i dnt feel like talking

so im coming back to my old ways and typing this junt out.
-slick might record this cause im running thru it pretty fast.

ima point.blank.period. this cause...hell cause i want too.

summer jumpoff's can stay in the summer for all i care. dnt try to make that transition to fall with me cause summer provides a luxury that fall cannot afford. i can be irresponsible in the summer, rip and run, lay up, and dip out. i cant do that in the fall, i wnt do that in the fall.
you cant be cheating if youre not in a relationship. with that said, do you. i would be lying if i said it didnt bother me to hear you hit up some chicken head and got some dome from slaw rat but-BUT-you aint my man.
drake-call it off
ryan leslie-you aint my girl
i get my fair share of play, i pull a cutie every so often but i dnt care to lay on my back for the sake of a nut (excuse my french) i got too much to do to pass out cooch. feel free to dick down who you choose, because i again, you aint my man.
ive never been in love. for all my failed attempts to open up to this guy or that, i dnt find whatever it is im looking for. disheartening, yes. but if its to be itll be.
MaryJane pulled a good one. the kind of man any girl would be happy to call her own. but do i want what she has...no. i want my own. i want "you" to be honest, secure (in self, in us, ok, financially lol who wants a broke boy) a gentleman, strong, funny, supportive, and kind. is that too much to ask. i think im worth that much.
i dnt lie. im sick of saying that. i do not lie. partly cause im bad at, mostly because i think its pointless and an insult to the person's intelligence. its stupid and i dont do it. so to accuse me of lying, i find that so rude. and very disrespectful and yall know damn well i dnt do disrespect.
im a good woman, i know i am. and someone will appreciate me for everything im worth, youre not him so keep it moving. i dnt care to fight your made up mind, if its made up then whats the point. i dnt argue. you got a issue with me, say so, but no one is going to talk to me like a child or yell at me like a dog.
these are the rules, this is my way. get wit it or get lost.

the hardest thing ive encountered

is meeting a complete stranger and trying to generate some kind of "relationship"
AND
making a friendship more than friends, watching the "more" turn to less, and losing the whole thing all together.
i met a guy when i passed by a barbor in the mall. Zack. i found that interest9ing 'cause he's black but he was cute, nice smile. same height as me...not my swag. but i was at the mall today to get my new gages!! yayy!! (side note- this transition didnt hurt nearly as bad, and i really like this taper, its zebra! ill post a pic) so he walked thru the mall. he slick cool, funny, whatever. but he talks like gucci mane and he semi stupid....whamp whamp. sorry sir, its a no go. and he said i look like lalla ali...uhm, she's very pretty but we definitely dnt favor. and he keeps tryin ta come over here...not gon happen.
so by now we're all more than familiar with Handsome..."maya you seemed so happyy!" i was! i still am, let me not say that. he's a great guy, really. but if you dnt trust me, you cnt love me. they go hand in hand. and considering we live this far apart, you have to have trust. well he doesnt, and this is some past issues kinda stuff. i cnt make up for everyone else and i dnt care what she did because you did the same. so if anyone should have worries it should be me. but i dnt. you should know what you have here and not want anything more. if you decide im not enough, deuces. its just that simple for me. besides the fact that my closest circle of friends are male ive given no reason for anyone to question what i do. he cnt cross that hurdle and i dnt straddle the fence. its either or. after an issue we had with a picture and recipient list we've been on a steady decline...its an interesting feeling to see that the end is around the corner. that while its not in sight there is time to save this, save us, but its not me that has to turn, its you. if we stay on this path we'll crash and burn. we could turn, at least merge, and buy some time to think, to work, to try but i cnt make that decision. im mad at fact, and you cntg be mad at that.
-sigh- there it is. when i look back and read im like...damn, there it is. ive done what i can, ive said my piece, and im standing here...so what happens now.
side note-you know what pisses me off, how we as women have to wait for them, guys, to decide the next step. maybe because we're usually the ones to still be down for another try but i dnt think this fair how we're left with time and youve got the freedom. your best days our some of our worst. we're wide awake and youve got not trouble sleeping. you take your shyt and we take the blame. what can we say when we're all choked up and falling to pieces and youre just ok. he's got her hear and your heart and none of the pain. when hearts break they dnt break even.

