i read your blog

and you stole the words right out of my mouth.

ive been feeling so stuck in my current state. ive been doing very well overall but as far as I go im just feeling very stagnant, in a constant funk, and slick over most common day bullshyt.

the thing is:

i cnt stand staying on campus, i feel like i never leave my day behind because i live with this bullshyt on the regular. i gotta get outta this place. i need to lie my head down at night and know that i left the day alone and it didnt follow me to my dorm room. (yes, bestfriend you can hav a drawer lol)

i been fighting these urges, and toying with the ideas of some things that may or may not be a good idea and while i havnt reached any conclusions or made any substantial progress i think ill just let go and let God...

i dnt feel like being bothered. a lot of things and ppl hav become much less of a joy and much more of a chore. i almost hav to force myself to be all chipper some times.

i do such a damn good job of keeping a sound front i almost convince myself that most, if not all the things going on are just ok

i thought he was gonna die and now that he's doing so much better i feel such a weight lifted,im reassured, and im so grateful

i really miss my daddi...

i would rather sit around and play the bass than sit around look at pointless ppl's faces

im doing the best i can, but i cnt lie...some days i just wanta stay under the covers make a little hole so i can breathe and imagine dreams to dream, dream them, wake up, and do it again.

ya, everyday is a gift and i am more than appreciative for every second of every day but this life is a battle and while its full of beauty and love and all that jazz its a struggle and some days i cnt muster the front to face the fuckery.

i just wanta be happy. i wanta be the person i see so vividly in my potential, i want do and be everything i said i would. i wanta smile more and worry less. i wanta hug more and shrug less. i wanta be more and dream less.

the thing is...its all so damn hard. and everybody swears they know but nobody knows and im determined to figure it all out.