i never knew

i never knew it was this bad-well i guess i did but im shocked now because its becoming so much worse. he used to be my best friend...i wanted to be just like him when we were kids...he was my epitome of cool.
i see him in my face because we look just alike but when i look into his face i dnt know the man staring me back. empty eyed, he replied "everything is fine" the one of many lies. idk when he took the turn for the worst but its so easy to blame it on his rich white friends, or the white trash he calls friends, none of them are real friends... maybe its his soon to be baby mama, or maybe it was back in high skool when he cracked under the pressure. labeled a failure i think he is just subconsciously playing the role.
he's in way over his head now, doing things we never raised to do. "a sawed off is federal" i told him "a digital scale is federal" i reminded him. but even at his worse i just knew he would turn it around, pull it off and remarkbly become everything he was destined to be, proving everyone wrong we'd high five at his rise to success. that beacon of hope is a flickering candle in increasing winds.
ive prayed for his safety, for his future, for his soul; but im afraid now that they have gone unheard, unanswered. i never knew it would be like this, im sure if had that i may have been able to save him. everyone else has given up on him, wrote him off, and renigged their love-im all he has. turn my back on him? wash my hands of it? how could i do that?! why would i even want to?! i know that its bigger than me, that i cant protect him but im still ALL he has. im his one true friend, his only real love, his final glimpse of agape (google it.) im the last fan, the only cheeleader, the head and assistant coach but its 4 and long im not sure he make it out of this one.
my biggest fear in my life is that theyll call and tell me my brother is dead and thatll be the night i missed his call.