song for the day-the scipt- "breakeven" jason mraz "you and i both" the script "im yours (it starts off a little rough but the chorus does it for me lol) and one more from the script "before the worst"

and even now when ive sat down to dwell on it and really let it out, im ok. as much as i was hurt, im fine. im the slightest bit hurt but time heals all things. if you decide to check out the songs youll be like omg we gotta get to Maya she's uber down. no...im really gucci. i slept my ass off today. saw my mommy, got new tapers, ate chic-fil-a and got over it. another one bites the dust.

all the things you didnt say

this cam eup a while back with me and the infamous reesey pooh about the fact that if you (whoever the "you" in your life is) if they dnt say the things you like to hear,i guarantee someone else will.
it honestly really upsets my heart that i still default to the faults of a past "you" but it is what is.
point= i got a infamous facebook chat form someone rather random but he is actually a really sweet guy and he says, "excuse me sweetheart but i find u gorgeous as all hell i would greatly appreciate your conversation" no im not for the formality of cliche approaches but it always feels good to hear that youre still desirable.
so i gave a white lied and said i had a bf just to get out of it lol but hey apparently im still hott.
but the fact is "you" never said those things and even now that i have a new "What It Do" or two lol na but this "you" says all the right things and i damn near dnt know how to handle it. its terrible to think that i dnt even kno how to feel when im being treated right. like when did i get this abused that good doesnt even get received like it should.

oohh! surprise surprise! you thought ya knew hoe was gon hold ya down...WRONG! she already tried to holla at my What It Do! silly boi, you thought you was gone one up this?! that cnt be done.

whats done in the dark

so let me be grown again and shout out WetWet for a real ass heads up.

its crazy how after the fact theres always soooo much that comes out. u thought i wouldnt find out...like forreal im no dummy. the only stupid thing i did was believe you over anyone else. i should hate you, but even now, i dnt. i will say this tho. fuck you, kick rocks.

you can hav him

Alicia
April 28 at 8:09pm
I'm not trying to take him from you..just in case that is what you're thinking.

So i get thi message today and ya i was certified pissed. No, not because anyone should ever feel like they could take something i claim, girl please, but because she contacted me. I dnt like girls simply for stupid shyt like this. i wanta know how long she entertained the idea of shooting me message. so i turn it over to Mr All American. ya i havnt mentioned him in a while and i wnt be. but he's all dnt worry bout it she just lettin you know. she has no place to inform me of shyt. just let her ass know this, "she can have you."

xo

ps i really dnt appreciate when i discuss thinigs in private and someone feels the need to run back. snitches get stitches...
niggas cnt hold water now a days. damn.

this is why relationships are bullshyt

so i sign into my book of faces and see a message from my ace of all spades! and im like yayy! thinking this should be hilarious {clearly} i was -terribly- wrong. she saw her significant other, even tho theyre having some rough times, she saw him fucking one of her homies. not like a facebook homie, like in all her albums, out together, sleep together, eat together, thats my nigga, this is, well is supposed to be, her homie. i know my friends and i know she is miserable right now. its taking everything in me not over draft my account and fly to her. she tries to be tough but i know all too well she's a softy at heart. im like dnt fuck with either of them. dnt speak, dnt contact, anything-fuck 'em both. but i know she's just filled with questions, frustration, and hurt so i know she's just at a lost.
if you ever wonder im single, it's because you really cnt trust anyone.

this is some bullshyt forreal.

