enjoy!

excuse me while i be a girl...

i dont like categories but if this makes me "a girl" hell im as girl as i come! i want attention! i wanna be that girl that makes the world go round for someone. ive never been a jealous person and i still stand by that but i REALLY dont like to share. it has nothing to do with insecurities, im very sure and confident in myself but there's something extremely rude in dividing attention that i want for myself. that sounds spoiled as hell but fuck it it is what it is and theres just somethings im not down to share.

next. i have a handful of little sisters, a select few and i hold them very dear to my heart and that being said, they may not read this but hopefully i remember to tell them, youre wonderful...never let anyone sell you short. wait for no man. do as i say not a do obviously but guard your heart if youre not sure dont put your love on the table, it just makes a mess. its tru you cant help who you love, not necessarily in love b/c i cant speak on that, but what you can control is how far you let your love go. maintain a limit or youll be 5 years down the road still clinging to a moment that you probably hyped up in your hopes for a spark. when its real you'll know. this one is for you "little one" he's not ready. he's not sure. what you have shared thus far is as real as the day is long but just like the day ends so does the moment and when you leave, he goes back to her. some ppl cant let go of the familiar, some ppl want so badly to have back what they had when things first started but nothing stays the same and you can never change someone else. if ppl arent a good fit they cant be forced. its like a puzle, smash the pieces where you want them to go and the picture never takes shape...give them time let, them fall where theyre meant and youll get whats supposed to be. time...time is what this takes. we're young, theres time.

i have 2 whole tears in the bucket...my plans always fall through so fuck it. i take what i get, hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. im an optomist, a hopeless romantic, and grounded. never let yourself float away into the dreams that wont be reality. dont play yourself. if he wants you, he'll say so. if he doesnt he'll say shyt like "been knew that." #dagger. i dont speak fluent boy but i do speak english and that sounds a lot like "oh, ya i figured that but i dont feel the same." happens to the best i guess.

dang shawty! hell you bn?!

i know you missed you cause swettaBOB i missed yall too. sometimes when theres nothing happening theres nothing to say...but in this case truth be told its been WAAAAYYY to much happening to know where to start. this is gonna be real broken and speratic but i just need to say something/reiterate somethings.

thursday evening rambling....

i stepped off a cliff and fell flat on my face.

ive never snitched.

i think im over being single.

but i just cant settle.

i finally got some balls, and then got kicked 'em...shoulda kept my mouth shut.

some ppl say certain things when theyre jealous or really hurt just to get even...but that wasnt very nice and you know it wasnt.

im rapidly going poor...i need a job! im too hirable to be this unemployed!

uhm...brain fart

so my friend..."juice" lol remember him he's entering into a new love and i feel like this one has the potential to be real. as happy as i am...i think im a little jealous. i wantg him to be happy but i wanta know that happiness as well...(girl moment)

im becoming increasingly less trusting of ppl around me.

my friends are the only family ive had the pleasure to grow with, thats why i love them so, thats why i come no matter what, thats why i cant give up on you all.

im sorry.

i hope that you realize i meant what i said and it took me years to get to the point to admit it...

another GREAT year!!!

had to rush and get this in as its 17 min's before NATIONAL REGGIE T DAY is over.....

with that Happy BBBBEEEEEHHHHDAY BESTFRIEND! you gave me an amazing birthday, and i hope yours was something wonderful too!

love you Martin

-C

dont LIE to me.

theres not much else that needs to be said after that but in recent convo with good friends its become apparent that some ppl are liars! if you know me you'd know i cant lie partially because i cant but mostly because i dont see the point. im not dumb dont play me. keep up and youre cut.

dreadhead shawty!

so i said i wanted 'em. ive been infatuated with them so dammit i did it.

if i dont do anything else i damn sho keep my word!

like NO WAY

is that...omg it is! so i guess then...damn I am! i think im getting sick! probably form the close quarters of corporate america and their ice cold office spaces! FML i dont have time to be sick!
fyi, i no longer work there so maybe i can shake this bug with a good day of rest. hoes got jealous i was beastin that hoe, tried to pinch me out...fuck yall i gotta go back to skool anyway. i never knew grown women could be so caddy, petty, and envious of and towards a young adult such as myself. dont be mad i slaughtered that job, im young i know computers like yo old ass knows woodstock! jealousy is so not a good look...get over it.

its doesnt have to be a war!

