dang shawty! hell you bn?!

i know you missed you cause swettaBOB i missed yall too. sometimes when theres nothing happening theres nothing to say...but in this case truth be told its been WAAAAYYY to much happening to know where to start. this is gonna be real broken and speratic but i just need to say something/reiterate somethings.

thursday evening rambling....

i stepped off a cliff and fell flat on my face.

ive never snitched.

i think im over being single.

but i just cant settle.

i finally got some balls, and then got kicked 'em...shoulda kept my mouth shut.

some ppl say certain things when theyre jealous or really hurt just to get even...but that wasnt very nice and you know it wasnt.

im rapidly going poor...i need a job! im too hirable to be this unemployed!

uhm...brain fart

so my friend..."juice" lol remember him he's entering into a new love and i feel like this one has the potential to be real. as happy as i am...i think im a little jealous. i wantg him to be happy but i wanta know that happiness as well...(girl moment)

im becoming increasingly less trusting of ppl around me.

my friends are the only family ive had the pleasure to grow with, thats why i love them so, thats why i come no matter what, thats why i cant give up on you all.

im sorry.

i hope that you realize i meant what i said and it took me years to get to the point to admit it...

i was lying across the bed

and was entirely overwhelmed with the desire to be spontaneous. i always wanted to live my life on a whim. i feel like we get so burdened with schedules and meetings that some how i forgot the life i wanted to live. i wanta wake you up in the middle of the night and whisper "come with me" and pick a star and follow it until we find somewhere neither of us have been or maybe we have but because we're here now at the spur of a moment maybe now it will mean something. something more than just a location, an intersection, maybe itll be the right place at the exact time to experience the life we were meant to live. everytime i do go run off its just that, running. running away from something, a bad day, an arguement. but this is just going, going for the sake of going. going for the appreciation that we can go, that we should just go. it really saddens my life that the most spontaneous thing i did today was hustle to sonic with my home girls for a cheap slush. it breaks my heart that before i even get up in the morning my day is already planned out. i know skool is crucial to my success but some days, days like these, i feel like i rather pack my life break my lease and go gallivanting around the country. of course logistically i could probably buy a one way ticket and a hotel for 2 nights and be entirel terrified, lonely, and broke but its really more appealing than reading syllabi and putting away grocery. deep down inside im afraid that all my planning for the future will disappoint the potential of living day to day. i find the strangest happiness in reading post secret every sunday and ive writtn 3 of my own and i dnt know why i havent sent them. maybe im afraid the secret, even anonymously posted, will give me away. and its not even anything profound but the thoughts and secrets i keep to myself are all i have. i love my life, i do, even though i bitch and moan about my own shortcomings and lack of balls to say and do some things, still love who i am. but today, right now, im lonely. and thats soooo hard for me to say and actually mean but i am. im lonely. even in a crowded room im not sure if there is really any one person on my side. and i love my friends, i do, but i have a very hard time trusting people. those closest to me are on one hand.
last Sunday postsecret didnt post secrets, instead there's a video up and the song is one ive never heard but i keep playing it over and over while im writing this. there is something outrageously powerful in music, something overwhelmingly moving in a song.

it was supposed to last forever, every feeling we ever had
we said we'd remind each other what we had forgot is in the lives we had
the lives we had
i was supposed to take our picture
so you would remember saying that
we wanted to capture it so we could remember the lives
the lives we had
the lives we have
-Donora
when i finally found it on line the lyrics went something like this
i like, i like when we whisper soft to each other
i like, i like when we're quiet with one another
i like, i like when we're nice, nice to each other
i like, i like when we surely like one another
repeat

the earlier moved me for some reason, the latter, soothed me.

when i read this back i wasnt sure what any of it meant until i finally allowed the postsecret video to play all the way through and it closed with this:

"whether we realize it or not we're on a spiritual journey...

even we're lost"

im not one for categories

but when shyt like this happens, both to me and those im close to, i realize that the vast majority of guys-scratch that, niggas! are all the same.
im not one to put anything past someone. i try not to be surprised by ppl's faults, short comings, and such but sometimes i just wanta believe that "na not my man" bullshyt. ya girl, its yo man too! it seems like no matter how good of a girl you are, and dammit im a good girl! it does not matter! he'll still find a way to take you for granted, take advantage, and screw up. all bad, no bueno. its just so frustrating. i get a call this morning from the BigSis and she's tellin me about the certified tom foolery that has become of her last LOOOONNNNG term relationship. i really dnt care what anyone says, girls may have a hard time in break up's, crying and ice cream and stuff, but dudes cut a complete ass when they break up. fuckin around, pushin up, choosin hoes (ugly hoes) anything to just "be over her" thats dumb. true story-THATS DUMB! if you hurt say so, we hurt too.
im not about to do some usual relationship counselling stuff, because im sick of having all the answers for everyone else and watching my own heart fall to pieces.
as much as i always wanted to, i dnt believe in love because love doesnt believe in me.
that might be the saddest thing ive ever said and im sure MJ will call like "what happened love" but shyt happened and i just have to wipe and move on.
i dnt quit but this is a step back, a reevaluation, and a wiser next move.

