if it all ends today

so as we all know theyve made an ubsurd prediction that the Christ will return today at 6:00pm...well being that He is the Alpha and Omega...will He come at 6:06 or 6:11?? im just wondering. now before i get all sentimental let me snap first.

NO ONE WILL KNOW THE DAY OF CHRISTS RETURN, NOT THE DAY THE HOUR THE SEASON. why?! because the point is to live a good life, one worth inheriting the Kingdom without a deadline or due date for the end.

people everywhere are all uber religious today, taking comfort in the same anchor that was ALWAYS THERE! but now someone tells you its all gonna end and you wanna come running home?! thats FAKE if youve ever had faith, ever prayed, then simply maintain. ive found in my walk that He just wants effort, genuine effort. He knew i would fail, tatt my body, and whatever else ive done but ive maintained a relationship, at least ive tried. ive kept the faith. dont try and slap me with the word now if you never praised my God before. but then again maybe thats the point....maybe He has allowed this panic and fear so that those of you who dont know Him will finally seek Him. maybe this is a wake up call that the end will come at some point but in the mean time you better get know Him and praise Him for all things.

now...let me break down. the first few times i heard this prediction i combatted with the Word- no one knows when He will return. then i hit it with logic- who said this? who is this guy? what else did he predict? but now that its today 3.5 hours from 6...im a little antzy...i cant lie.

so here goes...

i am sorry, for any wrong to anyone i have committed. remove the malice from my heart.

i have loved. a genuine and sincere concern for other people. they have been the source of great joy. and i hope they know the impact they have had on my life. and i thank you.

i tried. maybe i dont always succeed or excel at everything but i have given the effort to do good and be good; using the talents i was given for good.

have i fallen short? daily.

ya i have tattoos

ive had sex

i swear

i recently found that i have committed a sin in the thought of someone...i.e. lust. i was dang, we all losin' on that one.

they say no sin is greater than another but i find it hard to believe that rape and murder dont outweigh tattoos and sex. but if they do, forgive me.

i think ive had a pretty good life, fun times, good laughs...so if today is the day i wont dare ask for an extension...forever with You seems pretty awesome.

i thought about saying all those things i should have said but if its not over tonight then ill look like a fool but if it is then maybe it was never meant to be said.

i love you. see ya on the other side??

excuse me while i be a girl...

i dont like categories but if this makes me "a girl" hell im as girl as i come! i want attention! i wanna be that girl that makes the world go round for someone. ive never been a jealous person and i still stand by that but i REALLY dont like to share. it has nothing to do with insecurities, im very sure and confident in myself but there's something extremely rude in dividing attention that i want for myself. that sounds spoiled as hell but fuck it it is what it is and theres just somethings im not down to share.

next. i have a handful of little sisters, a select few and i hold them very dear to my heart and that being said, they may not read this but hopefully i remember to tell them, youre wonderful...never let anyone sell you short. wait for no man. do as i say not a do obviously but guard your heart if youre not sure dont put your love on the table, it just makes a mess. its tru you cant help who you love, not necessarily in love b/c i cant speak on that, but what you can control is how far you let your love go. maintain a limit or youll be 5 years down the road still clinging to a moment that you probably hyped up in your hopes for a spark. when its real you'll know. this one is for you "little one" he's not ready. he's not sure. what you have shared thus far is as real as the day is long but just like the day ends so does the moment and when you leave, he goes back to her. some ppl cant let go of the familiar, some ppl want so badly to have back what they had when things first started but nothing stays the same and you can never change someone else. if ppl arent a good fit they cant be forced. its like a puzle, smash the pieces where you want them to go and the picture never takes shape...give them time let, them fall where theyre meant and youll get whats supposed to be. time...time is what this takes. we're young, theres time.

i have 2 whole tears in the bucket...my plans always fall through so fuck it. i take what i get, hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. im an optomist, a hopeless romantic, and grounded. never let yourself float away into the dreams that wont be reality. dont play yourself. if he wants you, he'll say so. if he doesnt he'll say shyt like "been knew that." #dagger. i dont speak fluent boy but i do speak english and that sounds a lot like "oh, ya i figured that but i dont feel the same." happens to the best i guess.

