this just in-this JUST in!!!

Handsome is a confirmed....mamma's boy! YESS!!!!
if you live under a rock then you may not have realized that mamma's boys make the best boos! why? because they care about women and know how to treat a lady! ya mammy aint havin no mess, thus he wnt bring no mess to you...see?! he might soon be playin point on this here team. lol.

you have been warned

of the plethora of advice i have,there is one tidbit that i am finding more and more to really live by. "have no expectations" for once its not me that had to feel the sting of disappointment but rather someone else and all i can tell him...you shouldnt have had these expectations of me.
let me explain. i am not suggesting to lower your standards of ppl at all. i have my stadards, very high standards actally, but i dnt expect the world of ppl. i try not to have ANY expectations of ANYONE. why? because when ppl fuck up, like they always do i dnt have to be so hurt and disappointed. life, in essence, is the continual attempt to reduce the pain and increase the pleasure. will there still be pain? hell ya, you are bound to get your feelings hurt. it happens. but if you realize and accept that he's gon jack it at least once you dnt get your hopes up, you dnt become blinded by his seemingly perfection, you'll keep one foot planted firmly and still leave you heart in the clouds to dream of love. get it?
so what happened Maya? a certain someone was/is feeling me and i did my best to be honet and upfront. i dnt want a relationship, i dnt wanta even get too close. he fell all in like and shyt and now he's feeling hurt when im not becoming what he dreamed of. wake up. from jump i told you wat it is, i hate that youre hurt but i tried to save you. summer allowed for some leisure and some mistakes, i wouldnt change any of it but i think i would have restated some of my rules and regulations. he doesnt mean to but he has some habits and tendencies that rub me the wrong way. how wrong? do this for me...run your hand backwards on a guy's head, yes against his waves (this will only work on a guy with great waves). now run! he's gonna give you the funkiest stank face and even some cuss words to let you know he is appalled! he is disrespected! and you just tried his gangsta! THATS how he rubs me some days. but like i said, he doesnt mean to. but i didnt mean for you to have these outlandish expectations. so who's wrong?
is it Handsome? yes and no. yes Handsome with his hot self and pretty waves he is just awesome! AWESOME! IN EVERY DAMN WAY! lol but he's human, i already know that, and im not getting my hopes up just because he IS human, and he's also a nigga... and while i told him the same thing as P-n-K if some aspects were different i cnt say i wouldnt change my mind. there's always exceptions to the rules...
back to the point...
i realized a while back that P-n-K was a few/several steps ahead of me and i pulled back, grabbed his hand, and i let him know "youre ahead of me. im no where near where you are. if youre trying to take that trip to Boo-dom (say it like Kingdom) im not even in the car yet, i havnt pack, hell i havnt even called out from work. slow your roll, we're friends." now true there may have been some times when things appeared as more than said friendships but hey, im human and i still like to flirt. this is slick how Mr Wonderful got his ass caught up with all these feelings and shyt. no no no honey drop, dnt fall in love, ill leave you where you land. that just goes to show you how cold ive become.
When i see that ppl ahve these ridiculously high expectations of me i drop off completely. while it may not be better to just quit, i think it might just be easier on me to not feel the harshness of failure because i couldnt be what you wanted. i dnt expect these things of you, dnt expect me to ang your moon...
i thought about Mr Man today, random. he was pretty hot too...lol but he had said one time that when youre "talking" to one person there is still entertainment around for your viewing pleasures. example: my fav show is Grey Anatomy (shouts out ta the Bestfriend) so when im watching that im "all in deep/loving it/balls deep" (excuse my french) but then there are all thos commercials, little funny moments that make ya smile and tide you over with samples of pleasure until the show is back. see... Or like movies. all the previews that get you all giddy and excited,a little tease, a slight taste, but you wait all that time for the feature presentation. summer flings are commercials. thank you Mr Man for putting me on game. (call me! lol)

just thought i'd let yall know!
-xoxo-

in so many words...

