broken hearted

miss me? ya, i miss you too.

so today...all bad. i mean ALL bad. ok thats a lie. it started well, went well...til the end. then it was officially the END. more often than not i find that when things happen, when things fall apart, im always the shoulder, always THAT friend to go to and lean on. im always everyone else's support. but today as it all hit the fan, like i said it would, and the tears fell im holding one friend and consoling another. i generously offer words of comfort and optimism to every one. but where was my support? where was my shoulder? so many times im always there for everyone else and there's no one there for me. i have great friends i really do. and in this situation i know everyone was in the same boat but the fact is i give myself away, offering all i can to everyone and instead of feeling like... good (i need a better word, but oh well) i feel drained. emotionally and physically. maybe ppl dont mean to be so selfish and greedy but they are. now of course there were those who hastened to my side and offered a sad eye, a gasp, and a "so what now" but at the moment when everything i planned for everything i prayed for fell apart at my feet i was left to gather the pieces on my own. that gets old fast.

i believe that everyone has a talent, a gift. mine is support. im naturally supportive. ppl come to me and lean on me and thats fine im strong enough for that. but when i give and give and give and rarely get it back...that makes me wanna collect my support and keep it for myself. i need someone in my corner just like the next girl. im not a "lonely" person but im feeling a little alone right now.

i needed you today, and while your reasons were legit...i needed you none the less. i needed you not to let go. maybe i expect too much...it wouldnt be the first time.

-Maya

somebody lied ta you!

dnt ask HOW i know but TRUST ME when i tell you....do NOT swallow your gum. it sticks to your intestines my ass!
sorry i just had to share!

oooo lets do it!

so i guess ima be a swagger jacker and take the same road as The Bestfriend, i just dnt have the energy or desire really to talk about other ppl's bullshyt ass relationships, about cheating, karma, or how bad i feel for your misfortunes. its not that i dnt care, i do, its that i wnt care because if i offered my advice and if you decide not to take it, its your prerogative. done.
derrion alberts. i posted a video a video of his death but im really disturbed that NO ONE has said ANYTHING about him. everyone is still talking about f'in John and Kate and Letterman. ppl get divorced and we damn sure know ppl cheat! move on. kids in this nation are dying, we're losing an entire generation young ppl no one is addressing this pressing issue. i was just SURE Obama was going to say something, anything because he is from Chicago.....nope, fail. Nas was the first person to address the issue. ill post his video later. but Nas?! NAS!
so rumors flew that Maya Angelou, my personal favorite author, had passed away. when i say i was troubled, baby i was TROUBLED! i dedicated my summer to reading her collection, which i did, and completely fell in love! i always had a love for her poetry but after reading her entire collection of biographies i feel like i know her, i sympathized for her situations. no homo but i love her. no im not named after her CLEARLY her name is Margurite, but i do LOVE my name. not even tmz.com could tell me if she was dead, i had ta get a retweet that she was then a retweet that she wasnt! so im STILL in a state of confused mourning....fail. all of the prominent black ppl, all the trailblazers, and all the hope of our ppl are dying or are already dead...someone has to step up, damn near gon be me. attaining greatness is not something i take lightly...

bitch stop callin me!

man...tell me y sprint just text me like bitch you be on the phone TOO DAMN MUCH! ive used 207 minutes over my anytime minutes. who the hell been callin me?! so i call sprint and the lady on the phone is like do the simply everything because obviously you like to chat lol. well fuck you too that 100 a month! ugh, fuck it do it. i was gonna owe them 95 dollars in overgae for my talkativeness. no ma'am! upgrade and ill cancel that hoe back down later!
gotta work the system. 100dollars a month?! bitch please!

there's clearly a reason...