hey maya, they killed your friend

wait what?! ya thats how i got the news that the kid across the street from my parents. the kidd i grew up with is dead. idk if its more upsetting that he was a good kid, that he wasnt doing the wrong thing, that it was a stray bullet, or that i feel guilty for still being alive. every so often when someone dies i feel this overwhelming guilt for surviving. i feel so bad, maybe not that im alove but that he didnt make it. a single shot to the head. he was in atl, i was just there, and they call his family to get to atl and by morning they have to unplug him because his organs were failing. unplug your own child?! like i couldnt imagine.

my prayers go to his family. im sorry seems so pointless but Lord knows im so sorry.

if you learn nothing from this blog, nothing else from my existence learn this: every day is a blessing. if it was good or bad it was a day. someone else never got that. be happy, CHOOSE to be happy. despite the everyday bullshit that life brings i love it. i hope you do too...

RIP kiddo, see you on the other side.

wait let me vent! STOP ALL THIS FUCKIN POINTLESS ASS VIOLENCE! YALL MUTHAFUCKAS NEED TO LEARN TO TALK ABOUT SHYT AND STOP POPPIN THESE WEAK ASS GUNS! THESE PEOPLE ARE SOMEONE'S CHILD, SOMEONE'S SIBLING! STOP ROBBING FAMILIES OF THEIR LOVED ONES! IM SO SICK OF THIS SHYT LIKE IT FRUSTRATES THE HELL OUTTA ME THAT YALL IGNANT ASS KIDDS NEVER GOT A DAMN HUG SO YOU JUST WANNA KILL KILL KILL LIKE WHAT THE FUCK! FATHER FORGIVE ME BUT YALL SHOULD BURN IN HELL FOR THE PAIN YOUVE CAUSED!

a harsh reality

It is both a very humbling and a disappointing realization when you come to the cold conclusion that you're not a top priority.
I would never claim to be so infamous that all need to shift their main focus to I. Its not that. I would never be so spoiled to assume all. Worldly rotations stop for me. Its not that. But it is a simple courtesy to make time and reasonable accomodations for someone you claim to want so badly. I hate to be a brat and if that's how it seems I apologize. But when time is equivalent to gold right now I would think that the common day rocks that fill said time and space on the day to day could be piled else where for a while. But since that aint this I'm not with that. Just another blatant example of why I should have never entertained you. Especially not when I already know that there's somewhere else I would much rather be...
There's a saying: don't make someone a priority when you're only an option. Makes sense now...
As usual, me and my seemingly simple expectations of people have left my feelings hurt and me upset. Silly girl, you'll never learn. SMH.

a harsh reality

It is both a very humbling and a disappointing realization when you come to the cold conclusion that you're not a top priority.
I would never claim to be so infamous that all need to shift their main focus to I. Its not that. I would never be so spoiled to assume all. Worldly rotations stop for me. Its not that. But it is a simple courtesy to make time and reasonable accomodations for someone you claim to want so badly. I hate to be a brat and if that's how it seems I apologize. But when time is equivalent to gold right now I would think that the common day rocks that fill said time and space on the day to day could be piled else where for a while. But since that aint this I'm not with that. Just another blatant example of why I should have never entertained you. Especially not when I already know that there's somewhere else I would much rather be...
There's a saying: don't make someone a priority when you're only an option. Makes sense now...
As usual, me and my seemingly simple expectations of people have left my feelings hurt and me upset. Silly girl, you'll never learn. SMH.

let the record show

there are processes in place to insure the upmost respect and honor of all those involved. to assume that just because you partake in some outside activities makes you better than the rest is a bold face lie. furthermore to assume i exposed them, threw them under the bus, or any of the like is a LIE. if i say i wanta do something, anything, i do it to the best of my abilities, and with the upmost pride. with that said, i warned you. i told you that "this" was going to end badly and for the sake of my ass i stopped. now when the shit hit the fan i was safe not because i snitched like a bitch but i had elders willing to go to bat for me and my character. i did what i could to save who i could but the rest, i got nothin for you. i am sorry, i am that it is ending so badly for some but you lose one and maybe save more.

obedience vs sacrifice- obedience would say to go by the rules, follow law, and adhere to all mandates. loyalty to the cause and remembering all those involved.