he may not hav realized it, as usual, but the things he says are really...hurtful, maybe even heartless.
being selfish-its one thing to want me to yourself, its an entirely different thing when you're selfish with me. I do so much for him and for him to be stingy towards me its like wtf?
I really doubt he's noticed but this all and some is really breaking my heart and pushing me away.
this is the one time, aside from my bday, that I would ask that most things be about me, with him very few things can be about me, and in return ill make certain "things" happen for him. but if he wants to act like that...ok, that's fine.
pissin' me the hell off- he ruined my day with that bullshit.

be careful what you ask for

ok. -sigh- idk what it is im even trying to say...
and honestly i think its best to keep this to myself, to us...so ima just say this because these are the things running around in my head

it all used to be so simple, and i want it to stay the same

a path will clear

boundaries, expectations

labels

levels

distance and time

spring, summer, and fall

if youve been through something its your obligation to offer that in advice

over a year

and im pretty sure that made no sense but i probably wouldnt have been able to sleep if i didnt say some of this aloud/on board

and i thought

of you...of me...of bigger things of silly things.
I thought of how lonely I am on this road at night by myself, and maybe this is directly correlated to my life.
I thought that there has to be a God to make a sky so grand and guide me home.
I thought about crying...and I'm not sure why.
I thought about turning around and staying one more night because there will be sooo many before ill lay with him again.
I thought about a ticket because I was speeding my ass off.
I thought about my friends, I prayed for my friends.
I thought about the time...all the time we've been doing this and why? why we're still doing this...
I thought I had a CD to change my mood but I could only play love songs.
I thought about next fall and football season and the lack of contact the frustration the heartache
I thought I could save myself from that if I ended it all now but then I knew I'd be entirely alone
I thought of us when its just us and that he is not the same person when the crowd shows up. not really a bad thing, I like that I get something no one else will ever see.
I thought about our differences. I love to hold hands, he hates to hold hands.
I thought of the other girls, if there are any, and I was all of over come with jealousy.
I thought of sleeping alone again.
I thought that those giant water tanks, the ones that look like golf balls and that maybe when the coast is clear giants come out and play.
I thought of pulling over and putting on your shirt.
I thought of you...I thought of me...I thought of us, the lack there of, the us more so. and while I was thinking of some really silly things and singing really sappy songs, I was hoping that you might hav been, just maybe thinking of me.

xo

ps I definitely wrote that last night and fell asleep before I posted it. I woke up in the middle of the night and took a shower and when I first stepped in and the hot water beaded over my brown skin I smelled just like you. and as I slipped into your t-shirt I slipped back into you.
Goodnight Love. Good Morning Loneliness.

chatting with mica crayton

so in a rather fantastic convo with Mica i hav come to a conclusion that i hav long ago concluded but the way she spit it let me know that she's right. i wnt say what was discussed but i will say it was worthwhile.

ok since i hav your attention i would like to use this time to say that you, all of you, are failing! this rapid increase in boo'ing is fake! dori how dare you?! you bet not leave me. so yes im being spiteful and jealous but i wanta be boo'ed up too! =( "im all alone there's no one here beside me" and some of you will be saying what about "so and so" ya, what about him?..
hey! ive got a grand idea lets make some code names for these handful of individuals
ok so we have...
1- mr. man=yes from the summer. he rapidly became my fav and now we're back to strangers, mere facebook friends. passing hello's and random pointless texts. i kinda miss that kidd tho.
2- mr all american=from freshman year. now that he's off to another skool, i cnt be what he wants but i do care for him and i want him in my life. but this whole where is carmen sand diego deal gets old and frustrating! heart him tho, cnt help it...my piggy :)
3- mr wonderful-i say that with the slightest sarcasm. but he kinda just showed up one day and ya, he is textbook awesome, but being that he's got the golden opportunity to be gone for a semester...i dnt wanta get attached. and honestly, we lack that spark, and i go on instant connections. and while i definitely enjoy his company i dnt get that tickle like when mr man would walk into the room, and i dnt always smile at the thought of us like i do for mr all american.
4- just for the rumors...the bestfriend= yes, we're still just friends-never done anything. but while everyone keeps toying with this idea of an "us" ill say this much. he's my bestfriend. and sure we probably would make a great pair, its just not worth it to risk our friendship because he really truly is my best friend and i need him to play that role no one else can do it like im (no pun/all pun). but for the record, were getting married 4 kids (a reggie III so we can call him Trip! twins and another child) and a dog. ya, we're officially promised lmao! we come up with some funny stories.

