fooled me once

I would only want the best for those closest to me.
and even now, when I am all of distraught and hurt, I still hope you're happy. (no sarcasm)
my spirit just seems so broken.
did I disappoint you? let you down? I'm really feeling guilty but its you that brought us down.
"pray for me" is the hardest request I've ever had to petition but...pray for me.
I wanta be mad, throw things, and scream but...instead @ took a hott ass shower and let the water wash away the tears. and as I passed the mirror and looked at myself, all red and distorted in the steam, I didn't even recognize myself.
then I got in my car and drove towards the moon. I ended up at the lake. the place of so many memories, so much thought, so many smiles, several tears, and even more confessions. I've poored my soul out to the stars here, I've yelled for some one, anyone to here me, to feel me. and when it all went unanswered I cast a stone of misery into the depths of despair. I skipped pebbles of confusion across the water of understanding.
I remember one nite not too unlike this one, I drove toward the moon again and ended up here and as I stood on the edge of the water, balancing my life on that bolder I wanted to cry but I wouldnt, I couldn't bring myself to that shame.
and it rained and I didn't even move. I let my head fall back and let the rain make the tears I couldn't.
it was summer then but a cool night and I could see the steam from my warm flesh against the cool rain.
you're breaking my heart.
I made 2 phone calls on my way here, both unanswered. I'm wondering if maybe this is something I need to face on my own or those 2 individuals cnt be held accountable in my time of need. ill give them the benefit of the doubt and face this night, like so many others, on my own.
looking out across this lake there's a flicker of light, it blinks sparatically (sp?) like a glimmer of hope.
I used to think that if I could just focus long enough into the abyss, long ebough to see it flicker i'd gain some ridiculous strength to face whatever tribulations drove me to the lake of desolation.
and I've realized that the flicker is me. ill lit and weak. and ill never gain this strength I've been blindly searching for because its all dormit within me.
you never realize the power you hav until troubles call for your own will.
I wonder if there's a girl on the other side of this lake who is doing what I'm doing, not blogging perhaps, but searching herself. looking into the distance at some flicker behind me and drawing far fetched conclusions. I wonder if I'm really all alone here.
there may be worse things...
I'm done being all depressing. ill dry my face and drive myself back to the building I call home. and it doesn't even feel like home anymore. its so cold and callis there. it is what it is...a few more days and ill be back with my loved ones.