sacrifice-selfish. risk the masses for a token title that is invisible to the outside world. sacrifice means looking out for self first and all those involved last. sacrifice is wack. and all those who are willing to sacrifice everyone for their own gain is just as wack. youve been brainwashed to think that loyalty means pain. that humiliation is honor. check your principals, thats not one any of this about. that shit comes from slave mentalities and 100's of years if needing to belong.

now the question is which am i? im an obedient servant. follow the rules so you can serve the cause. there comes a time when it is necessary to sacrifice the unworthy in hopes those who contain the merit can claim the titles, but even then, i dnt make that call. i was down for the "titles" but when the titles blurred the cause, when the titles got bigger than anyone else involved, it was time to realize that this, all of "this" will compromise the majority and sacrifice the masses. thats not something that makes sense to me.

the issue is that when it all comes crashing down you look for someone to blame. being that i beseeched you long ago about your endeavors you readily assume i brought about your demise. WRONG. I simply foresaw the coming and did my best to move you to change. when wise words fell on deaf ears. i saved my own ass and severed my involvement. all those who went blindly forth quickly saw that this road, leads no where and its too late to turn back.

so did i snitch, no. but did i warn you, yes.

i finally understand

so on my lunch break if i dnt runaway for a moment of freedom ill stay in and eat at my desk. B-O-R-I-N-G. but since ive decided to lie and come in all week at 8 i think i should stay in and actualy work...ha! so anyway, whenever i do stay in or when i find time i read some blogs, surf the world, and listen to muzik. so there is a blog i follow by a kid named E Dot Dizzy and his blog is definitely one of my fav's. this nigga keeps it so 100. so i read a post today that lit several light bulbs above my noggin. "Men and Cheating...simple..." here's the exert that made the wheels turn:

"When it comes to men, we don't incorporate feelings with sex. Never have... So if a man goes and sleeps with another woman, he don't love her, he probably just wanted attention. Some men drift off when things change. Things like appearance and attitudes. When a woman gain a few extra pounds and act like she doesn't notices or if she just keep a dumb ass attitude and don't care to fix the problem she obviously has... That will push a man away and he will start to seek the attention he think he deserves. Not right but its true. Women incorporate feelings with sex, well most of em, so when a man finds out that his woman cheated he is realllllllly hurt because he feel she fell in love with another man. If women would just understand that. If your man is buying another woman gifts and taking her on trips AND fucking then you should be mad. Well if he fuck another woman you can be mad and leave too, I'm not trying to justify cheating. Just giving it a better understanding to some folks"

http://edotdizzy.blogspot.com/

ok now before i start, let me explain. in my opinion, i could almost forgive a physical infidelity before any kind of convo and time investment because thats MY time youre giving away. and to cover that much time means youd have to lie to me. and lying s a direct insult to my superior intelligence! while ive never bn cheated on...well at least i dnt THINK i have...-head tilts-, damn...but ok here we go!

its about attention!!! ooooohhhhh *ligh bulb* -creaky wheels turn- ooooooohhhh attention {head knodding, eyebrows raised} i see now. no really, i see.... when i first read this i was like so since i didnt feed yo ego you wanta start buggin?! dumbass, you should know youre great! but why even get mad because thats PRECISELY what it is... It doesnt matter how old or mature a man gets he will always be a simple minded little boy (no diss) im actually jealous, because theyre simple, they lack all the complexity of women and our intricate logic. if we could stop over analyzing every thing he may do, trying to find rhyme to his reason, and method to his madness we'd see that he's simply acting out. (talkin bout other girls that want him, letting you over see some "suggestive" text, or including you on a list with a bunch of random numbers, talkin bout how good he can pipe "blah blah blah" some dumb shyt; just so youll get mad and show him some attention)

i cnt speak for anyone else, male or female, but i am very focused, driven, and independent. i would never say i dnt need a man because there are somethings money, power, and degrees cnt do at night, hell in the daytime. ive bn raised to be my own number one fan, even tho i have a great fan club in my family i do this (everything) for me. so naturally i assume that those around me hold themselves in the same esteem as i do myself. not true, especially for men. even the cockiest of men need to hear that theyre wonderful, that theyre strong, capable, and sexy. just as much as we like to be put on a pedastal so do they. and if you forget to pat his back and stroke that ego beware there are several other women waiting to cheer him on. im really not one to kiss ass, unless youre a professor lol, but sometimes for the sake of harmony and happiness you do whats necessary. i have never heard it explained that way and i really think that me a mr dizzy need to colabo on a book cause that negro is deep. or maybe he's shallow and the fact that we have to think so hard to grasp the simplest of concepts prevents us from being able to see things for what they are.

