miss me... well im back and still buggin

so my roommate stops by my side of the crizib and she drops a little fact on me. the fact itself is not the point of this post, its her ability to say the very thing i cant. as if to whisper my confession would bring about 2012. maybe its that its too fragile...that the very whisper would kill it stone dead. either way...im scared. ill be honest im not at all a forward person on certain issues. in all actually i have a very high guard in my fragile attempts to protect my sensitive self. and in this one specific instance...im frozen stiff, shocked quiet, and tickled pink every time it enters. indescribable...its simply bittersweet and this secret is liable to be the death of me!!

so answer me this...is it mutual?

National Everybody Hates Maya Week

my ego wants to be like "damn i must be on my shyt to have everybody hatin" but my pride cant stand the disrespect and i just wanna push everybody shyt back.
im no snitch
i aint fuckin nobody man
if you claim to be a grown ass woman, please handle all accusations, confrontations, and anything dealing with my name like a grown ass woman.
im really over this shit and having my name drug thru the mud. ive never done anything to anybody to desrve this outlandish bullshit. but know this: youre a coward. you wont bring that shit to me, especially after i invited you to meet, youre a coward. quit all that cyber beef and big talk. show up. im not for the launchin, im really not for the disrespect-get at me.
its been a HELL of a SUCKY ass week. so anybody with any issues with me better get 'em out this week cause after sunday im cuttin bitches off.

600th post

its nothing special. but this little tid bit was on my mind...

i was reading blogs just now, i havent really been keeping up with them, but i was reading and catching up on my ace Aleesa's blog and its crazy but as far away as she is, reading her blog always makes me feel closer to her, no homo. lol. but its funny that we always seem to be facing similar obstacles at the same time.

i dont know what im doing. ive never left the states, ive never fallen in love, ive done nothing. and i feel like my life is gonna whip by and i will have done nothing worth note. i dnt wanta be famous or anything like that but i wanta live. like really live! i wanta see the world and complete immerse myself in culture. i wanta hear some old ladies life story and take some part of her with me for the rest of life.

-side note: these muthafukkas upstairs are fukkin bowling or something upstairs! like forreal shut the fuck up! damn cunts!-

ok...so im in a rut. a little stuck, feeling stagnant. i have all theses goals, very logical and financially sound but i wanta go to egypt and london, i wanta shop in paris, and take vacations to barcelona. i wanta go and see, i wanta live. i dnt feel like thats too much to ask.

a hard head is going to be my downfall

i say things over and over again and you would think i would be the first of everyone to heed my own advice, right....ya, i never learn!
so you know how you say certain things to see what someone will say back. its not quite question and answer its more statement and response...well i made a statement today and the response....WHAMP! slick a lack there of but even then-WHAMPWHAMP! and once again i learn the hard way that expectations will always leave you entirely disappointed.
ive been told i can be very passive and really i never did see the benefits of being overly assertive but today i damn near wished i was just a (excuse my french) a Ballzy Bitch so i could get my point across, but what do i do? laugh it off as i think of curling up inside of myself to die! FML.
im so mellow dramatic i have to laugh at myself because i get my self in some really wack situations, oh well, such is life.
I think ima make a label/tag of "FML" cause i really do have some fml moments. if u dnt know what that is go to www.fmylife.com and have a giggle at someone else's expense.

its just one of them days...

i was hoping this would bring about more certainty than confusion, and to spite all my pure hopes...im back up this bitchass river -paddleless. like being born ass first, im extremely uncomfortable and terribly embarassed. some things are clear-crystal. others make me shrug and slip into my own quiet counsel. i cnt lie and say i dnt know how i got here, i definitely do. i knew i percisely what i was doing. but i had no intentions of things coming about like this... i can scream it at the top of my lungs alone in my car but i cnt admit the simplest of things even in a whisper, just to you. ive never bn shy, timid, coy but in the ever masculine, towering presence of you i find myself twinkle eyed and giggling. ive said it before and ill say it again, ive never bn in love because me and love have never bn introduced, i wouldnt know the thing because i hav no recollection, no snap shot, for reference. its like searching for a stranger with no description. "where's waldo?" if waldo looked like every other anybody on every other random street. good luck, right.
crossing the river back to the harshest realities. if i added all the weekends in a year, subtracting the ones devoted to work, studies, and family, mutiplied long weekends, skipped classes, and divided all of that by gas and found the square root of us...i'd see that some thingsare in certain places for a reason, and that some problems just dont add up.
idk why i do this to myself.