ITS JUST HAIR!
so by now we all know ive decided to get dreaded up! and to those few ive actually told ive received very polar responses. all my Happy Nappy friends Doodle MaryJane RikaMyLove CourtneyTheBody TayTooFancyHuh and of course AleesaFace are all like welcome to the Nappy Side and i love them for their support. while others have been like YOURE GONNA DO WHAT?! OMG THAT SO NOT YOU! SO NOT CUTE! well you select few must KNOW me as well as you THOUGHT you did cause ive always wanted Locks.
now let me be clear...im not all on this go green, embrace the roots natural kick, it really makes me no difference this is a change ive wanted for me! not necessarily the emancipation of the enslavement of perm its by no means that radical. if Locks was a processed style id still do it!
but while i was reading one of Jah's posts where she interview a natural girl a question was posed on her thoughts on the statement "natural isnt for everyone" guess i could go click and look but Harajukku is dying and im in a rush. but the girl in turn responds with...

I kind of have to agree....its not about beauty but some ppl dont want natural hair there for its not it isnt for you. theres nothing wrong with straight hair. It's when ppl begin to tear one another down for having the hair they have, thats when i get upset!

Somebody give this girl a cookie! thank you! theres nothing that makes me madder (not a word) than #TeamNatural knockin #TeamCreamyCrack thats just some ppl's swag. just be cause ur natural doesnt make u more Black! just because ur sew-in doesnt give you more swag. beauty isnt skin deep.long hair dont care doesnt only apply to natural hair. if you workin yo Yaki bitch work it, if you killin the game with your fro ill arrange the funeral. do you! stop knockin other ppl. as for me, i cant do the big chop! call me vain or whatever else its just not me. now when i show up dreaded up dont look at me like i betrayed my team...no hoe! i stayed tru to me.

i just fell in LOVE!

like im forreal this time. i know im hopeless. but really im in LOVE! and i couldnt be happier because he'll never reject me bc more than likely he'll never know me lol i was browsing thru a few of my fav blogs and came to Jah aka Rachel Beau's spot and met Bilal. ive heard him before but theres a song up on her page by him called "think it over"...its on REPLAY as we read. im so in love! i cant really relate but its simply beautiful...-deep pensive thought-
i wish you could marry a song. maybe thats y i love music, because itll never reject me. never tell me "i dont like that dress" never say "we're thru" as long as it keep playing we can keep loving and every time i hum the lyrics its like a first kiss with all the excitement and sweetness. maybe music is better men because while i may never hear what i wanna hear from some guy, never get what i think i deserve from him, maybe he wont call or stand me up...i can guarantee that ill get exactly the same thing every time i push play.
i think ill start saying that to guys when they hit on me "hey sweetheart let me holla at ya" "put your best love on a track so i can play it back cause i dont want your disappointment you cant keep that"

favorite lyrics "you know ill always have a thing for you, and if i deny it id be lying to myself."
"ill always have a whole in my heart, ill always have a special place for you ya. and ill keep it safe for you. if you just, just wait for me. just wait and see, i aint goin no where. ill always have a place..."

the wind blows...my dreads swing

ive been gone a while, busy, tryna make it. but im back! and im doing this post with a fact about Yours Truly! I LOVE DREADS! i always have, i think they are just so pretty when theyre nice and small and neat.

now i know im a warrior for the creamy crack and im honestly not at all on this GoGreenNatural kick but i do sincerely want dreads. not for the natural positivity but more so for the ecentric beauty of them. needless to say im entertaining the idea of locking my hair. but we all know im not up for the BIG CHOP/START FROM SCRATCH nothing against those who had the courage to go for it, its just not a good look for me so i did a little research and found dread extensions...now ive had twists before and i used to think i looked childhish but its all in styling. anywho, when i had twists after an inch of new growth my hair would begin to lock on its own, therefore i know my hair can handle it its just a matter of the first step...

being that my hair is naturally like sheeps ass (strong tight coils, but still soft) ive always had a perm to manage this mane! when consistently done my hair does well with a perm but with out out/in twists my hair grows likie a weed! in all actuality, dreads dont have to be perminent but i know if i do this ill love 'em and be married to the naps!

ive rambled enough...i need your help! leave out your bias on chemicals and processed hair and tell me which style you like best on me, what suits my personality ya kno. im posting pics of me with twists so you can get a general idea of me with locks as i would probably try to keep them crinkled i just think its more feminine and cutesy and also pics of how i wear my hair now.

summer boots

so i have taken a recent liking to summer boots and subtly hidden heels.

on my recent trip to Columbus i fell head over heels, skinned my knee, and cried for these Aldo purple, peep-toe, back tie, linen wedges.

pretty cute huh! i think i like 'em so much cause they're just soooo different! i havent seen anything quite like it, therefore i must have it!

ugh, and these tan boots folded boots came in a close second. they come up to just under or at mid shin. great linen fabric again but its such a light color id cry tears of fury to see them get dirty!

nonetheless they are quite regal, timeless in their simplistic design. no studs, no rhinestones, just a small accent snap and strap on the bag. such small and classic touches...they speak to my inner fashionable heart.

hope you like...if not, kick rocks no socks and i hope the thong breaks in your 2 for 5 flip flops and you fall and rip your baby phat jeans and skin your chin!

