blessings

i work for an insurance company. members call in to me to set up transportation to and from medical appointments. and today while i colored and downloaded old skool rap muzik i got a call from Thomas Lundy of Cordova, TN. and as i go about filling out this transportation sheet, member's often times ramble on about their medical issues form coughs to boils... well this particular individual has progressive MS. he used to be a football player, happy, healthy, and whole. now he's so sick and weak, so unhappy and broken. if you've read any of the earlier posts on this blog i've been struggling with this concept of heaven...and he said "all i can do is be happy there is something more, something better after this. it sounds horrible but i cant wait to die and be healed from all of this." i wanted to cry. his certainty was overwhelming, amazing. "you believe that?" i said. "with all of my heart." he replied, so sure that there has to be more to this. i thought: how? you don't doubt? aren't you mad at God for the things He's allowed in your life?! you used to be happy! healthy! i used to be happy...sure. wrestling with this massive idea, i see now its not for me to understand, it was never meant to be comprehended. that, the entire idea, its about faith... blind faith, beyond a shadow of a doubt. no matter what anybody says you have to believe. i waned to tell him he was a blessing, an angel even...but how do you tell someone that? so i left him with a "thank you. take care, God bless." i hung up the phone and felt the knot in my throat, my nose started to tingle, and my eyes flooded...i wanted to cry. cry for his pain, for being so selfish in my own search of knowledge when given my current state i should be the first one to praise Him, for ever questioning the only person who has ever truly loved me. im writing this, putting myself out so that maybe, just maybe, you might be encouraged, that you won't complain, that in spite of it all you know to count it all joy because somewhere someone is dying, hurting, and crying. and if that someone is you, trouble won't last always and this too shall pass. God is so good.

be blessed because you have blessed me.

-maya