trust

so i crossed the river again.
i think if i close my eyes and spin around with my finger out and stop suddenly maybe chance or probability would mae a better decision than i can on my own judgement.
im fickle, im indecisive. i know this and i apologize for my characteristcs causing an imbalance in other's lives.
while i know all too well i struggle with making clear cut choices i dnt liek assistance, i withdraw. i trust myself but i just have to give myself a little time.
i told myself that the LastTime was the last time. and it would be a long time before i ever got back in that deep with someone. and now im looking at 2 things with so much to offer, everything ive been looking for and surprisingly im leaning to the one thats not textbook, cookie cutter safe. but when i think about it when have I ever really been he slightest bit, predictable and safe.
im pleasure seeker by nature, if it feels good im for it. (no pun) things liek impulsive shopping, casual dates, im a for the moment person.
to thine own self be true. easier than said.
"its not you, its me" well really that means its you but im too nice to say "you suck, we're thru" but neither of you just suck (no pun) so i dnt have any fault to cut you off for.
i think ima just have my cake and eat it too. (all pun)
sharing is caring, right? hell ya.

wow...

Ya I'm drunk and what?! But I stopped by because I said somethin tonight and it clearly fell on deaf ear, not receive, nor reciprocated. Slick...I'm really hurt. Slick...I'm like what the fuck?! And yes, slick...I give up.
Tossed 'em back for Angie V's bday. 151...is not what's up. African rum...is not what's up. But this smooth ass buzz is on point.
shouts out to the roomie for a real ass convo. Shouts out to the bestfriend, always holdin it down. Oh and to drunk checkin "what's up world mane!?"
Ha ha xo
I'm bout to down this water and hit these sheets
Fuck the dumb shyt, keep yo bullshyt, I'm out!

when i dnt know what to say

he told me dnt say anything at all. but I know what to say, I just cnt find the big hairy balls to say it. I get myself in these predicaments and then I get this feeling that I'm running up a downward escalator again. like I'm fightong the wind. talking to a wall. I know, you know. it could all be so simple. and when everyone sees it, why cnt you? there's a lot of things I can do, being unappreciated, overlooked, and taken for granted isn't one of them.
I know what was said wasn't meant to come out the way it did but it did come out and it cnt just go back in. so I seek wise counsel. one says its my fault for firing all my employees, that no one ever throws away everything when there's still room for doubt. one says the gray area is to blame. one says I cnt judge everyone by the same stabdard. so if my critical standards are too harsh, I apologize but I know what I deserve. I fired my employees because they couldn't handle the job. nothing is cut and dry, black and white, or this and that so tell me what the hell I'm doing here...
this isn't about thing, this isn't about one convo, this is a span of time and a collection of confusion. this being mislead, misunderstanding something, reaching, grasping, failing, releasing, this is about me and no one. that's as simple as I can put it.

ma dukes...

her all I do is watch HGTV and google D.I.Y. all day ass is just getting carried away...
I'm getting my bob the builder on on the steps (idk what you even call the shyt I just did) but I'm like "ay! ma...I thought we hired ppl to do this bullshyt" "maya! what did you just say?!" "scratch that. I thought we hired ppl to handle these tideous and labor filled tasks" "I was reading in better homes and gardens that by doing the remodeling yourself you'll form a bond with the finished product, taking time to invest in your home builds pride." I dropped the hammer and walked off. I DNT FORM BONDS WITH BUILDINGS NIGGA! U-G-H--O-M-G! she's delirious. form a bond?! the fuck?! ill take pride in a nice home whether I hammered that hoe or not. I just wanta come home to the damn thing.
pshh...a bond my ass...ima form a bond wit my bed and go to sleep on yall ol' extreme home makeover lookin assz...ty aint here hoe! I'm so damn mad. we coulda had jesus and juan up in here bustin out some remodeling but yall wanta fall in love with the wood grain and shyt.
iswetabob...

xo loves you, and dnt you forget it.

oh my life...

ok, so my phone is cut off and here's my plan. normally i would call and say i need an extension but nooooo treo dnt wanna let a nigga talk and shyt. so the plan: im coming back to dori's in the morning, thats where i am now, and callin sprint and bitchin them out. im not paying a bill that i never use because he always froze and shyt. so then ima get that bill scratched get my phone back on and then ima say im leaving sprint so theyll send me a new phone because im a terribly disatisfied customer with phone and it came so highly recommended. i got a plan, now i just gotta execute that hoe! lol
wish me luck

so in case you werent paying attention, treo is off like cut off so dnt call dnt text 'cause i wnt be getting any of that until tomorrow...hopefully.