but i bet you aint gon hit her

if you know me then you'd know i do my best not to play games. I dnt have the time or energy to entertain mess. so let me say this:
everyone is walking around mad and sending petty little txts-CUT IT OUT. i wnt say im the type to go running to confront someone, that quickly gets mistaken for being a shit disturber and startin somethin, instead i tend to drop it. mostly to maintain the peace but a lot of the time i just dnt care to be mad. let me give you a snippet of the situation, an overview with code names:
ok so my homie..."Banana" was really good friends with a girl, they were hellafide close last yr like sisters, and yea things change, semesters pass, but if you were ever close there should always be a sense of respect. so her old friend "Milky Way" was talking to this guy..."Juice" he is such a good dude, a rare find these days. he's honest, handsome, thoughtful, and considerate. always open with his feelings and slick the kinda guy we all look for. so Juice and Milky Way are all boo'ed up spring '08 dan near in love and Milky Way introduces Juice to Banana. If youre meeting the friends...you might be important. So the yr ends they go their separate ways and this fall we all get back and now Banana and Juice are slick talkin, nothin serious. so who's wrong?
2 points of view-
Girl World/Woman Law- golden rule "friends dnt date their friend's exes." It does not matter when, the circumstances, etc its just not gon fly. if it was once your dick, its off limits to all others ESPECIALLY the homegirls.
Man Law/Nigga Logic- aint nobody married so whats it matter. one relationship ends, on to the next. especially if ppl arent as cool anymore, every one is up for grabs.
as a woman, i see why Milky Way is hott (slick had this same issue, another story for another blog) but Juice is doing everything in his power to assure that MW knows that there is no one for him but her, that he cares for her, that Banana was nothin serious. nothing ever happened and that it was a week of chit chat. Now mean while Milky Way is spending some QT with Juice's homie Pastor.
HOLD UP! i dnt think they heard you, XO...think about it pple.....EUREKA lookin ass nigga yes, theyre doing the same thing. so i hav a question...how can i be mad if the same shyt im pullin' youve been pulling too?! ya.....i really cnt. now i understand MK might hav some hurt feelings but youve clearly hurt his too. ya go ahead and sing that shyt "youre just like me!"
ugh...all yall full of shyt... be mad if you want to but two wrongs dnt make it right.
My suggestion...everyone stop this damn shit talkin and grab them big hairy nuts everyone has when no one is around and have a pow wow and talk about this shyt. Juice is catchin a lot heat, being called a dog and just like every other nigga. thats not fair. all dudes arent the same. if you look hard enough youll find a similarity btwn everyone.
so i had to consult my boo Mr All American himself and of course he has the nigga logic mindset lol but he says that if MK is getting mad its because she clearly has strong feelings for Juice. and Juice seems like a cool dude to be handlin this as well as he is. we hav a strong dnt ask dnt tell policy. and if you should be so bold as to ask something, you damn sure better wanta know the answer. so dnt look all shook and rattled when a nigga keeps it one hundred. yes the stove is hott fool!
it really annoys me when girls claim to want a dude who is honest and upfront and when it shows up on a silver platter you actin like you didnt order that dish. now, is Banana wrong, in girl world...yes. in the game of things...she's clearly scoring all the points.
so until this all simmers down and yall niggas learn to speak and listen and stop all tis slick tlakin and behhind closed doors poppn off, ima stay out of it because if i say how i really felt, who's side im really on, some of yall gon be hott. xo doesnt have time for the games.

life lesson number 938748126489 trust no one. keep whats your's to yourself if you really wanta keep it.

like really tho...why me?

i swear i really try to be a good person, a good friend, a good girlfriend, all that jazz and i promise i always get taken for granted. i know everybody thinks theyre just awesome but really im not claiming to be anything special just that i bust my ass to be better in most aspects. so when im clearly breaking my neck to make one thing work, to be everywhere, and do everything why is that someone never seems to notice. as many times as ive said it...im feeling really unappreciated. how are you gonna make the effort to come to town for someone elses event but not just for me?! you wnt seem me comin across this wide ass state for something else and slipping them in, no! i come for one reason! i know this probably makes no sense but it all just needs to come out.
i dnt give 2 fucks, i cnt, if you wnt.

thinking

(all of these you's are different ppl. so if "you" arent mentioned oh well or if "you" are dnt get mad)

think of you are you thinking of me
thinking of the things i want the things i need, but is in the someone i think
thinking that you failed today
thinkinking that i cried today
thinking you needed a good shake today
i was thinking i was thru over it and done
thinking got me stunk and im not sure where to turn
thinking of the good thinking of the bad
think in general has me terribly sad
thinking if where i am is where i wanta be
thinking of you are you thinking of me

so im clearly at a crossroads. you can say your over something, done, etc all day but its clearly not that easy, not after everything ive invested. i think- i know- where i wanta be and i think you have no idea how much you mean.

