if it all ends today

so as we all know theyve made an ubsurd prediction that the Christ will return today at 6:00pm...well being that He is the Alpha and Omega...will He come at 6:06 or 6:11?? im just wondering. now before i get all sentimental let me snap first.

NO ONE WILL KNOW THE DAY OF CHRISTS RETURN, NOT THE DAY THE HOUR THE SEASON. why?! because the point is to live a good life, one worth inheriting the Kingdom without a deadline or due date for the end.

people everywhere are all uber religious today, taking comfort in the same anchor that was ALWAYS THERE! but now someone tells you its all gonna end and you wanna come running home?! thats FAKE if youve ever had faith, ever prayed, then simply maintain. ive found in my walk that He just wants effort, genuine effort. He knew i would fail, tatt my body, and whatever else ive done but ive maintained a relationship, at least ive tried. ive kept the faith. dont try and slap me with the word now if you never praised my God before. but then again maybe thats the point....maybe He has allowed this panic and fear so that those of you who dont know Him will finally seek Him. maybe this is a wake up call that the end will come at some point but in the mean time you better get know Him and praise Him for all things.

now...let me break down. the first few times i heard this prediction i combatted with the Word- no one knows when He will return. then i hit it with logic- who said this? who is this guy? what else did he predict? but now that its today 3.5 hours from 6...im a little antzy...i cant lie.

so here goes...

i am sorry, for any wrong to anyone i have committed. remove the malice from my heart.

i have loved. a genuine and sincere concern for other people. they have been the source of great joy. and i hope they know the impact they have had on my life. and i thank you.

i tried. maybe i dont always succeed or excel at everything but i have given the effort to do good and be good; using the talents i was given for good.

have i fallen short? daily.

ya i have tattoos

ive had sex

i swear

i recently found that i have committed a sin in the thought of someone...i.e. lust. i was dang, we all losin' on that one.

they say no sin is greater than another but i find it hard to believe that rape and murder dont outweigh tattoos and sex. but if they do, forgive me.

i think ive had a pretty good life, fun times, good laughs...so if today is the day i wont dare ask for an extension...forever with You seems pretty awesome.

i thought about saying all those things i should have said but if its not over tonight then ill look like a fool but if it is then maybe it was never meant to be said.

i love you. see ya on the other side??

the ugly -UGLY- TRUTH

Once a hoe always a HOE.
I'm more hurt that my dude is soooo hurt. Like real talk. Rule #1...dnt u EVER make me or qnyone I fux wit for that matter look like a ass. I hate that it even came to this but it is what is. Fuck that girl, she aint she never gon be shyt. Charge it to the game.

its just one of them days...

i was hoping this would bring about more certainty than confusion, and to spite all my pure hopes...im back up this bitchass river -paddleless. like being born ass first, im extremely uncomfortable and terribly embarassed. some things are clear-crystal. others make me shrug and slip into my own quiet counsel. i cnt lie and say i dnt know how i got here, i definitely do. i knew i percisely what i was doing. but i had no intentions of things coming about like this... i can scream it at the top of my lungs alone in my car but i cnt admit the simplest of things even in a whisper, just to you. ive never bn shy, timid, coy but in the ever masculine, towering presence of you i find myself twinkle eyed and giggling. ive said it before and ill say it again, ive never bn in love because me and love have never bn introduced, i wouldnt know the thing because i hav no recollection, no snap shot, for reference. its like searching for a stranger with no description. "where's waldo?" if waldo looked like every other anybody on every other random street. good luck, right.
crossing the river back to the harshest realities. if i added all the weekends in a year, subtracting the ones devoted to work, studies, and family, mutiplied long weekends, skipped classes, and divided all of that by gas and found the square root of us...i'd see that some thingsare in certain places for a reason, and that some problems just dont add up.
idk why i do this to myself.