why 40 runs E and W... and the fluid divide of the tn river reminds me that some things are meant for that side, and the rest for the other. that while i can partake in less than responsible activities on one side, i have to stay on the straight and narrow on the opposite. it reminds me that in every one there is a ying and a yang, a balance. and while those can be complete polar opposites, they are what makes us, us. riding west into the setting sun, anticipation had me giddy. riding east with the same fickle sun giving way to the moon behind me, i realized im still afraid of the dark. and that if i turn back now, i could chase the running sun back to the embrace of familiarity and security. 40 is a traitor. my yellow brick road and my green mile. my hop scotch to happiness and my stairwell to demise. you need to pick, 40. just go one way. either take me to one or the other. i cnt choose which but a definitive direction would aid in my decision. kthanks. "why are you snappin on a highway, Maya?" shut up. the issue then arises when you packed your bag, intending on leaving your heart, and it stows away for the ride. and in the morning you find it in your toiletries bag and it seems to assume its the perfect accessory to the day's attire. uhm...no! you werent even invited! so what do you do? ive always worn my heart on my sleeve like its a new fashion. its become a wardrobe staple, but its rapidly becoming a fashion faux pa (thats a fashion no no for you style retarded ppl). but really. if you cnt see my emotions clear as day, youve got to be blind. this issue isnt that my emotions have been misinterpreted, ill received, or any other unfavorable response-its quite the opposite. theyve been openly welcomed and returned. "Maya why are you buggin then?" because i left that on the other side of the river...

xoxo

forgiveness is such a simple word

unless its you thats hurt.

its a journey. some ppl will gladly make the trek for any trangression i cnt say im that inclined to find my keys,

that old saying, its a lie,

its not better late than never. its better now than not at all. if you have something good i beg of, all of you, i implore you, it would behoove you to 1) realize and 2) cherish. realize what you have and what it means to you. if you know that you have something worth while you would make a conscious effort to take care of it, to never do it dirty, to never fuck it over. cherish it. its not enough to just know that you have something good, you have to tend to it. if anything is ever going to grow and bloom then you need to nurture it, love it, and be responsible with it.
i could be so mean and say "i told you so" but im almost sure it fall on deaf ears. you have no idea what i went thru for you. i never have been a half stepper, go hard or go home. so now that youve shown up on some "can i see you" shyt im not at all inclined to entertain and endure anymore bullshyt or heartache.
im a good woman and i know that. you should have too.

"you better hope that arm candy that you left your good ex for stays down and comes in handy"

all the things you didnt say

this cam eup a while back with me and the infamous reesey pooh about the fact that if you (whoever the "you" in your life is) if they dnt say the things you like to hear,i guarantee someone else will.
it honestly really upsets my heart that i still default to the faults of a past "you" but it is what is.
point= i got a infamous facebook chat form someone rather random but he is actually a really sweet guy and he says, "excuse me sweetheart but i find u gorgeous as all hell i would greatly appreciate your conversation" no im not for the formality of cliche approaches but it always feels good to hear that youre still desirable.
so i gave a white lied and said i had a bf just to get out of it lol but hey apparently im still hott.
but the fact is "you" never said those things and even now that i have a new "What It Do" or two lol na but this "you" says all the right things and i damn near dnt know how to handle it. its terrible to think that i dnt even kno how to feel when im being treated right. like when did i get this abused that good doesnt even get received like it should.

oohh! surprise surprise! you thought ya knew hoe was gon hold ya down...WRONG! she already tried to holla at my What It Do! silly boi, you thought you was gone one up this?! that cnt be done.

give it to me

"im so cool calm and mellow
ill have you by hello.
there's no need to be shy,
give it to me.
fuck what you heard-
i can make you a believer"

so me and aleesa (the mac) and isoke (the heart throb)- my niggas!- us plus the coolest negro ever The Joshua L. and his sidekick the ever chill Monty we all go to cafe coco to grab a bite and catch up and this kidd Joshua (pronounce yo-shoe-awh) who the boiz know, he comes up in true cafe coco finesse with his guitar and nappy dreds and plays us this song...sick with it. i was a little concerned in the beginning with the whistling but...hell, im a believer! lol i love raw talent.