Agnus

so i want a dog, like its a Serious Matter (no AKA). i have a void a longing for companionship and its in the 4 legged variety! a little puppy dog name Agnus! i just have to have her! ugh! i cant stand the loneliness!! -whistles- aaagggnnnuuusss......-puppy comes panting with joy!-

in a convo with my LS about my loneliness she say you need a man. i reply "fuck that, ill take a dog. it doesnt talk, i can train it, it wont even ask where ive been just happy i came home!"

now thats love!

so we all know im in love with ink but it really PISSES me off when ppl mark their bodies with some senseless shyt....aka...the following...

you like hearts??

so...are you rachel?

i hope your ble$$ing is gonna get you a job? cause no one wants ta shake your tatted hand and offer you a job

Boss....Bitch...ma'am....find some steps and fall down them...land on knives...get up and repeat

DIE JUST FUCKIN DIE!!

music.news.fashion.shoes

these are the 4 reasons i fux wit my guy pat's blog! www.nerdygoon.blogspot.com

just doin some random read-by's and read thru the last month of pat's! he's got news clips i havent even heard about, my favorite damn shoes! Supras i have 2 pairs of the Societys matter of fact. and great music playing.

my guy pat...ya, i fux with that blog!

this post was a little hood but yall kno i love good shyt! lol

the 600th post

-crowd goes wild, ooh's and aahh's-

i just got home from the club and shit. i put that fukkin dress on and worked it bitch!

this is my 600th post, i think this is a mile stone...over half way to a stack. maybe i talk too much, hopefully i dont depress you lol but i just be speakin my good mind. anywho, i think this deserves a dedication...and to who else but...The Best Fukkin Friend! DUH!
guess im feelin sentimental/drunk, maybe i just cant sleep. which ever it is...here goes...

for you constant support and confidence...for your unmatched swag and steelo...for the phonetic alphabet...for you just being you...for that peach long island...for steppin it out, the reggie dance...for 2 tears in a bucket, fuck it...for your secrets and keeping mine...ILY. this one here is for you. together we shut that muffukka down. despite my constant whining and complaining you always seem to call, "good morning". in our world its always friday "its Friday its Friday and Reggie its on you..." i hope i simply mean half as much to your life as you grant fulfillment to mine. "you make me happy"


-toast- here's to you and here's to me. and if we should ever disagree..then fuck you and here's to me! up to, down to it...we do it cause we used to it...say fuck those that dont do it cause we get it!

million dollar smiles =)

Maddox is ONE YEAR OLD

HAPPY BDAY TO MY LOVE!! ONE YEAR LATER AND IM STILL IN LOVE!!

i give you all my love X and O's

MyMy loves you

hey maya, they killed your friend

wait what?! ya thats how i got the news that the kid across the street from my parents. the kidd i grew up with is dead. idk if its more upsetting that he was a good kid, that he wasnt doing the wrong thing, that it was a stray bullet, or that i feel guilty for still being alive. every so often when someone dies i feel this overwhelming guilt for surviving. i feel so bad, maybe not that im alove but that he didnt make it. a single shot to the head. he was in atl, i was just there, and they call his family to get to atl and by morning they have to unplug him because his organs were failing. unplug your own child?! like i couldnt imagine.

my prayers go to his family. im sorry seems so pointless but Lord knows im so sorry.

if you learn nothing from this blog, nothing else from my existence learn this: every day is a blessing. if it was good or bad it was a day. someone else never got that. be happy, CHOOSE to be happy. despite the everyday bullshit that life brings i love it. i hope you do too...