you have been warned

of the plethora of advice i have,there is one tidbit that i am finding more and more to really live by. "have no expectations" for once its not me that had to feel the sting of disappointment but rather someone else and all i can tell him...you shouldnt have had these expectations of me.
let me explain. i am not suggesting to lower your standards of ppl at all. i have my stadards, very high standards actally, but i dnt expect the world of ppl. i try not to have ANY expectations of ANYONE. why? because when ppl fuck up, like they always do i dnt have to be so hurt and disappointed. life, in essence, is the continual attempt to reduce the pain and increase the pleasure. will there still be pain? hell ya, you are bound to get your feelings hurt. it happens. but if you realize and accept that he's gon jack it at least once you dnt get your hopes up, you dnt become blinded by his seemingly perfection, you'll keep one foot planted firmly and still leave you heart in the clouds to dream of love. get it?
so what happened Maya? a certain someone was/is feeling me and i did my best to be honet and upfront. i dnt want a relationship, i dnt wanta even get too close. he fell all in like and shyt and now he's feeling hurt when im not becoming what he dreamed of. wake up. from jump i told you wat it is, i hate that youre hurt but i tried to save you. summer allowed for some leisure and some mistakes, i wouldnt change any of it but i think i would have restated some of my rules and regulations. he doesnt mean to but he has some habits and tendencies that rub me the wrong way. how wrong? do this for me...run your hand backwards on a guy's head, yes against his waves (this will only work on a guy with great waves). now run! he's gonna give you the funkiest stank face and even some cuss words to let you know he is appalled! he is disrespected! and you just tried his gangsta! THATS how he rubs me some days. but like i said, he doesnt mean to. but i didnt mean for you to have these outlandish expectations. so who's wrong?
is it Handsome? yes and no. yes Handsome with his hot self and pretty waves he is just awesome! AWESOME! IN EVERY DAMN WAY! lol but he's human, i already know that, and im not getting my hopes up just because he IS human, and he's also a nigga... and while i told him the same thing as P-n-K if some aspects were different i cnt say i wouldnt change my mind. there's always exceptions to the rules...
back to the point...
i realized a while back that P-n-K was a few/several steps ahead of me and i pulled back, grabbed his hand, and i let him know "youre ahead of me. im no where near where you are. if youre trying to take that trip to Boo-dom (say it like Kingdom) im not even in the car yet, i havnt pack, hell i havnt even called out from work. slow your roll, we're friends." now true there may have been some times when things appeared as more than said friendships but hey, im human and i still like to flirt. this is slick how Mr Wonderful got his ass caught up with all these feelings and shyt. no no no honey drop, dnt fall in love, ill leave you where you land. that just goes to show you how cold ive become.
When i see that ppl ahve these ridiculously high expectations of me i drop off completely. while it may not be better to just quit, i think it might just be easier on me to not feel the harshness of failure because i couldnt be what you wanted. i dnt expect these things of you, dnt expect me to ang your moon...
i thought about Mr Man today, random. he was pretty hot too...lol but he had said one time that when youre "talking" to one person there is still entertainment around for your viewing pleasures. example: my fav show is Grey Anatomy (shouts out ta the Bestfriend) so when im watching that im "all in deep/loving it/balls deep" (excuse my french) but then there are all thos commercials, little funny moments that make ya smile and tide you over with samples of pleasure until the show is back. see... Or like movies. all the previews that get you all giddy and excited,a little tease, a slight taste, but you wait all that time for the feature presentation. summer flings are commercials. thank you Mr Man for putting me on game. (call me! lol)

