tell me what went wrong...

when the signals got crossed and we got lost.

i really whole heartedly want you to know, sir, that i am not mad. i am slightly disappointed, i will say that. and ill also say this, if you wanta know if im mad....ask me. i do a damn good job of keeping most things to myself so very few ppl would actually know if i had any type feelings on any situation that i deem to be personal. dig? things happen, ppl drift a part. but please dnt say that i didnt try to fight for you at all. i can only fight for someone who is willing to be won. thus, if im feeling like youre not even trying, why would i fight? it seemed so one sided at times and ive never, i repeat NEVER, been the type to chase after a guy. and if i didnt hit you up i wouldnt have heard from you. if i like you, if i want you, you'd know. you knew. i was willing to help you through whatever issues you had faced with she who shall remain nameless (i see her f'in EVERYWHERE and she looks at me like im f'in crazy) but anywho i really feel like, if i was worth anything to you, you woulda made an effort to make time, to call, to let me know that "ya im busy but i stil want you around". i do believe i hav said before in a post that i will only stick my hand out to help you, break my neck to stand by you once, because if you smack my hand away i will be less than inclined to reach out for you again. i miss you, i will say that. we used to be really cool, and now that we're damn near strangers i hate to feel like ive wasted my time, so have i? did i waste my time? aimless invest my time? well... ive been sitting here looking at the cursor blink trying to figure out what it is im really trying to say for like 4 minutes and i guess im done...and if you werent so hott i would be less inclined to smile when i see you lol. but really, honestly, we're cool. i just wish you woulda came to me before we dwindled back to just you and me, before the signals got crossed and we got lost...

the irony

daily, probably more than once a day, i check our blogs (Dori, Le, Frankie, and The Crayonz) and it appeared to me this reoccurring theme of half ass saying whats on our mind and how we feel. im not saying we hold back or water down the truth, but in light of recent events ive noticed that we dnt say names, we semi walk around the major issues, and a lot of the time we dnt even say it. is it because we're afraid of what ppl would say? our own repercussions for admitting the truth? are we shy? ashamed? i think some of it is about propriety, you cnt just say what ever walks into your head, a lot ppl wouldnt like me anymore... oh well. there is a shyt load of stuff to say in my head and i never do, i think thats true for all of us. this interests me because we all agreed that these blogs are personal property and that whomever should so read it cnt actually be offended. i guess im saying all that to say this...these blogs will never truly be ours. we have published our souls in a sense, releasing it to the public for analysis, criticism, and rebuke. and i gotta admit sometimes when random ppl bring up this blog i feel like im naked in front of a crowd. its a rush tho, to know i just said that to the world, THE WORLD! like anyone who googles me or anything close enough to me will find this, find me, uncensored and honest. wow....thats kinda got me buggin. but really,the majority of "worth while" posts are the effects of other ppl, the sweet things theyve said, the heartache for the things they didnt or even did, whatever they do that effects us we capture the moment and post it for the world. thus, they kind of become the property of those who have given us some mild revelation. thats slick bogus. i think ima start writing in my blog. i used to be a rather talented writer idk if i still have it tho. we'll see i guess. the irony, i write almost every day, but i have yet to really write. as if to say i am alive every day but ive yet to live. i started this blog for me, but ive pretty much dedicated it to you. as if to say im handing you me via email. we all have, in some way, shape, or form, dedicated our blogs, for the most part, to the memorial of one person, their events, our thoughts of them, and their screw up's and ours. i guess we all have our mr. monotony in a way. i just kinda wonder when will all of this, all the silly things we write, all the vivid imagery we weave, when will we wrap in the blanket? when do we stop existing and live? when do we stop writing and finally read the book? i guess there are still chapters to develop, still moments to capture, still blogs to post...

whatever it is

i wanta write! i cnt write! frustration isnt even the word, im at a loss for words. so many things to say and i could probably count the ways before i could put on paper or even this screen to say all the things i have in mind.

i...am losing it! what every it is that ppl lose when they say theyve "lost it". and i dnt even know when i lost it. where i lost it. how i lost it. but dammit it's gone! and since i cant seem to recall the who what when where and how of my misfortune i am stuck. without this critical piece of " " im not sure how im going to recover. worse, im not even sure what it is but im feeling like i need it...

i...am in a million pieces. but im not upset. its not like im falling apart from some tragedy or mishap, im just scattered. a piece of me is here and more of me is there. but there's some of me in this and some is simply no where. its all bad. and im not really even sad-indifference. as the world around me moves on in their hustle and bustle, their recklessness and ignorance; im slick standing still as if atop a building watching the tiny below. so blindly unaware that im playing God surveying their every move at least for this moment. except for at this moment im in a practice room listening to Lott rock this violin. so maybe thats just it...im everywhere and nowhere. im neither here nor there and while im feeling so scattered it all comes back together. and thru my frustrations im able to come out of myself and see things differently...or maybe not.

i...am...over it. whatever it is...