RIP kiddo, see you on the other side.

wait let me vent! STOP ALL THIS FUCKIN POINTLESS ASS VIOLENCE! YALL MUTHAFUCKAS NEED TO LEARN TO TALK ABOUT SHYT AND STOP POPPIN THESE WEAK ASS GUNS! THESE PEOPLE ARE SOMEONE'S CHILD, SOMEONE'S SIBLING! STOP ROBBING FAMILIES OF THEIR LOVED ONES! IM SO SICK OF THIS SHYT LIKE IT FRUSTRATES THE HELL OUTTA ME THAT YALL IGNANT ASS KIDDS NEVER GOT A DAMN HUG SO YOU JUST WANNA KILL KILL KILL LIKE WHAT THE FUCK! FATHER FORGIVE ME BUT YALL SHOULD BURN IN HELL FOR THE PAIN YOUVE CAUSED!

ink my whole body

cause i dont give a muthafukk!

if i wasnt an aspiring professional, a lady in the streets (ya dig), if i wasnt so self conscious (you know you are too in some way or another) id be so hit up, so inked. cause ever since September of 2007 ive been hooked. i only have 4 but i NEED more.

i did a little research for a project in high school on tattoos and fell head over everything in love. so this is how it works...1st pay your respects to your ancestors/parents. i did "daddy's lil girl" a wrap around wrist piece. then i did "JL" on my shoulder. i love that piece cause it was signed on my skin, so theyll never be another like it! top that! so then you begin to organize and capture your life, achievements, and all the things you go thru, learn from, and hopefully overcome. 3rd i did "Love Life" behind my ear. while that spot is a trendy tatt spot, i chose that spot and that phrase for the ever tragic gun shot wound it surrounds. so last summer i was feeling really stuck, stagnant in my current state. i was in need of change, progression and i just happened to read the entire collection of Maya Angelou's novels. the first is I Know Why The Caged Bird Sing that piece moved me, inspired me. if youve never read it, this is your invitation. ill even let you borrow my copy-nevermind. i dont share shyt i love. but Borders has it...any who, after that book and dwelling in my state i moved out, bought an apartment, stepped out on faith, and sang of freedom. my last tatt is a hummingbird taking flight off my back and the phrase "the caged bird sings of freedom" and bird cage off in the distant. thats another original piece. gon head and hate.

so next...i think i wanna defend my art. ive caught alot of slack for my ink, "Really Maya, youre a lady thats not beocming" "so when are you gonna stop" bitch never! and ya im still a lady me and my ink. so im listening to Lupe Fiasco and he made he made a comment about compromising for other people. my twist "never compromising. this is me...in ink." i want the ink to look like tagged graffiti, dripping, kinda messy. i like this line too "Love is 3 steps off a cliff: trust hope fall." i want the fall to be falling tho. ill put that one on my foot. ok this is my grand piece. on your side, just under your tittage. a cracked hour glass. within the sand in the glass "iff all we have is time" and then the spilled sand "dont waste mine" theres quite the story behind that one...well not really quite the story but a story, so i want it none the less.

i guess thats enough for now...

ill post pics of me that show my tatts well...enjoy.

i realized i dont have one of my ear piece...sorry.

love...

dress 1 to DIE for...light and airy and TADAH!! its razor backed. i want it in yellow. i needs to be more like BOW!

aztec razorback with bow. thats actually what its called i didnt make that up. but either way the pattern calls to me, the razor back belongs with me, and bow is just precious!

needless to say....GIMME!!

shoe one is EXACTLY what ive invisioned when it comes to this whole boot meets sandal aka bandal obsession. slouchy and leather trimmed...9.5 please!

and lastly the oxford. i like this one bc its more summer the ones ive been finding. white and camel. i could go with alot.

all items available at a place i found. fuck no i wont tell you so you can go buy all the shyt i cant afford. BIT! sorry for ya! and dont let me see you in my shyt...ima go HAMsterdam

hol'up hol'up hol'up

i MUST stop and pay MAD RESPECT to a fellow blogger Ms. Brittany for this outstanding tribute to fashion, individuality, and hot pink lipstick!
3 reasons it was cyber love at first click!
1. her url .... http://www.pocketsandbows.blogspot.com/ POCKETS!! hello ppl! act like you know me
2. she is soooo fashion forward, so chic, so clean line, and BOLD! 2 snaps work it honey!
3. she's a big girl! and i dont knw what you heard but aside from tall girls, big girls run it too! and say what you want but im a big girl myself and i LOVE to see my fellow thickness sisters workin some fashion! you doin me proud honey, keep up the damn good work!

oh damn, maybe there are 4 reasons...SHE HAS OXFORDS! anyone who knows me should know ive been madly obsessed with Oxfords since Jah aka Beau worked 'em on campus. it was love at first site but her midget toesies wouldnt allow me to even think of borrowing them...hussy. any who. guess im done!
but follow Brittany her blog is giving me so much joy!