just thought i'd let yall know!
-xoxo-

my life, your entetainment

so this here blogging has become something of a best friend ((not to be confused with THE Bestfriend)) for me. while it offers no good advice or brings me back to reality, it laughs at all my jokes and accepts all my pain. it listens, which is a lot more than i can say for some friends. never judging ...it cold all be so simple... has welcomed me time and time again with open arms and and even more open ears, maybe i should say keys...hell his metaphor is getting too hard.
im stopping by today to say this "if you read my blog, i thank you" you never realize the effects you are having on ppl's lives by simply being you. i made a promise to myself that this would be the one thing i do for me, my one unchanging outlet, and that no one will censor this. i watch my mouth all day, in here ima keep 110. my life has been kind of hard at times. ive been very stupid about some things. ive had to learn some tough lessons. ive cried. ive laughed. ive apologized. and ive been forgiven. all of which is perfectly captured here, day by day with each post. i received a text this morning, thanking me for a post a wrote bck in june "all the things i couldnt say". she said it really shed some light on her present situation. i feel like anyone can relate to anyone because we're all human and some emotions are just universal. still tho, i feel obliged to share some advice so maybe someone somewhere doesnt have to figh the same battle that i lost. i never even realized so many ppl read this blog and while im flattered im also a little embarassed. i put somethings out here that i normally would have never said. letting ppl in isnt easy at all, some one is like but youre cool with everyone, ya "cool" i dnt let most ppl in past a certain pnt. sorry to my "friends" but i just dnt trust like that. let me clarfy, i trust everyone until you prove to me youre untrustworthy. no, i dnt just walk around confiding in strangers, the contrary, i dnt say anything until i know your trust level = trevel. once that is decided then i assign your depth of friendship and to what extent i will let you in. granted, ive made some mistakes, let the wrong ones too close, kept the right ones too far, even misplaced ppl all together-im human. but my blog has been the been the perfect confidant for all my issues, the perfect praise for all my achievements, the perfect shoulder for my tears, and still the perfect shrug for all my confusion. so if youre reading this, know that i dnt do this for kicks, i do this because i have a dome full of thoughts, ideas, emotions, and stories and i have to get it out or im araid my head with bust and flap around the room like a rapidly deflating baloon, or worse, itll fall of my shoulders and smash like a watermelon.

fyi

a good morning and a goodnight text gets you mad points over here pal

i opened this...

because ive had a few things on my mind. several of which, as usual ill keep to myself.
ima just ramble becasue i dnt have one set topic, call it point.blank.period. i call it runnin my mouth...
so some things are progressing and im really happy. you sir, make me happy. way to go for showing the initiative. off to a great start.
apparently nashville sucks deer dingy 'cause nothing is shaking for new yrs. i was gonna try to go to arlington to kick it with doodle but im not sure thats gonna work...
i look like a hebrew slave, i need my hair done. florence, my african-in a nonslave master way, finally brought her 8 language speakin ass back to the US. and im like so...parents im nappy headed who wants to hand over the 180....ya, ya, c'mon. wtf?! i dnt even know what "no" means! fuck yall talkin bout?! i look like a SLAVE! A RUNAWAY SLAVE, at that! im so mad.
walter parker will make a great dadd! its ok to spoil your girls, trust. even if they forget tp say thanks, one day theyll tatt it on their wrists. no better way ta say thanks! lol
peep this GARYtarded! get it??!! ya well get ya shyt together niggas got messages to send and yo ass needs to deliver.
im soooo proud of my bestfriend! he's growing up so fast. you gotta learn to pick the battles, not every risk is worth it. love you more than words.
ok let me say this. i have these friends, a couple. and lately theyve been struggling with a lot of things. i wnt air their business but i will dicuss the impact its had on me, 2 things...(pay attention sir)
1mistakes happen. if i tell you i made a mistake(nothing major), take my word for it, be glad i admitted it, and get over it.
2dnt belittle me or my emotions. if im telling you how i feel about something, if im trying to talk about an issue we're having, or im upset or something; do not make light, make less, or make fun of how i feel. and dnt you dare suggest that any of what i feel is BS. if it matters to me at least try to understand.
i really hate that i ever made my blog so personal to me. if you didnt know me, you'd probably find this blog boring and irrelevant. i made a wise choice not to say names but the majority of the ppl who actually follow this know who each perosn is...so really whats the point?! ima start discussing different stuff, music, art, tattos, fashion, etc. i dnt want this to always be a "dear diary, today i..." so coming soon enough ...it could all be so simple... will start to dabble in other things and leave my heart where it belongs, safe in the caves of my chest.