i wanted to share that first before i go back to being {{DEPRESSED}} why? because Dunkyn-yes! THE GREAT DUNKYN, my first love, my son, my vehicular comrade...he's sick! im driving down the interstate and "ding ding ding" my check engine light comes on and im like "wow, thats a first" and the 5 fucking seconds later my car drops to 30 mph and wnt accelerate! in friday evening traffic! and it hovers there like its not going anywhere! so i get off and who do i dial...crisis+maya=DADDY! and he's like "aw shit maya, what the fuck?! i just cancelle the road side assistance" this is the same kind of bullshyt that happened when insurance dropped me and not my brother from insurance because he was too old not me and then i sprain the shyt outta my ankle! i have the WORST timing! anywho, my son is sick so after some exstensive bullshyt, rain, tears, and yelling. he gets towed but now i gotta have him taken to saturn for a system diagnostic...wtf? hell idk. but thats the next step...til then im rideless...all bad. and id definitely just got a job that starts monday at a smooth $12.50 a hour...UGH!
daydreamers please wake up, i cnt sleep anymore.

last thing! i love niggas that pop up with old crushes. man i love summer...lol. i justhad to go ahead and tell him "you wnata know if the truth...pull the zipper down and see." road trip anyone? ha!

privacy

so im awakened to the rustling of drawers and closet doors and i crack my eyes just long enough to see a little baybay kid all in my closet!
background: i dnt work, yet, ive purchased the vast majority of food and toiletries for my current temporary residence. now the other half of that residence is employed and has only purchased 2 little 4 packs of angel soft...something there just doesnt add up.
but there she is, all in my closet rummaging for my last roll of tissue. i told you to buy some...dnt look it me when your cooch is wet and ya ass is dirty. i know ppl are like well maya why dnt you say something...because im packin my shyt and going home tomorrow. ill be back thru to holla at these finals monday but other than that im chunkin the deuce to 608 and TSU as a whole, ive had more than enough.

-sigh-

you can hav him

Alicia
April 28 at 8:09pm
I'm not trying to take him from you..just in case that is what you're thinking.

So i get thi message today and ya i was certified pissed. No, not because anyone should ever feel like they could take something i claim, girl please, but because she contacted me. I dnt like girls simply for stupid shyt like this. i wanta know how long she entertained the idea of shooting me message. so i turn it over to Mr All American. ya i havnt mentioned him in a while and i wnt be. but he's all dnt worry bout it she just lettin you know. she has no place to inform me of shyt. just let her ass know this, "she can have you."

xo

ps i really dnt appreciate when i discuss thinigs in private and someone feels the need to run back. snitches get stitches...
niggas cnt hold water now a days. damn.

trying to be mature about this

you know how when you know things are whinding to an end its still really different from things ending. even when things were wack i cnt say that i didnt still wanta be in this. i gave it all i had to give so i guess there's nothing left. its been real. that sounds so cliche but its been real. really though, youre not the same person i met so long ago, its a good change, but a very hard change. i hope this is better for you though, just you.

xo
M&M

'nough said

this is how i feel today, so ima go back to bed before yall certified piss me off.

im sick

of cleaning
of whining
of making up
of breaking up
of lies
of explanations
of bitchass holidays
of never saying what I mean
of keeping secrets
of hoes
of you (there's way more ppl in that and not even the person you're probably thing)
of not sleeping
of bad dreams
of last minute shit
of this wack ass spanish class
of this dorm room
of being broke
of being mad
of being alone
of you not getting the one thing I want
of missing my daddy
of this bitchass water breaking my face out
of not meeting my potential
of cussing
of fake girls
of fake dudes
of people
of needing more hangers
of wanting space
of wanting your company
of this damn cd
of nashville
I'm sick as hell.