lets talk fashion

lets talk pretty things! lets talk toe nail polish and little skirts. lets talk summer do's and sun dresses. lets talk all things girl! cause right now im in LOVE with summer clothes and in HATE with my lack of funding to support my summer urge to SHOP like Reggie takes shots! i think im gonna post some pictures of this great little H&M number i got in atlanta with the Bestfriend when we went to Erykah Badu and Maxwell (ya thats right, i know youre jealous, cause im slick jealous for you!)
my summer attire
-short skirts, mostly short because im so long (and tall girls run it fyi) but ya the shorter the better with out letting your chattahoochie fall out.
-colors- much like this new back ground i want to embrace more colors. loud and bold. and patterns. shout out to the bomb ass zig zag tee from American American apparell. ya, i see you hatin.
-tank tops!- razor back only please and thank you. really feeling the thin, light weight baggy ones theyre so grungy chic, so gulch goes glam. and they shoe off your bra, even just black they highlight, subtle and sexy.
-pockets. pockets?! -smacks lips, sigh- hell ya POCKETS! im head over heels, yes ill have your babies, say some shyt you dont mean in the heat of the moment in love with pockets! on my shirts, on my skirts, in my dresses! theyre so posh, so funny. quirky even. like pockets on a dress? -cocks head- why yes! theyre quite handy i might add. its like hey wheres my phone?! oh ya its in my....POCKET!! -slaps knee
so yes, this summer give me all things short! give me loud colors and bold patterns. i want shoulders out, cute bras. and baby i want pockets!!

i smile

because here lately as badd as some things have gotten, i keep pulling thru. id be one selfish lil BBEETTT if it didnt give that accomplishment to God, so 'ppreciate it big homie. always workin it out. cause CLEARLY i be doin somethin wrong, everything WRONG lol. im over qualified for everything, im too expensive to employ, and too experienced for bs. well damn...nigga needs another job. especially considering im robbing the gov blind. theyll probably take my thieving ass to jail! yes im a stealer and a thief= a stief. i cant go to jail, ill be somebody's tall bitch! that just aint right... but anywho once that tax money runs out ima need to be pullin in some legitimate guapo!
i digress...
ive been so happy lately! like wake up smiling, go to sleep smiling. not that i was ever a sad person (however looking at past posts, i have been slightly dim in my outlook) oh well 2 tears in a bucket, fuck it! im back, and im happy!
i sound like im on speed or something...i promise i dont do drugs! just hugs!

new layout

while its FAR from what i was trying to achieve i like it...im still playing around with some things. if i can get that ill be well over excited til then...this will do.

since im here....

ive TOTALLY blown my summer diet/weight loss plan in a matter of days. btwn atlanta and this bday cake...ima die a BEACHED WHALE!

im poor...yes like impoverished and stressfully poor...smh, something has to give.

i need a summer boo...hell i need a boo period. its gun lonely at 315. while my roomie is pullin more than her share its still a complete drought round here.

b/c of others mistakes and irresponsibilities im in a bit of a pickle. send one up for ya girl cause this is somethin like crucial!

GO CELTICS THAT IS ALL

Nothing else even matters I'm happy

Master Cleanse my soul!

so im doing the master cleanse right and its quite the ordeal. you drink nothing but the lemonade all damn day. of course my litttle fat ass couldnt do that so i eat something cause im quickly prone to headaches. i eat small and very light once a day. since the diet lacks protein i eat egg whites, peanuts, and cheese. not together but i try to much one at some point. hopefully those good fats and proteins will pay off.

i STILL havent been to the bathroom. and for someone who is like clock work im all types of pissed! LITERALLY! all i do is PISS! im slick scared that when i do make the doo...its gonna be some kind of awful but i really feel some kind of way about this involuntary clog ive got now! ugh!

im not going to be too optomistic and hope i lose like 20 pounds but i do wanta kick start a much healthier diet and more fit physique.

i think ima train like a ball player again. that running and conditioning really works. so ima be in somebody's gym working out again. im not too much for the weights so im really only hittling the gym gym for my upperbody. i can run to flatten and tone.

im excited tho!! this is 3 and im doing pretty good, ill admit ive been tired like today i took a nap around 430/5 and woke up at 9....all bad. i missed two drinks while i was out. but tomorrow ima take a run and see how i feel, hopefully it kick starts my metabolism and energy levels!

ill keep you posted.

im out this thang, bout to go skee phi it up nshit

lose myself in love, thats just the way it is...

so yes the rumors are true (echo true true true) Lauryn is BIZZACK. ive been sitting here simply antsy to hear this track....spent a few minutes to think on the title and dream of what this was gonna be....i was thinking a Loss of Self after being gone for so long and now she's back. i knew it was gonna have some love somewhere in it....ok, the rundown...