i never knew

i never knew it was this bad-well i guess i did but im shocked now because its becoming so much worse. he used to be my best friend...i wanted to be just like him when we were kids...he was my epitome of cool.
i see him in my face because we look just alike but when i look into his face i dnt know the man staring me back. empty eyed, he replied "everything is fine" the one of many lies. idk when he took the turn for the worst but its so easy to blame it on his rich white friends, or the white trash he calls friends, none of them are real friends... maybe its his soon to be baby mama, or maybe it was back in high skool when he cracked under the pressure. labeled a failure i think he is just subconsciously playing the role.
he's in way over his head now, doing things we never raised to do. "a sawed off is federal" i told him "a digital scale is federal" i reminded him. but even at his worse i just knew he would turn it around, pull it off and remarkbly become everything he was destined to be, proving everyone wrong we'd high five at his rise to success. that beacon of hope is a flickering candle in increasing winds.
ive prayed for his safety, for his future, for his soul; but im afraid now that they have gone unheard, unanswered. i never knew it would be like this, im sure if had that i may have been able to save him. everyone else has given up on him, wrote him off, and renigged their love-im all he has. turn my back on him? wash my hands of it? how could i do that?! why would i even want to?! i know that its bigger than me, that i cant protect him but im still ALL he has. im his one true friend, his only real love, his final glimpse of agape (google it.) im the last fan, the only cheeleader, the head and assistant coach but its 4 and long im not sure he make it out of this one.
my biggest fear in my life is that theyll call and tell me my brother is dead and thatll be the night i missed his call.

today

Is not the day to ask me how I am.
Is the day I got half way to class and turned around.
Is a day for tom and jerry.
Is not the day for smiles and giggles.
Is not the day to entertain anyone else.
Is not the day to promise any of my time to anything but my bed.
Is the day that today wins, I dnt wanta play, I dnt wanta fight. I quit

so whats up

So definitely hav bn looking forward to sunday for one reason (Jesus of course) but I was expecting a certain arrival. I never wanta feel like things are gonna fall thru but getting your hopes up just leads to a worse let down. And now I'm in church clearly upset and I swear its taking everything in me not to cry. And I hate that feeling, that holding back emotions feeling, that quiet anger sitting inside of you. Dnt ask me how I am, I'm liable to lose my composure. This is so much bullshyt and I'm really trying to be understanding but this damn hard. Its damn near taking everything in me not to get up, walk out, and cry in my car. I dnt get it and I cnt seem to figure out where to even start!

the sad truth

So my friend vivian aka vivo popped up at my door and she immediately falls to pieces. She just found out that a dear friend was found dead. He was 20 yrs old.
You all know how terrified I am death but its not the dying that scares me, its the when, the how, and the then... I know we're all going to die but I just hope that somewhere there's someone who busts in a room and falls to the floor, holding their chest because I'm gone.
So Father, be with the families, with the heavy hearts and show them some mercy in this their time of loss and bereavement.
Amen
XO

wow...

Ya I'm drunk and what?! But I stopped by because I said somethin tonight and it clearly fell on deaf ear, not receive, nor reciprocated. Slick...I'm really hurt. Slick...I'm like what the fuck?! And yes, slick...I give up.
Tossed 'em back for Angie V's bday. 151...is not what's up. African rum...is not what's up. But this smooth ass buzz is on point.
shouts out to the roomie for a real ass convo. Shouts out to the bestfriend, always holdin it down. Oh and to drunk checkin "what's up world mane!?"
Ha ha xo
I'm bout to down this water and hit these sheets
Fuck the dumb shyt, keep yo bullshyt, I'm out!