oh, GET HER BESTFRIEND! jackie tried that shyt today like where are you? when are you going home? nigga i live ALONE dnt worry bout this shawty i definitely am holdin this all the way down. trippin ass. im mad now. and please tell me why ive been crying all day just random little fits of tears! like wtf ? why am i so upset....i think im really lonely right now, not like right now because im thoroughly amused by my doodle but by the time i get to my residence ill realize i am completely alone and cut off from the world...solitude.

xo loves you. and dnt you forget it

i swetabob

the most frustrating thing in the world is to be adimate about something and it not be reciprocated. I'm not necessarily talking about one thing right now, its relevant on so many different levels. there is are things I want so badly but the uncertainty almost drives me crazy! and I feel like...I cnt really put any of it into enough words to elaborate on how strongly I feel about this because its almost as delicate as whisper. said too loudy and its gone in the instant ruined in the moment and lost on the lips. so I've bottled it, dropped it, surpressed it but some days it makes me as giddy as a child and I almost smile at the thought of things.
I guess ill just toy with these ideas that are just minute glimpses of the furture, hope for something more, and whisper ever so softly.

xo out this bit

im about to drown!

im up to my neck with shyt to do. ya ya ya go ahead and say it, "way ta procrastinate Maya" ya well fuck you! ive been busy! scratch that...i will pay thee no mind my life is currently full distractions and mishaps. but really i just took a sec and laid all the shyt i hav to do by sunday because on sunday when everyone rolls back into town i wnt be doing anything but kickin it, i already know. so thus i have to
1. write the rules for this black lit group project
2. write not 1 not 2 but 4 history essays!
3. do a slide show for psych
4. write a 3 page essay for psych on a movie character, im doing superbad!
5. get in touch with my psych group and my black lit group and get all these projects finished and prepared.
these are the 5 things that are gonna ruin my life for the next 2 days....

i would rather chill out do some laundry eat my ass off and tickle this bass for the weekend (all pun, yes i said tickle!)

health update! Marvin has been waiting on a heart AKA a hard drive. ya well thats a damn lie kuz this heffer AKA my mother hasnt even ordered his heart! thus that means all this time ive been askin about my liuttle boy she's been bold faced lying in my face! like if there is one thing i hate-HATE its a liar. so ya its thanksgiving and all and she better be damn thankful i aint snap on her ass! she almost got a "wit yo bitch ass! fake. SO fake!"

tell me what went wrong...

when the signals got crossed and we got lost.

i really whole heartedly want you to know, sir, that i am not mad. i am slightly disappointed, i will say that. and ill also say this, if you wanta know if im mad....ask me. i do a damn good job of keeping most things to myself so very few ppl would actually know if i had any type feelings on any situation that i deem to be personal. dig? things happen, ppl drift a part. but please dnt say that i didnt try to fight for you at all. i can only fight for someone who is willing to be won. thus, if im feeling like youre not even trying, why would i fight? it seemed so one sided at times and ive never, i repeat NEVER, been the type to chase after a guy. and if i didnt hit you up i wouldnt have heard from you. if i like you, if i want you, you'd know. you knew. i was willing to help you through whatever issues you had faced with she who shall remain nameless (i see her f'in EVERYWHERE and she looks at me like im f'in crazy) but anywho i really feel like, if i was worth anything to you, you woulda made an effort to make time, to call, to let me know that "ya im busy but i stil want you around". i do believe i hav said before in a post that i will only stick my hand out to help you, break my neck to stand by you once, because if you smack my hand away i will be less than inclined to reach out for you again. i miss you, i will say that. we used to be really cool, and now that we're damn near strangers i hate to feel like ive wasted my time, so have i? did i waste my time? aimless invest my time? well... ive been sitting here looking at the cursor blink trying to figure out what it is im really trying to say for like 4 minutes and i guess im done...and if you werent so hott i would be less inclined to smile when i see you lol. but really, honestly, we're cool. i just wish you woulda came to me before we dwindled back to just you and me, before the signals got crossed and we got lost...

i think...