bitches and flies

how do i despise.

aight let me rip it on the hoes. if you think you bout to come btwn me and my man, ima need you to take 2 steps back and revaluate yo entire life.
this is gonna be a lot in one. sit tight:
hoes aint shit.
it does not matter how long you and dude been kickin it, should one of yo home girls feel herself getin a little kool wit yo main, you hav the upmost responsibility to check him first of all, and thus put that hoe all of in her place.
if this same girl is textin you to see where you bn at-she is thusly checkin yo location to find time to get to yo dude. promptly cuss that hoe out.
when making time to discuss yo relationship with your significant other never-NEVER- send the "we need to talk" text. thats all bad.
niggas, be up front! yall all talk about keepin bullshyt 100, then do the same.
real women can discuss major issues and never lose her cool. be honest and forward but do not yell and point fingers. no rubberneckin'. no lip poppin. ghetto girls dnt maintain real men.
do not hang up on me. hanging up shows the least amount of respect amd courtesy. and be forreal, i aint calliin back.
nigga please.
there is nothing wrong with being alone.
when ending one relaionship take a break to regroup, and collect yourself before venturing into another relationship. you cnt offer yourself oo freely.
college dorm rooms are not made for kickin it. there's not enough seating for platonic relationships. opposite sexes need not be in the same room well into the night.
if youre hearing things about your dude and someone else from other ppl-big red flag. he's keepin secrets and thats no bueno.
in all things you do, trust your instincts. trust your senses. trust your God.
i aint got time to run down life for yall silly hoes 'cause me and mine... are just fine.

xo hates these hoes.


ill be back 'cause hoes dnt learn.

let this be known

life is black and white. there is no gray area, gray areas only represent confusion. i have no room for any more confusion. with that said let me say this. if you wanta mess with/ sleep with/ talk and associate with other ppl, you wnt be associating with me. we all know very well that im very selfish but i just cnt share, not you-ill be damned. i dnt ride shared dick. sorry, thats as blunt as i can be. i respect your wishes but clarify, is it you and me or us and other ppl? thats called gray area. and let this be known, i dnt need a title, i dnt wanta be mrs anything, im in no rush for all that pressure, labels, and bullshyt. also, im not her, youre not him, we are not them. lets just leave all of that where it is-far far away from us. back to the gray, i cnt do the confusion. if you wanta do all this, that, and them just say that. you got yours, i know you do, and as much as it makes me sick i know its true, i know theyre there.... and i dnt wanta whine but this matters to me. everybody wants somebody around to just shoot the muthafuckin breeze. missing gets old, and talking only satisfies so much. ugh... i dnt drive across this state for the damn scenery. and really i dnt do that for anyone, like just honestly, count the miles, cross the rivers, i do that for you. would you do that for me? i've tried, and i cnt help it but i find myself questioning things and i wanta trust you, you say i can, i think i can so tell me better yet show me that youre trustworthy. the miles serve a purpose, distance forces us to believe the words but distance shelters the secrets. maybe i'd feel better if it all wasnt so gray. maybe i need to stop drinking and thinking lol or maybe i need you to just be real and tell me where i stand, what i mean, and that this-whatever we're calling it-that it matters. i benched the squad, dnt make an ass of me for wanting to believe you. some ppl say its not good pimping, benching the team, but i dnt wanta play the games. i hung up my nikes long ago so tell me whats the deal...?

xo, i hope.

chatting with mica crayton

so in a rather fantastic convo with Mica i hav come to a conclusion that i hav long ago concluded but the way she spit it let me know that she's right. i wnt say what was discussed but i will say it was worthwhile.