thats how it is

so its like that?
you know how when you find out some wack ass news youre just like wow...its like that??
i dnt realy feel like summing up all this bullshyt, and i damn sure dnt feel liek crying so ima just say this, close the computer and walk away.
im better than this, because he's not good enough to me. i wnt say good enough for me b/c that sounds snobbish.
he really thought i wouldnt find out? as many ppl as know, as many homies as i have? you thought this one would slip on by...well i know and i think ive always known that it was in him. i just really hate to find out like this.
this is the second time maybe even more that he's made an ass out of me. i fargave it the first time but this time...not this time.
i really wanted to be that kind of girl that would be worth it to you, that would bring that other side out of you but i guess not, i see not.
i dnt know if im even mad, more hurt really, feelin played really. and im sure when i bring it to him, he'll say it was joke or somethin' but that shyt isnt funny.
cheating, someppl would say its like any kind of intimacy (kissing, hugging, etc) i feel like if youve gotten a little carried away at a party or somethin i could forgive that, atmosphere matters, but if youve sat around and texted and talked to ther ppl....na bro. thats not gon fly. thats investing time and emotion, thats getting to know someone, thats giving my QT to someone else and i never give his QT to anyone.
im a dummy, ill admit b/c at times its true. to have thought that this was worht it, to hav turned down so many ppl-good ppl-trying to be better than that to him and i can never get the same back. stupid on my part for benching the squad when he was playin every sport on every team. im not her, this girl that waits on a dude, takes shyt from a dude, or any other of that bullshyt!
so ya, i got more important shyt to do.

shoulda never started

so im in my room because i skipped the gym, but me and philly phil are going tomorrow. so anyway, im in my rm right and im youtubing random videos and i started my country trip. i used love country muzik! like die hard! but then i got on gucci and idk what happened lol. but its the stories i think. country paints such vivid stories. so now im all lovey dovey with no one to love...boooooo this sucks!

how come!

how come i cnt write comments on m bestfriend's blog
how come things just cnt be good
how come when shyt aint got nothin-NOT A THING to do with you, you always end up in it
how come you always come in conversations at the moment when things sound so dirty
how come we cnt have a convo without saying no pun, or hav no sexual innuendos
how come we make plans and they dnt work out
how come this blog is gonna sound really ghetto when i read it back-i already know
how come hoes gotta be so damn trif
how come bitches always jockin yo man
how come there is a surplus of business on sale at walmart but niggas always gotta find a way in yours
how come everyone knows im in memphis?!
how come im writing all of this hella damn quick. like im shockin myself with these fire ass typing skills
how come all of mr all american's friends are infatuated with me?! and blogging! like wtf lol
how come i woke up today with the intentions of going home, rolled over, and decided i just need one more day
how come we cnt be alone! ugh
how come i really want way more tattoos
how come situations always have to arise to just really put you in a funk!
how come hoes gotta hate
how come i dnt inherit beef. i think im allergic, honestly
how come i saw an entire girls basketball team from S.C. at cracker barrel and all of them hoes had on bonnets, chanel earrings, colorful socks, and nike flip flops. not at CRACKER barrell black ppl, come now!!!
how come its already 2009, i clearly remember the millenium scare
how come im in the mood to play guitar hero
how come ppl have to compare. CLEARLY im not her. she aint got shyt on me, she'll never be this fly
how come i always end up in some mess for other ppl and hav no idea how i got there
how come i know something, wanta say something, cnt, and feel really badd
how come if this turns out to be EXACTLY what it has been predicted to be...this could be....uhm ya pretty damn bad
how come females wanta jack?! sweetheart thats not cute, i promise its not.
how come im considering deleting my facebook and staying low key
how come i look like a slave! this shyt is no bueno!
how come i have all these damn questions and not one-NOT ONE MUTHAFUCKIN- scratch that!-not the slightest inkling of an answer.
2k9 has got to go up from here and its not even that its all that bad but i really need to be making major moves.

a change

ive been feeling so stagnant again, trapped in my current state, unable to physically change my environment and/or circumstance...so instead i changed my blog. thats really sad in way. here, i am the master of this domain, i can say what i mean even when im to afraid to mean what i say. i can weave a new fantasy far more enjoyable then this dry ass reality. i can be two steps ahead of the game and never roll the dice. there's no gamble here, i set the stakes. there's no consequence or repercussion and that makes me feel risky. im too scared to pull some ass out stunt with my real life so i grew a pair of hair balls so i could be bold as fuck on here. dnt get it wrong i keep it 100 regardless, im no liar, but here on this page i run this shyt and yall cnt tell me nothin.