Lyrics-great!

Beat/Engineering- its more poppy, techno than the Lauryn i love but its an interesting composition. definitely not a head knodder...more of the beat the steering wheel, tap your thumb joint

Vocals- same raspy runs and heartfelt pitch but she rides this beat awkwardly in parts. like i see where she's going but at times it like a live performance and she's tired she's holding parts for rest and skipping syllables to keep up or something. she just doesnt ride it like i woulda hoped.

Overall- its a B. im super stoked she's back and ill definitely be singing this doing dishes nshit slowed down the way the lyrics seem to be calling to be...but thats just for my own enjoyment and release.

i really cant complain...ive been missing her like crazy so now thats its here, ya ima take whatever she gives. truth be told i wasnt riding to Erykah too tough..it had to grow on me and im still track selective but the artistry....-sigh-.... phenomenal - both these hoes got my Fan Card!

accept me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_6dblga0Nw0

i just went back...

back thru my past posts and at times i get GUN DEPRESSING lol sorry bout the low notes but i think this writing this is my release. i wanta say this...everyday is a good day because it was someones last day. smile when it hurts. laugh when you wanta cry. curse and curse loud, censorship is dead. live your life, your way, and for you. maybe, hopefully youll find someone to compliment your swag along the way. he who has the why to survive can overcome most any how. dwell on that. but either way...live. i can say i have no regrets, ive made mistakes but nothing i would change. ive grown up, broke down, and started over. its life-my life and i do this because i love it.

be happy, thats the only point of living.

miss me... well im back and still buggin

so my roommate stops by my side of the crizib and she drops a little fact on me. the fact itself is not the point of this post, its her ability to say the very thing i cant. as if to whisper my confession would bring about 2012. maybe its that its too fragile...that the very whisper would kill it stone dead. either way...im scared. ill be honest im not at all a forward person on certain issues. in all actually i have a very high guard in my fragile attempts to protect my sensitive self. and in this one specific instance...im frozen stiff, shocked quiet, and tickled pink every time it enters. indescribable...its simply bittersweet and this secret is liable to be the death of me!!

so answer me this...is it mutual?

im not ok

"Maya, whats wrong?"

"whats right..."

when it rains....when it really rains, it pours. im having one of those...lives. it not a day or two, not a week or three-no-its my total existence. im tired of it. when its good its great, bliss. but let one thing go wrong...every single thing...crash, fall, boom. its coming down. i know i sound entirely pessimistic but at this point...thats all i have. im sure ill read this in a month or so and be like "gosh maya, sad much?!" maybe then ill be better but right now...no, im not ok. im doing Meet Me at the Well again, its a revival book. every day has its tasks, its prayers, its confessions and yesterdays was anger. admit when youre angry with things God has allowed in your life. well i was like no, im not angry. ive learned to appreciate the struggle cause it makes the rewards, the sun shine that much brighter. ya right. cunt. its making it rain harder, its ruined my umbrella, soaked me through and through and im tired. im so tired. ive tried, tried to be strong, to get over it, to get thru it...but today, like now but right now...i quit. i give up. fuck...im crying again. but you know what i wanta cry. that whole "dont cry itll be ok" thing...ya blow it out your ass right now. dont rob me of the only thing i have left. dont take my fury, its keeping me company. i dont wanta calm down, this raw emotion is whats been festering like an open sore and its out, its here. and i want it. i wanta be mad. mad at me, mad at Him. comfort someone else today, ive got my anger to hold me tightly.

close the door, im going to sleep.

struggle pt 2

i took a class to day for a whopping FIVE HOURS to receive my serves permit. the instructor was nothing short of a character but he said something that i liked so i figured id pass it on....

life's soul purpose is to give love, be loved, and share your existence. its about ppl and relationships. pay the good shyt forward.

kudos mr abc man....tou che.

its been an "interesting" couple of weeks, months, just going through some things, dealing with some issues but there a handful of people that have shared this struggle, this existence with me...i thank you. you should know who you are, if you dont....trust your instincts-it must not be you.

