all the things i couldnt say

ive been trying o write this blog for several months so im going to just do it point.blank.period because i cnt fully devolope the ideas into coherent thoughts and structure.
i dnt know when i was so badly abused in a relationship that i wouldnt recognize and welcome a good thing when it was infront of me.
im scared...let me say that again, im scared. its taking more than a lot for me to admit this. fear is wakness i try not to give into. this is bigger than clowns ppl!
i think ive always loved the idea of love but the facts of it are more than my little heart can handle.
unfortunately things can change depending on who youre talking to. if the other person is pro love, all giddity at your good fortune and shedding all the rite light on all the right things, you naturally are more interested and likely to do as told becasue you faith in their envious judgement, they want what you have, so of course you think a little more fondly of the circumstances and it all just sounds so damn appealing now. thus, in the same way, if that perosn is all "hell na" and stank face about it, you withdraw because now youre embarassed that you even took the time to entertain the thought. no one means to be that easily influenced but subconsciously we are all dry sponges waiting for the slightest chance to absorb something, anything just because you want so desperately to believe in something, anything. someone somewhere is reading this like "so trust yourself" my "SELF"?!thats just outlandish! my "self" is at war...
the issue... is that the heart wants what the heart wants. its irrational and void of all good reasoning. when the heart has a longing, a desire, it has to be met or there will forever thereafter be a void. the mind on the other hand is sensible, 2+2=4 and anything else is wrong. weighing the pro's and con's the mind can usually draw clear conclusions. that is until emotion comes into play and common sense is no longer welcome like flies at negro picnics. emotion is like the funny smelling candles that keep bugs aka common sense at bay. heart trumps mind everytime. they do say love conquers all...
im a walking contradiction. i love the idea of love. but i have no real reputable encounters with the complexity of infatuation and all the beautiful there afters.
God has someone for everyone. with that in mind, i woudnt be surprsed if He was less inclined to share the luxury of companionship on those who have already proven themselves to be seemingly ungrateful.
i dnt know love because i dnt know what it looks like.
its not shame, its privacy.
i just used to be so sure...and this uncertainty causes me to question a lot more than i can ever answer.
is there an App for this?

-sigh-smh ....well damn...