whatever it is

i wanta write! i cnt write! frustration isnt even the word, im at a loss for words. so many things to say and i could probably count the ways before i could put on paper or even this screen to say all the things i have in mind.

i...am losing it! what every it is that ppl lose when they say theyve "lost it". and i dnt even know when i lost it. where i lost it. how i lost it. but dammit it's gone! and since i cant seem to recall the who what when where and how of my misfortune i am stuck. without this critical piece of " " im not sure how im going to recover. worse, im not even sure what it is but im feeling like i need it...

i...am in a million pieces. but im not upset. its not like im falling apart from some tragedy or mishap, im just scattered. a piece of me is here and more of me is there. but there's some of me in this and some is simply no where. its all bad. and im not really even sad-indifference. as the world around me moves on in their hustle and bustle, their recklessness and ignorance; im slick standing still as if atop a building watching the tiny below. so blindly unaware that im playing God surveying their every move at least for this moment. except for at this moment im in a practice room listening to Lott rock this violin. so maybe thats just it...im everywhere and nowhere. im neither here nor there and while im feeling so scattered it all comes back together. and thru my frustrations im able to come out of myself and see things differently...or maybe not.

i...am...over it. whatever it is...