its just one of them days...

i was hoping this would bring about more certainty than confusion, and to spite all my pure hopes...im back up this bitchass river -paddleless. like being born ass first, im extremely uncomfortable and terribly embarassed. some things are clear-crystal. others make me shrug and slip into my own quiet counsel. i cnt lie and say i dnt know how i got here, i definitely do. i knew i percisely what i was doing. but i had no intentions of things coming about like this... i can scream it at the top of my lungs alone in my car but i cnt admit the simplest of things even in a whisper, just to you. ive never bn shy, timid, coy but in the ever masculine, towering presence of you i find myself twinkle eyed and giggling. ive said it before and ill say it again, ive never bn in love because me and love have never bn introduced, i wouldnt know the thing because i hav no recollection, no snap shot, for reference. its like searching for a stranger with no description. "where's waldo?" if waldo looked like every other anybody on every other random street. good luck, right.
crossing the river back to the harshest realities. if i added all the weekends in a year, subtracting the ones devoted to work, studies, and family, mutiplied long weekends, skipped classes, and divided all of that by gas and found the square root of us...i'd see that some thingsare in certain places for a reason, and that some problems just dont add up.
idk why i do this to myself.

hesitating

so i hav yet to write the blog about my first week back, the great new person i met, the road trip to DC that almost killed us! or any of the other things ive scratched into a word document and saved in my phone...idk im just feeling some hesitation. like there's something i know i wanta say but to actually put it into words would mean i would have to really admit it to myself and not just let it be a passing thought that brings a smile or quick realization that makes me shutter.
expectations...ive said it before, ill say it again. expectations will get you fucked up everytime! idk why i know this and cnt seem to apply it to my own life.
ive realized somethings about some ppl that i really find as major flaws. and while it saddens me to an extent i think i already knew all along.
i hav and will continue to form my own opinion of some ppl. just becasue "so and so" doesnt like "whats her name" doesn tmean i have to too...so im not.
my bestfriend is the truth. it takes about 10 hours to get from nashville to our location on the edge of DC, after terrible weather and some 3 hours of a stand still in traffic, like no bull STAND STILL cut yo car off and sit traffic it took us 15 hours. neaither one of us slept! he's a beast and i love him for it.

i just have somethings i need to come to terms with on my end before i tell the world my many many issues......

well damn day 1...

you kno how you never had intentions of making someone feel bad, used, unappreciated, or the like and that's how it ended it up coming off...you kno how BADD that makes you look and feel. I've always been the one to taken advantage of and forgotten and now that I'm getting the very clear feeling that I've done that to you...I'm more than sorry, ever so apologetic, and so sad. mostly because I know I was wrong. I didn't see it as being wrong as events beyond my control were happening and somethings I thought at the time for the best but when it was brought to my attention and I saw it in your face it was like a knife just like "way to go Maya its only the first day!" usually I could care less if someone is mad or offended by something I do but that couldn't be less tru right now. before I really lie down ima pray that God would show me this from the other point of view because I wanta better understand so that sincerely I can know the other party's feelings and logic......................................................................................................................................................................................................(sorry but I really need to stop and do this).................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. and He did just like I knew he would. I was just instantly remind of this EXACT situation and how I felt and kno that I would never-NEVER-want someone I care about this much to feel that way. sorry wnt fix it and any other apologies just dnt seem sincere when you've been hung out to dry I already know. so now I'm in a rock and a hard place (never shoulda let myself get here) but I gotta wedge myself out, and not even for my own discomfort but for her's.
xo is biting the bullet.

ps I definitely wrote all of this last night and never posted it.
pss I'm too scared to go read blogs this morning.

for the first time, in a long time

my house is full of my family. my mom my stepdad, my granny, my brother and his girl and baby in the oven. they arent staying buy ppl are here and im like...wow this is my family. i didnt pick 'em sometimes i dnt even like 'em but this is them. ya, it gets bigger cousins and aunts and -ish but i was justs itting thinking about the ppl that share my name, my blood, and yes walt, my nose and i have to say yes, i love them.
ive come to realize tho that my friends have become a lot like family. so in my brief moment of getting in the season's spirit, if youre readiong this...i love you. and i hope you know because i need you in my life, i love you more than words, and im happy i have you in my life.

study break...

so im studying right and i keep humming this song i was listening to by floetry. the bestfriend always puts me up on some hott shyt. so i was like damn whats it called so i wrack my brain and bite my nails and............. i remembered! floetry let me in...