i would just break down and cry

my bestfriend might be the strongest person i knw. after the week he's had and he's still just like "ill make some adjustments and ill be fine. no hugs and shyt ill handle it" kinda attitude like i would just break down and cry. i cnt handle back ta back fuckery like that. some ppl would call that weak, muthafuck that. im just emotional about my life, sorry.

i really dnt get why the worst things happen to the best ppl. that just really isnt fair and it always seems that the worst niggas hav the best luck-like wtf?! thats some bonafide bullshyt. i honestly understand why he has a semi pessimistic outlook, its because this life is full of bullshyt. and it doesnt matter how many times you throw in the towel, youll just wind up with another one in your hand, and even when you wanta just drown in tha pool f misery, right there at the bottom of despair you always seem to drift to the shore wash up on the bank and take a breath. there's no quitting til it all really is over. and while i do have a shuttering fear of death sometimes it has its appeal. 

i just feel so bad for him, like i wanta go buy him a car and a few shots....

so God, cut a lil slack and show some mercy, he's a good kidd.

i read your blog

and you stole the words right out of my mouth.

ive been feeling so stuck in my current state. ive been doing very well overall but as far as I go im just feeling very stagnant, in a constant funk, and slick over most common day bullshyt.

the thing is:

i cnt stand staying on campus, i feel like i never leave my day behind because i live with this bullshyt on the regular. i gotta get outta this place. i need to lie my head down at night and know that i left the day alone and it didnt follow me to my dorm room. (yes, bestfriend you can hav a drawer lol)

i been fighting these urges, and toying with the ideas of some things that may or may not be a good idea and while i havnt reached any conclusions or made any substantial progress i think ill just let go and let God...

i dnt feel like being bothered. a lot of things and ppl hav become much less of a joy and much more of a chore. i almost hav to force myself to be all chipper some times.

i do such a damn good job of keeping a sound front i almost convince myself that most, if not all the things going on are just ok

i thought he was gonna die and now that he's doing so much better i feel such a weight lifted,im reassured, and im so grateful

i really miss my daddi...

i would rather sit around and play the bass than sit around look at pointless ppl's faces

im doing the best i can, but i cnt lie...some days i just wanta stay under the covers make a little hole so i can breathe and imagine dreams to dream, dream them, wake up, and do it again.

ya, everyday is a gift and i am more than appreciative for every second of every day but this life is a battle and while its full of beauty and love and all that jazz its a struggle and some days i cnt muster the front to face the fuckery.

i just wanta be happy. i wanta be the person i see so vividly in my potential, i want do and be everything i said i would. i wanta smile more and worry less. i wanta hug more and shrug less. i wanta be more and dream less.

the thing is...its all so damn hard. and everybody swears they know but nobody knows and im determined to figure it all out.

you love me...

because i first loved you. and now that youve realized what i should have meant to you a year ago you wanta love me and expect me to truly still love you. if ive ever loved somebody i cnt just let that go ill always have love for you in some way but the idea of loving you is too much of a risk and im sorry but you scare me, youve always scared me. not like intimidation but more so that it was all too strong. and after the bogus shyt you pulled-oh that shyt was green -i cnt just act like thats ok with me. i care for you i do, but distance takes its toll and we're cities a part. and ya, we can call everyday 3 times a dayand textour way through classes but can never touch you when youre sad, we can never hug when we greet, ill never be able to lie my head in your chest at night and wake up in your arms in the morning, and you can never pull me back when i try to walk away. there's a lot of things i wish and i could list them all and get my hopes up and let you say all the right things so subconsciously i think of being yours or i could just let it all go and come to the conclusion that us is not gonna be this fairytale that we've both vividly weaved in our imagination becasue we're too far a part to make anything concrete. so do you still love me?

