"whats right..."
when it rains....when it really rains, it pours. im having one of those...lives. it not a day or two, not a week or three-no-its my total existence. im tired of it. when its good its great, bliss. but let one thing go wrong...every single thing...crash, fall, boom. its coming down. i know i sound entirely pessimistic but at this point...thats all i have. im sure ill read this in a month or so and be like "gosh maya, sad much?!" maybe then ill be better but right now...no, im not ok. im doing Meet Me at the Well again, its a revival book. every day has its tasks, its prayers, its confessions and yesterdays was anger. admit when youre angry with things God has allowed in your life. well i was like no, im not angry. ive learned to appreciate the struggle cause it makes the rewards, the sun shine that much brighter. ya right. cunt. its making it rain harder, its ruined my umbrella, soaked me through and through and im tired. im so tired. ive tried, tried to be strong, to get over it, to get thru it...but today, like now but right now...i quit. i give up. fuck...im crying again. but you know what i wanta cry. that whole "dont cry itll be ok" thing...ya blow it out your ass right now. dont rob me of the only thing i have left. dont take my fury, its keeping me company. i dont wanta calm down, this raw emotion is whats been festering like an open sore and its out, its here. and i want it. i wanta be mad. mad at me, mad at Him. comfort someone else today, ive got my anger to hold me tightly.
close the door, im going to sleep.