thinking

(all of these you's are different ppl. so if "you" arent mentioned oh well or if "you" are dnt get mad)

think of you are you thinking of me
thinking of the things i want the things i need, but is in the someone i think
thinking that you failed today
thinkinking that i cried today
thinking you needed a good shake today
i was thinking i was thru over it and done
thinking got me stunk and im not sure where to turn
thinking of the good thinking of the bad
think in general has me terribly sad
thinking if where i am is where i wanta be
thinking of you are you thinking of me

so im clearly at a crossroads. you can say your over something, done, etc all day but its clearly not that easy, not after everything ive invested. i think- i know- where i wanta be and i think you have no idea how much you mean.

thats how it is

so its like that?
you know how when you find out some wack ass news youre just like wow...its like that??
i dnt realy feel like summing up all this bullshyt, and i damn sure dnt feel liek crying so ima just say this, close the computer and walk away.
im better than this, because he's not good enough to me. i wnt say good enough for me b/c that sounds snobbish.
he really thought i wouldnt find out? as many ppl as know, as many homies as i have? you thought this one would slip on by...well i know and i think ive always known that it was in him. i just really hate to find out like this.
this is the second time maybe even more that he's made an ass out of me. i fargave it the first time but this time...not this time.
i really wanted to be that kind of girl that would be worth it to you, that would bring that other side out of you but i guess not, i see not.
i dnt know if im even mad, more hurt really, feelin played really. and im sure when i bring it to him, he'll say it was joke or somethin' but that shyt isnt funny.
cheating, someppl would say its like any kind of intimacy (kissing, hugging, etc) i feel like if youve gotten a little carried away at a party or somethin i could forgive that, atmosphere matters, but if youve sat around and texted and talked to ther ppl....na bro. thats not gon fly. thats investing time and emotion, thats getting to know someone, thats giving my QT to someone else and i never give his QT to anyone.
im a dummy, ill admit b/c at times its true. to have thought that this was worht it, to hav turned down so many ppl-good ppl-trying to be better than that to him and i can never get the same back. stupid on my part for benching the squad when he was playin every sport on every team. im not her, this girl that waits on a dude, takes shyt from a dude, or any other of that bullshyt!
so ya, i got more important shyt to do.

in so many words...

he may not hav realized it, as usual, but the things he says are really...hurtful, maybe even heartless.
being selfish-its one thing to want me to yourself, its an entirely different thing when you're selfish with me. I do so much for him and for him to be stingy towards me its like wtf?
I really doubt he's noticed but this all and some is really breaking my heart and pushing me away.
this is the one time, aside from my bday, that I would ask that most things be about me, with him very few things can be about me, and in return ill make certain "things" happen for him. but if he wants to act like that...ok, that's fine.
pissin' me the hell off- he ruined my day with that bullshit.

wackwackwack

metro nashville police are some party blockin jerk ass niggas!
oh and homegirl...the next time you make that stank ass face at me {{ima FIX IT! and straighten them TeEtH while im at it}}
watch my shoes too rathcet ass hoe.
toight was a bust but it was definitely a laugh with my homie k cantrell keepin the giggles on deck
my bestfriend wears live mechanics- yours doesnt. step your life up.

i guess im done, just thought i'd put that out there.
g'night my loves.

xo

whats really good?!

I have a major problem...
I havnt won a game of solitaire all day!!
I'm about to get beligerent!

another hard lesson

apparently, clearly rather, not everyone was raised with the same morals, considerations, or coutesies that I was. much at my expanse I hav to tolerate others rude and inconsiderate behavior.
you cnt help someone who doesn't want to be help, but dnt get mad at me when everyone is thinking negatively of you. I tried to let you know.
I hav certaim standards when it comes to friends and dating. I pick ppl like my grandmother selects fresh fruit. some ppl just grab the pre bagged fruits and toss them in the cart. not a good choice.
I'm really pissed off. all I wanta do is go to bed! ugh, this is so messed up.