Monday, November 30, 2009

600th post

its nothing special. but this little tid bit was on my mind...
i was reading blogs just now, i havent really been keeping up with them, but i was reading and catching up on my ace Aleesa's blog and its crazy but as far away as she is, reading her blog always makes me feel closer to her, no homo. lol. but its funny that we always seem to be facing similar obstacles at the same time.
i dont know what im doing. ive never left the states, ive never fallen in love, ive done nothing. and i feel like my life is gonna whip by and i will have done nothing worth note. i dnt wanta be famous or anything like that but i wanta live. like really live! i wanta see the world and complete immerse myself in culture. i wanta hear some old ladies life story and take some part of her with me for the rest of life.
-side note: these muthafukkas upstairs are fukkin bowling or something upstairs! like forreal shut the fuck up! damn cunts!- im in a rut. a little stuck, feeling stagnant. i have all theses goals, very logical and financially sound but i wanta go to egypt and london, i wanta shop in paris, and take vacations to barcelona. i wanta go and see, i wanta live. i dnt feel like thats too much to ask.

Monday, November 23, 2009

let the record show

there are processes in place to insure the upmost respect and honor of all those involved. to assume that just because you partake in some outside activities makes you better than the rest is a bold face lie. furthermore to assume i exposed them, threw them under the bus, or any of the like is a LIE. if i say i wanta do something, anything, i do it to the best of my abilities, and with the upmost pride. with that said, i warned you. i told you that "this" was going to end badly and for the sake of my ass i stopped. now when the shit hit the fan i was safe not because i snitched like a bitch but i had elders willing to go to bat for me and my character. i did what i could to save who i could but the rest, i got nothin for you. i am sorry, i am that it is ending so badly for some but you lose one and maybe save more.
obedience vs sacrifice- obedience would say to go by the rules, follow law, and adhere to all mandates. loyalty to the cause and remembering all those involved.
sacrifice-selfish. risk the masses for a token title that is invisible to the outside world. sacrifice means looking out for self first and all those involved last. sacrifice is wack. and all those who are willing to sacrifice everyone for their own gain is just as wack. youve been brainwashed to think that loyalty means pain. that humiliation is honor. check your principals, thats not one any of this about. that shit comes from slave mentalities and 100's of years if needing to belong.
now the question is which am i? im an obedient servant. follow the rules so you can serve the cause. there comes a time when it is necessary to sacrifice the unworthy in hopes those who contain the merit can claim the titles, but even then, i dnt make that call. i was down for the "titles" but when the titles blurred the cause, when the titles got bigger than anyone else involved, it was time to realize that this, all of "this" will compromise the majority and sacrifice the masses. thats not something that makes sense to me.
the issue is that when it all comes crashing down you look for someone to blame. being that i beseeched you long ago about your endeavors you readily assume i brought about your demise. WRONG. I simply foresaw the coming and did my best to move you to change. when wise words fell on deaf ears. i saved my own ass and severed my involvement. all those who went blindly forth quickly saw that this road, leads no where and its too late to turn back.
so did i snitch, no. but did i warn you, yes.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

"like dont text me or instant message me, its important i hear your voice today"

i found this poem on a blog i follow and i fell in love. i finally got it to post into my blog so i hope you enjoy.
"..and if i win all you have to do is let me fall in love with you"

broken hearted

miss me? ya, i miss you too.

so today...all bad. i mean ALL bad. ok thats a lie. it started well, went well...til the end. then it was officially the END. more often than not i find that when things happen, when things fall apart, im always the shoulder, always THAT friend to go to and lean on. im always everyone else's support. but today as it all hit the fan, like i said it would, and the tears fell im holding one friend and consoling another. i generously offer words of comfort and optimism to every one. but where was my support? where was my shoulder? so many times im always there for everyone else and there's no one there for me. i have great friends i really do. and in this situation i know everyone was in the same boat but the fact is i give myself away, offering all i can to everyone and instead of feeling like... good (i need a better word, but oh well) i feel drained. emotionally and physically. maybe ppl dont mean to be so selfish and greedy but they are. now of course there were those who hastened to my side and offered a sad eye, a gasp, and a "so what now" but at the moment when everything i planned for everything i prayed for fell apart at my feet i was left to gather the pieces on my own. that gets old fast.
i believe that everyone has a talent, a gift. mine is support. im naturally supportive. ppl come to me and lean on me and thats fine im strong enough for that. but when i give and give and give and rarely get it back...that makes me wanna collect my support and keep it for myself. i need someone in my corner just like the next girl. im not a "lonely" person but im feeling a little alone right now.
i needed you today, and while your reasons were legit...i needed you none the less. i needed you not to let go. maybe i expect too wouldnt be the first time.


Thursday, November 12, 2009

when i say...

im OVER history, i really mean i think history has lost its sparkle for me. maybe its just this wack ass college load but as of today...i'd rather be a vagabond and go gallivanting around europe for kicks and boys.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

spiritual incompatibility

so im sitting in thomas bro's room doing some homework and we're watching these clips of his pastor. and he says something that smacked the hell outta me. "someone is gonna miss what God has for you just for a mediocre good time." he was talking about dating a sinful woman. not like a hoe but she's not saved, thus she is a sinner. he said they were having a good time, building a great relationship but there was no God in it and she told him, "i know im not what you need. everytime we kiss i feel like im trespassing' My God...smh.
maybe yall dnt feel it like i feel it, maybe it didnt say what needed to heart but it said it to me.