♥

forever?! ...let me not tell on myself

so im sitting talking to the lovely Le about you guessed it...BOIZ! a girls fav past times! lol
so this is what was covered...
i slick forgot...
ok, wait for me.....
ok here we go!
dating at this age is definitely when ppl meet "that" person...like wtf?!
and ya im hopelessly romantic but that most def ruins my hope of the hotty in the grocery store...damn!
i like boiz that are slick outta my "league" (i really dnt limit myself like that but we all hav leagues just be real) so a man that is on his shyt, is very attractive. if youre swag is thru the roof it just makes me wanta step my game up. i like a challenge.
marriage-bump bump buuuuuummmppp!!! the "M" word lmaoso i would like to get married play house all that but i really cnt see when ima hav time for that.
kids i want some but i really dnt know when ima hav time for that.
and of course we talked about sex...oh yes, sex lmao.
niggas in suits will get the business. there's nothing more sensual thing than slipping off ties and undoing all the buttons of a dress shirt. ya, i said it.
late nights, if im sleepy, i get touchy feely-dnt try me, ill try you back.
im hella tricklish, and very sensitive to touch.
let me stop...
we clearly discussed a hell of a lot more than this but im not about to tell on myself
xo

i think...

im about to cry and im not exactly sure why.
i just read Dori's blog-laughed my ass off! thank you Dori...
but she had this little prayer at the end for all of traveling and it slick touched me in the most elementary way i just wanta say "thank you" all of you. sometimes i think that God always a smile for me, in spite of my many flaws (i was about to list a few but i would need 2 blogs, a nap, and a snack) but he just keeps blessing me. and i think that honestly he should probably smite me, i can do some terrible things at times and i dnt listen to the good judgement He's given me and i dnt nearly deserve the good grace ive been shown. so "thank you. for loving me when i dnt even love myself at times" i guess that goes to my friends as well, because we've had some really good convo's since we've all split for break. (idk what we're gonna for Christmas! like oh-eme-gee this is gonna be no bueno) but i thiank them as well for always standing my me my little go babis whoot whoot for a smile and a kind word for all those hugs and countless giggles. Bless them please God, bless them indeed.
Dorian has a song on her page, i suggest you all go listen and read along. actually read it first and then listen its makes it even better. i think its gonna be my new theme songs. its deep.
and then, yes again from dori's, im reading the new love interest (draw a question mark in the air-shrug-"burf?!") but ive realized in light of recent events that have and are transpiring that im taking back a lot of what ive said before back and this time it'll be different because i wanta make some things work. and yes im stubborn and i shout and ill cut you out (i swear and i spit -so not cute,sorry) and im always in such a hurry to be everywhere with everybody and do everything but there's something in him that says take your time love, there's no need to rush its your life sweetheart. i just wish i knew some of what he feel, not necessarily about me, but about everything. ppl give their own variations of "him"...i want to form my own opinions, 'cause i saw somebody on the couch in the heat of the summer and again in the drunken early morning air and i dnt think he's the same person sitting on his car or high stepping every weekend.
the heart and the mind are very ridiculous organs, forever interlocked, and continuously at battle. im convincing my self of somethings only to feel something different. damn.

so ive decided....

to drop my geo class...we all know i DESPISE that class as is and i really lack the focus, drive, and book for that class, so to save my otherwise great GPA im dropping it. ill still be full time and fully acceptable ill just be a hell of a lot stressed and annoyed! sorry walt-p, youre on your own kiddo....i just cnt hang. call me a quitter, na scratch that, im not a quitter but i know im better than what that class has received from me so ill do it again with a better mindset and all the materials. so til then GEOGRAPHY CAN KISS MY DONK! yall thought i was gonna curse-woo'ed ya!
ive also decided to run away for fall break. ill be back when im back. ;-)

aight i got homework
deuces.

with that said...

ok so since i posted the last blog, a little glimpse into the average male mouth, i thought it would be appropriate to account for the female mind. now, before i just rip this let me say

i am not the average female. im not inclined to a lot of crying, nagging, and whooplah. im very passionate and yes rather emotional but if you leave me to my emotions i can get over it and let it go.

thats my disclaimer. im writing this on behalf of the average woman so that you, nigga, might know what we think.

you think logically we think emotionally. if it hurts our feelings or leaves us in a feeling of unrest we tend to dwell on it. we dnt mean to nag but we need resolution and until we find peace of mind no one will find peace of mind.