[Hook:]
Let me in [x2]

[Verse 1:]It’s kinda funny that you listen but you never show,
The kinda opening I’m hoping intertwines our soul.
It’s kinda silly that you really wanna let me know.
The kinda feeling that you’re dealing with you’re tryna cope.
I’m not perfect,
You’re not perfect.
This aint worth it,
You gotta know by now, I have good intentions,
But I got a temper,
Baby still remember, what we’re here to do.

I wanna help you ‘cause, I think that we can beat whatever.
I wanna prove to you,
Aint nothing gonna stop us never.
I wanna innerstand,
The type a moves you’re gonna choose.
I wanna show you baby.
This way we’ll never loose.

I’m in need of,
Your love darling,
If we keep on,
Starting over and,
Over baby,
Miscommunicating.
Then I’ll still be waiting.
Let me.

[hook]

[Verse 2:]
Something’s troubling it’s worrying,
And I can see.
Something different, bout the way you interact with me.
Something peculiar, I’m telling ya, it shouldn’t be,
Something singular,
When really it’s about the we.
You’ve been thinking, I’ve been thinking,
But we should be talking.
Our hearts apart are coming to their own assumptions.
They’re still in love and,
We need to need to know it,
There’s nothing else to prove.

Why you hesitate,
About debating on the real?
Why you acting like, I’m not your friend, I’m just your girl.
Why you tryna keep on hiding what I know you feel.
Why you trying to fight alone
You know I know the deal.
You’re in need of,
My love baby,
We can’t keep on,
Denying fate it is,
What it is to be.
You and Me.
Can’t you see?
Let me.

[Bridge:]
You gotta let me in,
So I can understand.
See I’m your lady,
And baby you’re my man.
You gotta let me know, I’m not letting go.
I wanna see forever,
With you baby oh!
You gotta let me see,
The pain will leave.
And I’m gone nurse ya, I’ll make it better.
You gotta let me in.
You’re the one I love.
I miss your kiss and hugging.
Don’t wanna hurt for nothing.

[hook]

[Outro:]
You know, I’m just trying to be there.
We’re on the same side baby.
It’s me and you.
You know the cool!
I got you.

wow, right? ya i know. so i consider myself a pretty open person. i take advice well, i give advice well, i seek others for council, and im there when others need council. and it gets me fucked up everytime! ok maybe not every time but it seems like my openess is always to my demise. i used to be a blindly trusting person, i wnt even lie about it, i would trust anyone because i just wanted to believe that people were good. well people are bad and much to my dismay they always let me down. so the song, it had me thinkin that there's no middle ground...like if you trust too easily you get screwed over, but if you shut people out in this attempt to protect yourself youre really losing out on the good too. so im like hell, im damned if i trust im damned if i dnt...thats so wack. so the bestfriend is a very private person and im always trying to get him to open up and talk about things but im realizing now that maybe he has a far better system than i. trust no one, and youll never be hurt. you'll be alone but youll never be hurt. its a win, lose but very few things in life are a win,win. idk but it just seems like for the handful of good ppl you can find in this world, you have to go thru like 50 million liars, 30 million fake people, and years worth of heartache. idk about you, but i dnt hav time to sift thru that much fuckery. so i think, and ive actually been doing this for a while, ima relay some bricks. ive allowed my wall to be cut down brick by brick and ive been left ass out and vulnerable. no bueno. so ima spackle some cracks and pull back because i know all to well the feeling of betrayal and believe you me itll leave you face down on 3rd bloody and battered and i wnt be caught up like that again.
you may say, maya thats not good to shut out people. ya well world its not a good idea to leave yourself open to be taken advantage of either. i dnt wanta be cold but i dnt wanta be hurt. there's never any reciprocity to this life and this one sided bullshyt gets old. like the whole fairytale, flowers, and giggles is some lie they tell children because if we had realized long ago the ways of this earth we woulda put a pistol in our mouths by 6th grade. damn that was dark....sorry. but had we known then what we've learned by now, it all wouldnt be nearly as glamorous as we thought itd be...
idk...i really dk... but i do know i like that song...

xo

i swetabob

the most frustrating thing in the world is to be adimate about something and it not be reciprocated. I'm not necessarily talking about one thing right now, its relevant on so many different levels. there is are things I want so badly but the uncertainty almost drives me crazy! and I feel like...I cnt really put any of it into enough words to elaborate on how strongly I feel about this because its almost as delicate as whisper. said too loudy and its gone in the instant ruined in the moment and lost on the lips. so I've bottled it, dropped it, surpressed it but some days it makes me as giddy as a child and I almost smile at the thought of things.
I guess ill just toy with these ideas that are just minute glimpses of the furture, hope for something more, and whisper ever so softly.

xo out this bit