im afraid

im afraid to die because im afraid ive had no real substantial impact. that ill be gone and shortly there after...forgotten because i didnt impress myself upon a life enough to be mourned, to be missed. i know that midly outlandish....that if i died today i would more than likely be ragailed as a good individual and wept for at some lavish ceremony...so i guess im afraid to die because there are things ive yet to say, things i need to do to satisfy a...."longing" a "void" even within my standard of existence.

where they do that a?!

Major Lazer "Pon De Floor" from Eric Wareheim on Vimeo.

shouts out to www.aleesaface.blogspot.com for all the best tomfoolery

im not one for categories

but when shyt like this happens, both to me and those im close to, i realize that the vast majority of guys-scratch that, niggas! are all the same.
im not one to put anything past someone. i try not to be surprised by ppl's faults, short comings, and such but sometimes i just wanta believe that "na not my man" bullshyt. ya girl, its yo man too! it seems like no matter how good of a girl you are, and dammit im a good girl! it does not matter! he'll still find a way to take you for granted, take advantage, and screw up. all bad, no bueno. its just so frustrating. i get a call this morning from the BigSis and she's tellin me about the certified tom foolery that has become of her last LOOOONNNNG term relationship. i really dnt care what anyone says, girls may have a hard time in break up's, crying and ice cream and stuff, but dudes cut a complete ass when they break up. fuckin around, pushin up, choosin hoes (ugly hoes) anything to just "be over her" thats dumb. true story-THATS DUMB! if you hurt say so, we hurt too.
im not about to do some usual relationship counselling stuff, because im sick of having all the answers for everyone else and watching my own heart fall to pieces.
as much as i always wanted to, i dnt believe in love because love doesnt believe in me.
that might be the saddest thing ive ever said and im sure MJ will call like "what happened love" but shyt happened and i just have to wipe and move on.
i dnt quit but this is a step back, a reevaluation, and a wiser next move.

its just one of them days...

i was hoping this would bring about more certainty than confusion, and to spite all my pure hopes...im back up this bitchass river -paddleless. like being born ass first, im extremely uncomfortable and terribly embarassed. some things are clear-crystal. others make me shrug and slip into my own quiet counsel. i cnt lie and say i dnt know how i got here, i definitely do. i knew i percisely what i was doing. but i had no intentions of things coming about like this... i can scream it at the top of my lungs alone in my car but i cnt admit the simplest of things even in a whisper, just to you. ive never bn shy, timid, coy but in the ever masculine, towering presence of you i find myself twinkle eyed and giggling. ive said it before and ill say it again, ive never bn in love because me and love have never bn introduced, i wouldnt know the thing because i hav no recollection, no snap shot, for reference. its like searching for a stranger with no description. "where's waldo?" if waldo looked like every other anybody on every other random street. good luck, right.
crossing the river back to the harshest realities. if i added all the weekends in a year, subtracting the ones devoted to work, studies, and family, mutiplied long weekends, skipped classes, and divided all of that by gas and found the square root of us...i'd see that some thingsare in certain places for a reason, and that some problems just dont add up.
idk why i do this to myself.

trying to be mature about this

you know how when you know things are whinding to an end its still really different from things ending. even when things were wack i cnt say that i didnt still wanta be in this. i gave it all i had to give so i guess there's nothing left. its been real. that sounds so cliche but its been real. really though, youre not the same person i met so long ago, its a good change, but a very hard change. i hope this is better for you though, just you.

xo
M&M

riding

for those who dnt know, we (the bestfriend and wal-p) we went to cincinnati for this bday party. it was straight, nothin spectacular mostly 'cause we didn't know them and nobody danced but still lemond drop drinks and beer pong it'll get you there, trust. but its saturday now, valentine's day and we're headed back. to nashville, the boys got plans, got dates and shit and I've decided to cop a nap, hit the gym, and go home, do some laundry, get some ice cream and watch the notebook lol all bad right? all these happy vday texts are blowin me. all these slow jams in the car are blowing me lol I got this one text tho and it read
"happy vday beautiful. even if you dnt get anything, even if you're alone he's still thinking of you as much as you are of him"
that was a good one. I hope its true. really tho I've said all I can say, I've called, I've tried, so ima leave the ball in your court, or in football terms, I've punted so ill let him return...

happy vday world, xo still loves you.