Happy-EST Valentine's Day

so in typical girl fashion i was all bummed that my chronic singleness was going to leave me totally alone and bored for Valentine's Day. Background: while ive had my fair share of "relationships" ive never just really had a great vday. dinner and movie, chillaxing, sex...and thats really only one time. prewrapped vday baskets-bummer. i dont really care for stuff i love the effort. which is why.....EARL is my favorite vday present EVER! being that im a neo to Alpha Kappa Alpha a frog was very fitting, and he's HUGE! and he's holding a giant heart that just happens to say my damn name! "XOXO" tell me he's just not perfect. and what makes him so wonderful you ask? he was totally unexpected. i was late, no surprise there, and im waiting at the door of eric's apartment and finally The Bestfriend opens and he has this huge stuffed frog and he says his name is Earl. in that moment i could have died. to know that you matter enough to someone else to make the gesture that he did, means more than i can say. so the 4 of us go to All Fired Up, where you paint a peice of pottery then they glaze it and you pick it up! i made a piece that for discretions sake will remane nameless but his name is Hersh. and he made me Claire Huxtable. she's wonderful. ill post some pics when we go pick them up. But meet Earl!

i was watching a documentary about relationships, sex, attraction, etc. and it explains that the idea of attraction is based on being able to see something that you like in yourself in someone else. with that in mind, im attracted to him, with his attractive ass.

quote for the day

sraight from MaryJane "i love you silently" thus, do you love me back? damn MJ...thats so deep...

John Legend- i love, you love.

the nightly routine

so im doin the regular routine, checkin the facebook, reading blogs and i stumble across 5star's blog and she's obviously fighting a hell of a battle but she posted Saving All My Love for You by Whitney Houston on her page. i used ta be Whitney's number one fan! like die hard! and that made me download some whitney. so the song for the night that just fits so like a glove. Exhale by Whitney Houston. damn.

oh!!! so i had sent my big brother, Adrian, ya my actual sibling a message cauuse i needed his advice about this current tom foolery and he sends back. "youre definitely his main but i wouldnt be surprise if there was some else or others. but he's cuffin you 'cause he knows he definitely dnt want another nigga ta get you. he knows youre worth it but he tweekin. treat him like a lame, baby girl and move on" so easier said than done....

youll find the point when you will exhale...

there's clearly a reason...

why 40 runs E and W... and the fluid divide of the tn river reminds me that some things are meant for that side, and the rest for the other. that while i can partake in less than responsible activities on one side, i have to stay on the straight and narrow on the opposite. it reminds me that in every one there is a ying and a yang, a balance. and while those can be complete polar opposites, they are what makes us, us. riding west into the setting sun, anticipation had me giddy. riding east with the same fickle sun giving way to the moon behind me, i realized im still afraid of the dark. and that if i turn back now, i could chase the running sun back to the embrace of familiarity and security. 40 is a traitor. my yellow brick road and my green mile. my hop scotch to happiness and my stairwell to demise. you need to pick, 40. just go one way. either take me to one or the other. i cnt choose which but a definitive direction would aid in my decision. kthanks. "why are you snappin on a highway, Maya?" shut up. the issue then arises when you packed your bag, intending on leaving your heart, and it stows away for the ride. and in the morning you find it in your toiletries bag and it seems to assume its the perfect accessory to the day's attire. uhm...no! you werent even invited! so what do you do? ive always worn my heart on my sleeve like its a new fashion. its become a wardrobe staple, but its rapidly becoming a fashion faux pa (thats a fashion no no for you style retarded ppl). but really. if you cnt see my emotions clear as day, youve got to be blind. this issue isnt that my emotions have been misinterpreted, ill received, or any other unfavorable response-its quite the opposite. theyve been openly welcomed and returned. "Maya why are you buggin then?" because i left that on the other side of the river...

xoxo

all the things i couldnt say

ive been trying o write this blog for several months so im going to just do it point.blank.period because i cnt fully devolope the ideas into coherent thoughts and structure.
i dnt know when i was so badly abused in a relationship that i wouldnt recognize and welcome a good thing when it was infront of me.
im scared...let me say that again, im scared. its taking more than a lot for me to admit this. fear is wakness i try not to give into. this is bigger than clowns ppl!
i think ive always loved the idea of love but the facts of it are more than my little heart can handle.
unfortunately things can change depending on who youre talking to. if the other person is pro love, all giddity at your good fortune and shedding all the rite light on all the right things, you naturally are more interested and likely to do as told becasue you faith in their envious judgement, they want what you have, so of course you think a little more fondly of the circumstances and it all just sounds so damn appealing now. thus, in the same way, if that perosn is all "hell na" and stank face about it, you withdraw because now youre embarassed that you even took the time to entertain the thought. no one means to be that easily influenced but subconsciously we are all dry sponges waiting for the slightest chance to absorb something, anything just because you want so desperately to believe in something, anything. someone somewhere is reading this like "so trust yourself" my "SELF"?!thats just outlandish! my "self" is at war...
the issue... is that the heart wants what the heart wants. its irrational and void of all good reasoning. when the heart has a longing, a desire, it has to be met or there will forever thereafter be a void. the mind on the other hand is sensible, 2+2=4 and anything else is wrong. weighing the pro's and con's the mind can usually draw clear conclusions. that is until emotion comes into play and common sense is no longer welcome like flies at negro picnics. emotion is like the funny smelling candles that keep bugs aka common sense at bay. heart trumps mind everytime. they do say love conquers all...
im a walking contradiction. i love the idea of love. but i have no real reputable encounters with the complexity of infatuation and all the beautiful there afters.
God has someone for everyone. with that in mind, i woudnt be surprsed if He was less inclined to share the luxury of companionship on those who have already proven themselves to be seemingly ungrateful.
i dnt know love because i dnt know what it looks like.
its not shame, its privacy.
i just used to be so sure...and this uncertainty causes me to question a lot more than i can ever answer.
is there an App for this?

-sigh-smh ....well damn...