lying in bed...

so I went to the movies tonight and I realized I havnt been to a movie without mr all american in quite some time.
the Curious Case of Benjamin Button is a fuckin waste of time. way too long and maybe I'm being harsh but there was no point. he was born old he died a baby. done.
when encountering an ex be reminded that there is a reason he's your ex. to spite all the cute little memories that flood your mind, wake up day dreamer. the consequences and losses would be far worse than the gain...
I'm watching mulan and missing fankfank lol she always sings along.
I understand the need to seek revenge, please believe I have spoken death and harm, fire and brimstone upon a many of those who shot me and beat my ass to the ground, but when you get up, your face heals, the stitches come out, you'll realize that this coulda bn a lot worse and maybe even be grateful that you're in this post state of clarity. the only thing truly hurt is your pride, bestfriend. chalk it to the game and never get caught slippin. 3 other kids died the winter I was shot, ppl died the night you got stole on. shyt happens, be happy we're still here. bandage the wounds and heal. pride is a deadly thing...
I'm a fatty, I need to hit a gym.
its 3 in the
morning and all I want...you.
I'm sleepy now, see you in my dreams.
xo loves you and dnt you forget it.

be careful what you ask for

ok. -sigh- idk what it is im even trying to say...
and honestly i think its best to keep this to myself, to us...so ima just say this because these are the things running around in my head

it all used to be so simple, and i want it to stay the same

a path will clear

boundaries, expectations

labels

levels

distance and time

spring, summer, and fall

if youve been through something its your obligation to offer that in advice

over a year

and im pretty sure that made no sense but i probably wouldnt have been able to sleep if i didnt say some of this aloud/on board

auld lang syne

idk if youve ever heard this song but its an old scottish folk song and ppl sing it on new years. its called Auld Lang Syne roughly translates as Old Times Since. so as you read if you see it switch the auld lang syne for old times since im trying to find a full english translation tho. really like it, it can take you a lot of places if youre thinking back on the year past.

Auld Lang Syne

Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind ?
Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and old times since ?

{chorus}For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne, (for old times since)
we'll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

And surely you’ll buy your pint cup.
And surely you'll buy mine
And we'll take a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

{chorus}

We two have run about the slopes,
and picked the daisies fine;
But we’ve wandered many a weary foot,
since auld lang syne.

{chorus}

We two have paddled in the stream,
from morning sun till dine†;
But seas between us broad have roared
since auld lang syne

{chorus}

And here's a hand my trusty friend!
And give us a hand o’ thine!
And we’ll take a right good-will draught,
for auld lang syne.

{chorus}

idk maybe its just me being all sappy but this year has been a trip. i already did my LOVE/HATE 2008 so i wnt go there but i will say this, whoever your mind wanders to as you read and interperate this song to you and your life maybe thats where youll need to be maybe who you need to be with in the next few days with the rapidly approaching year.

be happy.

ok so last night

we went to see seven pounds and you have to see it.
it was over my head slick but the acting, the emotion, then....oh my bob! a-fucking-mazing. like i cnt even review it because its just so much you have to just see it, and pain attention! its stars off and really doesnt give you anything to grasp an understanding for a good little min...but stick with it...

enjoy
xo

puddles, rivers, and rainboots

you bought rainboots because you like to splash in puddles. its shallow and easy, and once its over you just step out like its nothin. you like the safety of simply splashing in meaningless puddles until you stepped yo ass in a river.and the current swept you away. its rather rude to sweep someone off their feet and leave them there, we've already established this...but when you bring the dustpan and gather up the pieces, when someone comes correct and intentionally did all the things it takes...you get scared. your foots in the door but you left your rainboots...you weren't prepared for what a river would bring, both depth and motion. you werent stable enough to surf a swag like that, and now instinctively you wanna pull back, anchor yourself and step in strong. well they dnt make riverproof rainboots and they dnt make make shatterproof hearts. you're already wet you might as well swim...holding back isn't gonna protect you, and rainboots wnt keep you dry. seize the motion or let go of this.