ok since i hav your attention i would like to use this time to say that you, all of you, are failing! this rapid increase in boo'ing is fake! dori how dare you?! you bet not leave me. so yes im being spiteful and jealous but i wanta be boo'ed up too! =( "im all alone there's no one here beside me" and some of you will be saying what about "so and so" ya, what about him?..
hey! ive got a grand idea lets make some code names for these handful of individuals
ok so we have...
1- mr. man=yes from the summer. he rapidly became my fav and now we're back to strangers, mere facebook friends. passing hello's and random pointless texts. i kinda miss that kidd tho.
2- mr all american=from freshman year. now that he's off to another skool, i cnt be what he wants but i do care for him and i want him in my life. but this whole where is carmen sand diego deal gets old and frustrating! heart him tho, cnt help it...my piggy :)
3- mr wonderful-i say that with the slightest sarcasm. but he kinda just showed up one day and ya, he is textbook awesome, but being that he's got the golden opportunity to be gone for a semester...i dnt wanta get attached. and honestly, we lack that spark, and i go on instant connections. and while i definitely enjoy his company i dnt get that tickle like when mr man would walk into the room, and i dnt always smile at the thought of us like i do for mr all american.
4- just for the rumors...the bestfriend= yes, we're still just friends-never done anything. but while everyone keeps toying with this idea of an "us" ill say this much. he's my bestfriend. and sure we probably would make a great pair, its just not worth it to risk our friendship because he really truly is my best friend and i need him to play that role no one else can do it like im (no pun/all pun). but for the record, were getting married 4 kids (a reggie III so we can call him Trip! twins and another child) and a dog. ya, we're officially promised lmao! we come up with some funny stories.

so ya vivian is drunk, rather hilarious .:awk-turtle:.
ima go to bed now...

goodnight all
xo out this bit!

your mind is moving faster than your heart

ive never been a "playa" but i toroughly respect the game. i have always been hopelessly romantic but i understand the risks involved and the gamble some things can be. yu, my sweet love, youre mind is moving faster than your heart. when you break up with some one it is always best to spend some quality time single for a while so you can get yoursekf back together heal and repair. if you break up with someone and then start chatting it up with someone else youve never fully removed yourself from one thing before investing in another.
friendship...aawww friendship...such a blissful relationship until these "lines" get crossed and these "boundaries" get blurred. feelings are 100% involuntary responses to actions/events. things may start as harmless flirting but feelings walk up in that bitch...oh baby...its O.V.
i understand youre scared, apprehensive, and weary but sometimes God will show the grace to send you someone that will help you through these healing processes as a friend and maybe as a love. i completely respect the fact you wanta keep and maintain a working, lasting friendship but some times you have to close your eyes, walk out on faith, and leap and all you ca do is hope, hope and pray, he'll be there to catch you. i believe he'll e there to catch. like a thief in the night he showed up on his white horse banner waving ready to sweep you off youre feet and now youre scared but realize, dear child, realize he's not him and youre not even you back then. some things are worth the risk, youll know when you kiss...

a word ta tha wise

let all who have any reasonable level of common sense, good judgement, and responsibility hear this:

realize what tha hell you got while you still have it, kuz baby once you lose it...its gone.

and if it was really meant to be yours God would have let you keep it. its not always about fighting for tha things you want, but being responsible with said things while you have them. if it was ever important to you, dnt mistreat it and abuse it. if you ever cherished it, hold it close, protect and nurture it.

my dudes:

hear ye hear ye gather tha fuck around! if you "love" her...tell her, hold her, and do anything it takes to keep her. dnt wait 'til she's walking out tha door to pull her back. we'll take a lot before realize it was too much a long time ago. dnt push us there.

ladies, ladies, ladies:

if that's ya man-claim him. in front of anybody, that's yo man. if you "love" him...stand by him, support him, and stop being insecure! they will never tell us everything we want to hear. but when they mean it, they'll say it. dnt put him thru stupid tests, he fail. every time, yes, he'll fail. they dnt mean to be so dumb, educate him him, dnt belittle and mock him.

with that said, realize that without trust there is no love. snoopin' thru phones and reading texts are only going to start stupid drama, trust him/her whole hearted. there's some knowledge for ya dome.