i read your blog

and you stole the words right out of my mouth.

ive been feeling so stuck in my current state. ive been doing very well overall but as far as I go im just feeling very stagnant, in a constant funk, and slick over most common day bullshyt.

the thing is:

i cnt stand staying on campus, i feel like i never leave my day behind because i live with this bullshyt on the regular. i gotta get outta this place. i need to lie my head down at night and know that i left the day alone and it didnt follow me to my dorm room. (yes, bestfriend you can hav a drawer lol)

i been fighting these urges, and toying with the ideas of some things that may or may not be a good idea and while i havnt reached any conclusions or made any substantial progress i think ill just let go and let God...

i dnt feel like being bothered. a lot of things and ppl hav become much less of a joy and much more of a chore. i almost hav to force myself to be all chipper some times.

i do such a damn good job of keeping a sound front i almost convince myself that most, if not all the things going on are just ok

i thought he was gonna die and now that he's doing so much better i feel such a weight lifted,im reassured, and im so grateful

i really miss my daddi...

i would rather sit around and play the bass than sit around look at pointless ppl's faces

im doing the best i can, but i cnt lie...some days i just wanta stay under the covers make a little hole so i can breathe and imagine dreams to dream, dream them, wake up, and do it again.

ya, everyday is a gift and i am more than appreciative for every second of every day but this life is a battle and while its full of beauty and love and all that jazz its a struggle and some days i cnt muster the front to face the fuckery.

i just wanta be happy. i wanta be the person i see so vividly in my potential, i want do and be everything i said i would. i wanta smile more and worry less. i wanta hug more and shrug less. i wanta be more and dream less.

the thing is...its all so damn hard. and everybody swears they know but nobody knows and im determined to figure it all out.

yes there will be more

i thoroughly suggest the following:
adele-hometown glory, melt my heart to stone, feel my love, and hometown glory.

so ya, i guess im a little love sick. its cold outside and im ever so single! ugh! no bueno... but really i cnt say i just wanta hop on the good foot and settle down. i do enjoy the freedom of my current status but ill be the first to admit, this shyt gets hella lonely. and ya, i hate other couples! they make me gag! like real talk, to see ppl all wrapped up and smiling, all head over heals and shyt, ya nigga IM JEALOUS! i mean ya, im happy but im green too... geez, dnt rub it in. what makes me even more mad, you ask?? oh God, when ppl hav the opportunity to settle down with someone who is great for them, someone on the same page, someone that is CLEALY diggin you, and you'd rather pass that up cause...hell idk, you wanta play the field? youre scared? youre DENSE!? idk but i wanta shake the shyt outta ppl like that. and you sir, are burning my heart to stone. and you, sir, used to say my name like there could be an us. i best tidy up my head, 'cause replaying/imagining the idea of this is probably not best.

i think...

im about to cry and im not exactly sure why.
i just read Dori's blog-laughed my ass off! thank you Dori...
but she had this little prayer at the end for all of traveling and it slick touched me in the most elementary way i just wanta say "thank you" all of you. sometimes i think that God always a smile for me, in spite of my many flaws (i was about to list a few but i would need 2 blogs, a nap, and a snack) but he just keeps blessing me. and i think that honestly he should probably smite me, i can do some terrible things at times and i dnt listen to the good judgement He's given me and i dnt nearly deserve the good grace ive been shown. so "thank you. for loving me when i dnt even love myself at times" i guess that goes to my friends as well, because we've had some really good convo's since we've all split for break. (idk what we're gonna for Christmas! like oh-eme-gee this is gonna be no bueno) but i thiank them as well for always standing my me my little go babis whoot whoot for a smile and a kind word for all those hugs and countless giggles. Bless them please God, bless them indeed.
Dorian has a song on her page, i suggest you all go listen and read along. actually read it first and then listen its makes it even better. i think its gonna be my new theme songs. its deep.
and then, yes again from dori's, im reading the new love interest (draw a question mark in the air-shrug-"burf?!") but ive realized in light of recent events that have and are transpiring that im taking back a lot of what ive said before back and this time it'll be different because i wanta make some things work. and yes im stubborn and i shout and ill cut you out (i swear and i spit -so not cute,sorry) and im always in such a hurry to be everywhere with everybody and do everything but there's something in him that says take your time love, there's no need to rush its your life sweetheart. i just wish i knew some of what he feel, not necessarily about me, but about everything. ppl give their own variations of "him"...i want to form my own opinions, 'cause i saw somebody on the couch in the heat of the summer and again in the drunken early morning air and i dnt think he's the same person sitting on his car or high stepping every weekend.
the heart and the mind are very ridiculous organs, forever interlocked, and continuously at battle. im convincing my self of somethings only to feel something different. damn.

untitled

I would like to write some profound, inspiring, enlightening type of blog. like something you would read and be like "damn, that was dope. like I wanta go change the world or save a soul because of maya's amazing blog" well that's not gonna happen because everytime I open this page I wanta say somethin about you-UGH! I'm on my treo, in class wishing I could blog something worth while.
I need a hug.
I'm sick.
I'm tired.
I need a damn hug.