and was entirely overwhelmed with the desire to be spontaneous. i always wanted to live my life on a whim. i feel like we get so burdened with schedules and meetings that some how i forgot the life i wanted to live. i wanta wake you up in the middle of the night and whisper "come with me" and pick a star and follow it until we find somewhere neither of us have been or maybe we have but because we're here now at the spur of a moment maybe now it will mean something. something more than just a location, an intersection, maybe itll be the right place at the exact time to experience the life we were meant to live. everytime i do go run off its just that, running. running away from something, a bad day, an arguement. but this is just going, going for the sake of going. going for the appreciation that we can go, that we should just go. it really saddens my life that the most spontaneous thing i did today was hustle to sonic with my home girls for a cheap slush. it breaks my heart that before i even get up in the morning my day is already planned out. i know skool is crucial to my success but some days, days like these, i feel like i rather pack my life break my lease and go gallivanting around the country. of course logistically i could probably buy a one way ticket and a hotel for 2 nights and be entirel terrified, lonely, and broke but its really more appealing than reading syllabi and putting away grocery. deep down inside im afraid that all my planning for the future will disappoint the potential of living day to day. i find the strangest happiness in reading post secret every sunday and ive writtn 3 of my own and i dnt know why i havent sent them. maybe im afraid the secret, even anonymously posted, will give me away. and its not even anything profound but the thoughts and secrets i keep to myself are all i have. i love my life, i do, even though i bitch and moan about my own shortcomings and lack of balls to say and do some things, still love who i am. but today, right now, im lonely. and thats soooo hard for me to say and actually mean but i am. im lonely. even in a crowded room im not sure if there is really any one person on my side. and i love my friends, i do, but i have a very hard time trusting people. those closest to me are on one hand.
last Sunday postsecret didnt post secrets, instead there's a video up and the song is one ive never heard but i keep playing it over and over while im writing this. there is something outrageously powerful in music, something overwhelmingly moving in a song.
it was supposed to last forever, every feeling we ever had
we said we'd remind each other what we had forgot is in the lives we had
the lives we had
i was supposed to take our picture
so you would remember saying that
we wanted to capture it so we could remember the lives
the lives we had
the lives we have
-Donora
when i finally found it on line the lyrics went something like this
i like, i like when we whisper soft to each other
i like, i like when we're quiet with one another
i like, i like when we're nice, nice to each other
i like, i like when we surely like one another
repeat
the earlier moved me for some reason, the latter, soothed me.
when i read this back i wasnt sure what any of it meant until i finally allowed the postsecret video to play all the way through and it closed with this:
"whether we realize it or not we're on a spiritual journey...
even we're lost"
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