im about to cry and im not exactly sure why.
i just read Dori's blog-laughed my ass off! thank you Dori...
but she had this little prayer at the end for all of traveling and it slick touched me in the most elementary way i just wanta say "thank you" all of you. sometimes i think that God always a smile for me, in spite of my many flaws (i was about to list a few but i would need 2 blogs, a nap, and a snack) but he just keeps blessing me. and i think that honestly he should probably smite me, i can do some terrible things at times and i dnt listen to the good judgement He's given me and i dnt nearly deserve the good grace ive been shown. so "thank you. for loving me when i dnt even love myself at times" i guess that goes to my friends as well, because we've had some really good convo's since we've all split for break. (idk what we're gonna for Christmas! like oh-eme-gee this is gonna be no bueno) but i thiank them as well for always standing my me my little go babis whoot whoot for a smile and a kind word for all those hugs and countless giggles. Bless them please God, bless them indeed.
Dorian has a song on her page, i suggest you all go listen and read along. actually read it first and then listen its makes it even better. i think its gonna be my new theme songs. its deep.
and then, yes again from dori's, im reading the new love interest (draw a question mark in the air-shrug-"burf?!") but ive realized in light of recent events that have and are transpiring that im taking back a lot of what ive said before back and this time it'll be different because i wanta make some things work. and yes im stubborn and i shout and ill cut you out (i swear and i spit -so not cute,sorry) and im always in such a hurry to be everywhere with everybody and do everything but there's something in him that says take your time love, there's no need to rush its your life sweetheart. i just wish i knew some of what he feel, not necessarily about me, but about everything. ppl give their own variations of "him"...i want to form my own opinions, 'cause i saw somebody on the couch in the heat of the summer and again in the drunken early morning air and i dnt think he's the same person sitting on his car or high stepping every weekend.
the heart and the mind are very ridiculous organs, forever interlocked, and continuously at battle. im convincing my self of somethings only to feel something different. damn.

man...

i just saw the movie Quarantine! that shyt there was scary as hell! im officially spooked. i would say go see it but im like slick afraid of all sick ppl, animals (esp dogs and rats) and im no longer believing anything in the media. go see it and youll be feeling the same way....

ps-SAWGHOUSE SOCIETY ENT. if you miss it....well, damn dnt get mad SWAG! now get wit it or get lost

stressed at best

my life is a trip, a muthafuckin' trip! i swear! i cnt catch fucking break! excuse this post-im pissed. but im sayin', i payed 120.50 on a speeding ticket back in may. what can i say, im so fly i fly lol na but i went ahead dropped tha lil stack and im assuming its all gucci-uhm...no-HELL NO! i got stopped on 65s yesterday and this honky tonk trooper gon tell me your license is suspended, get out of the car. huh?! ma'am get out of the car and come to the back. slick smacked my ass and searched my cargos. cuffed me-yes nigga cuffed me! im lookin like wtf?! he cuts me a deal, call somebody to come get you and park your car otherwise youre going to jail (echo: jail jail jail) cool right, WRONG! my damn treo is frozen! my life! i coulda slick pulled this off had my phone bn on but nooooo that would be too much to expect from a 4 hundred dollar phone. maybe its just me but i dnt drop cash ta buy bullshyt! i like nice things and it only seems right that the shyt should wrk. im in tha back is this car heated, crying like a bitch! coincedentally i had just told a friend of mine i havnt cried in forever. whamp whamp this kid is always jinxing me! so my mom silly tail is like huh? where are you? what happened? im like fool this trooper gave me thiry mins-BUST A MOVE WOMAN! so i get back ta my job and call tha dmv license bullshyt place and they givin' me a whole different story than what i was originally told. why do they hire dumbassz for public service!? i guess ill call that the end of yesterday...

so today i hop up and drive ta east Jesus! where in tha hell is Hart Ln? exactly! FAR! so i get there and its like the dammit club in this bytch-DUNK! you ever noticed how out of order the little number system is they have...maybe its just me. so i get up there and this lil phillipino man is like, maya...that means little bird in my language(little spanish voice)...uhm-so! fix my license homeboi! $140.00?! but yall fucked up! damn, swipe it! ok and $23 for a license?! oh my hell! swipe it. total $163 + $30 for the half a tank fillup this morning= $193.00 and its only 12 o'clock. i still gotta spend $60 on contacts around $60 on a new tattoo possible $30 on dinner and out for one of my bff's birthday events! tha kid is not made of money...looks like im hittin up the ADM: automatic daddy money.

this a "whoa is me" kinda post kuz i just cnt seem ta keep my head above water.

excuse the language im a very nice young lady but thats some bullshyt! i need a drink.

xoxo