the struggle

in my little journey to independence or whatever this growing process is, ive gained a new found appreciation for pain, for struggle, for the bad days, for the rain. contrary to popular belief my life ----->> FAR from charmed. ive worked myself to the bones for the good things i have and it seems all too fragile to get too comfortable in a good place. i say that to say this, the other day it stormed-im talking weather advisory, mom calls to say "go home, its going to storm", the kinda storm when my great grandmother Cora "Cuddy" would make us sit still in the dark with all the mirrors covered while "God worked", it was bad. and then....it was over. i looked out the window to my right and there were two perfect rainbows. i smiled.

there apparently can never be a rainbow without the rain. no joy without the pain. so all the bad, all the struggle reminds me that this temporary discomfort is for a permanent improvement. so bring the hurt, bring the pain, the rain...i look forward to the rainbows.

what do you want to do before you die?

so there's a new show on mtv, The Buried Life, and i really dont watch it but i caught the end of it when i started my dvr of My Life as Liz. and teh premise for the show is a simple question...what do you want to do before you die?

......................................................................................

well damn.

theres all sorts of tomfoolery, all types of obnoxious parading, im talkin oodles of ish, sin, laughter, throwup...its outlandish.

but really i wanna see things that frighten me, that move me to tears. i wanta go places i shouldnt and do things i wont talk about. i wanta say the things im afraid to say to the ppl that need to know them.

i wanta live.

i wanta live a life im proud of, no regrets. i wanta smile til my cheeks quiver, and cry til my back hurts. im nnot saying i wanta hurt, im saying i wnata feel. i wanta feel things so intense and so meaningful, i wanta live and be moved to live.

the one thing...

the one thing i want most is probably my biggest fear. maybe im afraid to be happy, maybe ove over thought it so much that ive convinced myself i dont deserve to be that happy or simply that it could never be. maybe ive just run every possible scenraio, every outcome, run them all so vividly that ive talked myself out of it. know this: you say it best when we say nothing at all.

National Everybody Hates Maya Week

my ego wants to be like "damn i must be on my shyt to have everybody hatin" but my pride cant stand the disrespect and i just wanna push everybody shyt back.
im no snitch
i aint fuckin nobody man
if you claim to be a grown ass woman, please handle all accusations, confrontations, and anything dealing with my name like a grown ass woman.
im really over this shit and having my name drug thru the mud. ive never done anything to anybody to desrve this outlandish bullshit. but know this: youre a coward. you wont bring that shit to me, especially after i invited you to meet, youre a coward. quit all that cyber beef and big talk. show up. im not for the launchin, im really not for the disrespect-get at me.
its been a HELL of a SUCKY ass week. so anybody with any issues with me better get 'em out this week cause after sunday im cuttin bitches off.

Happy-EST Valentine's Day

so in typical girl fashion i was all bummed that my chronic singleness was going to leave me totally alone and bored for Valentine's Day. Background: while ive had my fair share of "relationships" ive never just really had a great vday. dinner and movie, chillaxing, sex...and thats really only one time. prewrapped vday baskets-bummer. i dont really care for stuff i love the effort. which is why.....EARL is my favorite vday present EVER! being that im a neo to Alpha Kappa Alpha a frog was very fitting, and he's HUGE! and he's holding a giant heart that just happens to say my damn name! "XOXO" tell me he's just not perfect. and what makes him so wonderful you ask? he was totally unexpected. i was late, no surprise there, and im waiting at the door of eric's apartment and finally The Bestfriend opens and he has this huge stuffed frog and he says his name is Earl. in that moment i could have died. to know that you matter enough to someone else to make the gesture that he did, means more than i can say. so the 4 of us go to All Fired Up, where you paint a peice of pottery then they glaze it and you pick it up! i made a piece that for discretions sake will remane nameless but his name is Hersh. and he made me Claire Huxtable. she's wonderful. ill post some pics when we go pick them up. But meet Earl!

i was watching a documentary about relationships, sex, attraction, etc. and it explains that the idea of attraction is based on being able to see something that you like in yourself in someone else. with that in mind, im attracted to him, with his attractive ass.

a harsh reality

It is both a very humbling and a disappointing realization when you come to the cold conclusion that you're not a top priority.
I would never claim to be so infamous that all need to shift their main focus to I. Its not that. I would never be so spoiled to assume all. Worldly rotations stop for me. Its not that. But it is a simple courtesy to make time and reasonable accomodations for someone you claim to want so badly. I hate to be a brat and if that's how it seems I apologize. But when time is equivalent to gold right now I would think that the common day rocks that fill said time and space on the day to day could be piled else where for a while. But since that aint this I'm not with that. Just another blatant example of why I should have never entertained you. Especially not when I already know that there's somewhere else I would much rather be...
There's a saying: don't make someone a priority when you're only an option. Makes sense now...
As usual, me and my seemingly simple expectations of people have left my feelings hurt and me upset. Silly girl, you'll never learn. SMH.