so ya vivian is drunk, rather hilarious .:awk-turtle:.
ima go to bed now...

goodnight all
xo out this bit!

yes there will be more

i thoroughly suggest the following:
adele-hometown glory, melt my heart to stone, feel my love, and hometown glory.

so ya, i guess im a little love sick. its cold outside and im ever so single! ugh! no bueno... but really i cnt say i just wanta hop on the good foot and settle down. i do enjoy the freedom of my current status but ill be the first to admit, this shyt gets hella lonely. and ya, i hate other couples! they make me gag! like real talk, to see ppl all wrapped up and smiling, all head over heals and shyt, ya nigga IM JEALOUS! i mean ya, im happy but im green too... geez, dnt rub it in. what makes me even more mad, you ask?? oh God, when ppl hav the opportunity to settle down with someone who is great for them, someone on the same page, someone that is CLEALY diggin you, and you'd rather pass that up cause...hell idk, you wanta play the field? youre scared? youre DENSE!? idk but i wanta shake the shyt outta ppl like that. and you sir, are burning my heart to stone. and you, sir, used to say my name like there could be an us. i best tidy up my head, 'cause replaying/imagining the idea of this is probably not best.

oh...the muthaf'in irony- oh.eme.gee.

thats how the cookie crumbles

some things are better left as nothing.
some things are better played out in your mind, where everything goes the right way.
some things are just fun things.
some things aren't worth bad things.
some things are just seasonal: summer flings, fall infatuations, winter snuggles, or spring romances. yr 'rond aint for everybody.
some things like this thing is just over, run its course, and through. and it was fun. but some things don't mean anything.
-out.

apprehensions II

I'm just afraid to be happy. I've come to that dumbass conclusion. it just seems like, esp in my life, when everything is good-too good, something is bound to go wrong.
let me say this: this is me. I am an honest to God sweetheart and I smile all the time because I am a very "happy" person, in the sense that I enjoy the moments of life and the joy they bring. I dnt like to argue, its exhausting. if I cnt sit down and talk to someone, explain, and let go of something its just not for me. I like things simple, I have a "lets not make this more than it is" kinda mindset about most things, esp about guys. I dnt talk to several ppl at once because off top I'm bad with too many name and I hav terrible time management skills. I like a man man. not too macho to feel but man enough to make me feel like a woman. I wanta see you when its just me and you, save the tough guy for your friends. I like to feel like I've gotten something from him behind closed doors that no one else can see because Ill show a different side when its just me and him (no pun). I give what I get, 'nough said, that goes for most things/situations. I dnt play mind games. if I'm mad you'll know, ill tell you, I dnt hold grudges and pout. I dnt set up little test to see what you'll say, who really has time for that. besides I already know men fail tests, they're dumb. as busy as I am, ill make time, ill squeeze a clock til the last second just to fall back in his arms if that's where I really wanta I be. if I matter to someone I would expect them to do the same. I believe in equality, I need someone to meet me half way on things. at the same time, I'm a lady and I hav very old skool ways about dating. I like a guy that picks you up and pays, now of course on down if yall do get serious ya a girl can drive and pay I'm not that unreasonable about things. but that's if someone should so get to that point. overall being single is cool. I dnt check in, I come and go, I get numbers, give numbers, kick it at will, but after a while it gets lonely and now that its cold...single is no bueno. and I will say that I am more of a relationship kinda girl, I know that I'm a great girl period especially to have on your arm.

so do you like me?
yes no maybe
-xo-