we dnt mean to be this emotional but we cnt help it, we're women. and once the emotions top off we cry. lets talk about crying, there are several different cries, stay with me here. the "infront of yo dude cry" this has a few little tears, a lot of sniffling, some careful-dnt-smudge-the-eyeliner- eye wipes and in some way or form, "i just dnt understand". "the angry cry" this one has a lot of cursing, huffing and puffing, and in some way or so many words "omg i hate crying over his ass!" the "honest cry" when youve actually done something wrong to upset us and our heart hurts and we cry. involves a lot of tissues because we were prepared, a sad movie, and a pillow to hold and of course "idk why i ever loved him". "THE cry" this is the oh shyt real for real cry. the cry when you cnt do anything but cry and cry hard. when youve tried for a long time to hold it back and work it out. this one is a doozie...deep cries, coughing, snot. this is an ugly cry that i-dnt-give-a-fuck-ima-cry cry, trust its all bad quote, "oh God". if you can get us to that cry youve fucked up.

now when youve fucked up and we get togther...oh baby, when we get together. this is some men bashing! some slash some tires, fuck that nigga! this is how cars get messed up, eggs get thrown, and feelings get hurt. fyi, a few women in a room, talking about guys, and especially if one or more is at all upset is called a RIOT! hence "backbone" (www.simplyeccentricity.blogspot.com read at your own risk)

we over analyze and deeply scrutinize. whatever you say. we can add so much more to every word you say. you say "ill call you back in 20 min" we say "the hell is he doing that take 20 minutes?! this nigga spittin game ta some hoe or some bullshyt! fuck his ass". you say "i dnt wanta talk about it" (as in there's nothing more to say lets not fight about the same shyt) we heard shut the fuck up stop stop naggin me bout the same shyt we been done discussed. you say "i dnt feel like pleasing anybody today" (as in, im tired. ive been doing so much for everybody else i just want some me time) we hear i dnt give a fuck what you want ima do me. ladies, ladies, ladies stop nit picking them, they didnt mean nearly the way we took it.

so men, i think, maybe just a little bit, i get it now. the simpicity behind guys is enormous and the complexity, which is women, is a never ending journey, with loop hole, pot holes, sink holes, quick sand. like trust me, we can be a trip! pack for the journey... i dnt mean to scare you but realize this. now, when you meet the one (echo the one-one-one) yall will fit, compliment each other, and things will be slightly less complex because off both of you will be willing to let go of your ways to stick it out. but until you find her or he finds you...this shyt can be a trip.

keep up or keep it moving

the scramble. so much to do and so many places to be. youll never be able to make more, in fact, your losing it now...move. so keep the most important things first, at the top of the to do list because if the sun set and you havent crossed her off your list then youve fucked up. last is the worst and first is too much pressure so where does she compare to the rest of your responsibilities, your promises, your commitments, where is she when all the pieces get moved, is she the last one standing...but the sun is setting and its steady moving. youll never be able to make more, in fact your losing it now...

she knows you better than you know yourself. so turning around now is just a waste. she doesnt wanta get to know anybody else, she already knows the right one. and then youll say the rudest 4 words in the english language "we need to talk". thats rubbing salt in her wound. how long do you really expect her to run up a downward escalator before she gives into the powerful current. strenuous. its all a race, a losing race, a failed attempt.

you lose.

time will always move on, live for the now with the ppl who matter. life may not always permit the leisures we long for, but if it matters you'd pencil her in. dnt let it all pass you by while your begging for another hour in the day to fit in all these silly things that will never satisfy you, not like she will.

this one isnt really for me as much as it is for her. the "her" in every situation that gets put on the back burner while you go about your relative happiness and crush her feelings. did you lead her on? well you built her hopes...

take time to realize.

this is time, these are the moments that will in every way build the collage of this life. this is time, set and steady. its slipping through your fingers and youll never be able to grab hold because youll still be running up a downward escalator. dnt fight the current, youll lose. just like you just lost her.