a harsh reality

It is both a very humbling and a disappointing realization when you come to the cold conclusion that you're not a top priority.
I would never claim to be so infamous that all need to shift their main focus to I. Its not that. I would never be so spoiled to assume all. Worldly rotations stop for me. Its not that. But it is a simple courtesy to make time and reasonable accomodations for someone you claim to want so badly. I hate to be a brat and if that's how it seems I apologize. But when time is equivalent to gold right now I would think that the common day rocks that fill said time and space on the day to day could be piled else where for a while. But since that aint this I'm not with that. Just another blatant example of why I should have never entertained you. Especially not when I already know that there's somewhere else I would much rather be...
There's a saying: don't make someone a priority when you're only an option. Makes sense now...
As usual, me and my seemingly simple expectations of people have left my feelings hurt and me upset. Silly girl, you'll never learn. SMH.

more!

Thats How Strong-Alicia Keys

i found something new to love!

Chorus-Donora

once again i was laid up with PostSecret and there was another great video clip. i really wanna go to one of these events....ill take the LeaBear and DoriTee! they'd love it!
but tha song is what i love. go look it up

what i see

I wish you could see what I see in you. Twice the man you used to be I'm proud to say I've ever had you at all. Please, believe me, you're better than you know. This self doubt, apprehension, and hesitation is not of the God in you. Don't allow these negative potholes to effect your journey. The road to Greatness is long, hard, and challenging. Don't let the daunting tasks ahead cause you to reconsider the accomplishments ahead.
You owe me nothing. All I ever wanted was you in life. Do this for you, for the expectations you have for yourself and life. Let me confidence in you plant the seed of confidence in yourself. Make no mistake, I love you.
-Maya

im afraid

im afraid to die because im afraid ive had no real substantial impact. that ill be gone and shortly there after...forgotten because i didnt impress myself upon a life enough to be mourned, to be missed. i know that midly outlandish....that if i died today i would more than likely be ragailed as a good individual and wept for at some lavish ceremony...so i guess im afraid to die because there are things ive yet to say, things i need to do to satisfy a...."longing" a "void" even within my standard of existence.

peace and quiet

i find the most peace when im quiet, when able to really be quiet. im usually discussing, planning, laughing, yelling, calling, asking, and questioning so many things that i find it almost impossible to ever be fully alone with my thoughts. some days i would gladly pay for one moment of peace and quiet. pay for silence, for everyone to leave, for everything to wait....let me gather myself and repair myself and evaluate the tasks at hand. i feel like im in so many different places, handling so many different thing, people, and issues that i lose myself. i forget myself. im gonna start "masturbating" (gotcha! lol i stole this from my nigga Steph) but im saying im going to start pleasing me, looking out for me, and always getting mine (#pushplay) because as selfish as it seems, no one else is going to get it for me. My mom, Jackie, always tells me not to worry about things outside of my control. that was always an issue for me but now i see what she meant...im letting go of these outstanding issues and im gonna focus oon the things i can directly impact.
im tired as shyt....like im dawgass tired....
im going to enjoy some peace and quiet before i drift off to sleep.
goodnight.

the moments i live for, i love for

a good laugh....a good good laugh!

im sitting around the Kingdom right now...with Dom the Great and The Best(FUKKIN)Friend and i love it....i FUKKIN love it. we on a good ass vibe, choppin it up, laughin it up. i know sometimes i blog like FML and i lonely and dying but blah blah blah....i live a good life! ive got great friends and i laugh. i love to laugh. you make me laugh, and i thank you for that.

#shoutout

be advised i follow a blog by one of my down ass bitches Steph!! when i say this shyt gets real....im talking#REAL!! www.shereallyjustsaidthat.blogspot.com
Enjoy!!

some times im pretty

i think its important that every woman feels that she is beautiful in some way. ive never been one to brag or gloat, if i do im always joking, but some days i see myself and i have to say it.....im pretty. and i think that comes from being content with me. girls with low self esteem are in some way unhappy with something about themselves. now sure there are things i wanta change, work on, improve etc but do i wanta be someone else...no. i love me. and today i caught myself in a mirror and i thought, hey, im pretty. and it felt good. i wasnt wearing any make-up, i was just plain faced me, like im meant to be. so i encourage you at some point to stop and show yourself some love. youre beautiful.