i finally understand

so on my lunch break if i dnt runaway for a moment of freedom ill stay in and eat at my desk. B-O-R-I-N-G. but since ive decided to lie and come in all week at 8 i think i should stay in and actualy work...ha! so anyway, whenever i do stay in or when i find time i read some blogs, surf the world, and listen to muzik. so there is a blog i follow by a kid named E Dot Dizzy and his blog is definitely one of my fav's. this nigga keeps it so 100. so i read a post today that lit several light bulbs above my noggin. "Men and Cheating...simple..." here's the exert that made the wheels turn:

"When it comes to men, we don't incorporate feelings with sex. Never have... So if a man goes and sleeps with another woman, he don't love her, he probably just wanted attention. Some men drift off when things change. Things like appearance and attitudes. When a woman gain a few extra pounds and act like she doesn't notices or if she just keep a dumb ass attitude and don't care to fix the problem she obviously has... That will push a man away and he will start to seek the attention he think he deserves. Not right but its true. Women incorporate feelings with sex, well most of em, so when a man finds out that his woman cheated he is realllllllly hurt because he feel she fell in love with another man. If women would just understand that. If your man is buying another woman gifts and taking her on trips AND fucking then you should be mad. Well if he fuck another woman you can be mad and leave too, I'm not trying to justify cheating. Just giving it a better understanding to some folks"

http://edotdizzy.blogspot.com/

ok now before i start, let me explain. in my opinion, i could almost forgive a physical infidelity before any kind of convo and time investment because thats MY time youre giving away. and to cover that much time means youd have to lie to me. and lying s a direct insult to my superior intelligence! while ive never bn cheated on...well at least i dnt THINK i have...-head tilts-, damn...but ok here we go!

its about attention!!! ooooohhhhh *ligh bulb* -creaky wheels turn- ooooooohhhh attention {head knodding, eyebrows raised} i see now. no really, i see.... when i first read this i was like so since i didnt feed yo ego you wanta start buggin?! dumbass, you should know youre great! but why even get mad because thats PRECISELY what it is... It doesnt matter how old or mature a man gets he will always be a simple minded little boy (no diss) im actually jealous, because theyre simple, they lack all the complexity of women and our intricate logic. if we could stop over analyzing every thing he may do, trying to find rhyme to his reason, and method to his madness we'd see that he's simply acting out. (talkin bout other girls that want him, letting you over see some "suggestive" text, or including you on a list with a bunch of random numbers, talkin bout how good he can pipe "blah blah blah" some dumb shyt; just so youll get mad and show him some attention)

i cnt speak for anyone else, male or female, but i am very focused, driven, and independent. i would never say i dnt need a man because there are somethings money, power, and degrees cnt do at night, hell in the daytime. ive bn raised to be my own number one fan, even tho i have a great fan club in my family i do this (everything) for me. so naturally i assume that those around me hold themselves in the same esteem as i do myself. not true, especially for men. even the cockiest of men need to hear that theyre wonderful, that theyre strong, capable, and sexy. just as much as we like to be put on a pedastal so do they. and if you forget to pat his back and stroke that ego beware there are several other women waiting to cheer him on. im really not one to kiss ass, unless youre a professor lol, but sometimes for the sake of harmony and happiness you do whats necessary. i have never heard it explained that way and i really think that me a mr dizzy need to colabo on a book cause that negro is deep. or maybe he's shallow and the fact that we have to think so hard to grasp the simplest of concepts prevents us from being able to see things for what they are.

being understanding

when ppl come at you on some real talk-listen. dnt try to contest everything that they say. especially if yall ae friends. for me, friendship is sacred. my family is at home in st. louis so my frineds in nashville and elsewhere become as precious as family to me. im not going to say what happened or the conversation but i wanted to give my audiebce some advice: there are things you do that drive ppl crazy, piss ppl off, or simply go misunderstood. when a loved one comes at you with an issue over something, take a second and hear them out so that if possible it can be addressed, corrected, and both of you can remain friends/family. its when we become defensive that we look guilty. if youve not knowingly done any wrong then allow yourself to receive some constructive criticism. there's always room for growth and improvement.

-xo-

all the things you didnt say

this cam eup a while back with me and the infamous reesey pooh about the fact that if you (whoever the "you" in your life is) if they dnt say the things you like to hear,i guarantee someone else will.
it honestly really upsets my heart that i still default to the faults of a past "you" but it is what is.
point= i got a infamous facebook chat form someone rather random but he is actually a really sweet guy and he says, "excuse me sweetheart but i find u gorgeous as all hell i would greatly appreciate your conversation" no im not for the formality of cliche approaches but it always feels good to hear that youre still desirable.
so i gave a white lied and said i had a bf just to get out of it lol but hey apparently im still hott.
but the fact is "you" never said those things and even now that i have a new "What It Do" or two lol na but this "you" says all the right things and i damn near dnt know how to handle it. its terrible to think that i dnt even kno how to feel when im being treated right. like when did i get this abused that good doesnt even get received like it should.

oohh! surprise surprise! you thought ya knew hoe was gon hold ya down...WRONG! she already tried to holla at my What It Do! silly boi, you thought you was gone one up this?! that cnt be done.

the greatest thing you could ever learn...

is just to love and be loved in return.

the greatest thing you could ever learn...

is just to love and be loved in return.

you can hav him

Alicia
April 28 at 8:09pm
I'm not trying to take him from you..just in case that is what you're thinking.

So i get thi message today and ya i was certified pissed. No, not because anyone should ever feel like they could take something i claim, girl please, but because she contacted me. I dnt like girls simply for stupid shyt like this. i wanta know how long she entertained the idea of shooting me message. so i turn it over to Mr All American. ya i havnt mentioned him in a while and i wnt be. but he's all dnt worry bout it she just lettin you know. she has no place to inform me of shyt. just let her ass know this, "she can have you."

xo

ps i really dnt appreciate when i discuss thinigs in private and someone feels the need to run back. snitches get stitches...
niggas cnt hold water now a days. damn.

drawing conclusions

I've made up my mind. No more thinking it over. I'm pretty sure I've always known, pretty sure I wasn't thinking about it as much as I was trying to change my own mind and convince myself of something that wasn't it. So what's up? I'm up. My baby sister called me all torn up and asked me "how do you fall out of love?" "Stand up" its always easier said than done but its just that simple. As much as it hurts you hav to stand up and keep going. Shyt happens, wipe and move on. Its been real but you've made up your mind and I've always known what it was. I gotta stand up again.I was talkin my roomie eric kelly and he's always got the simplest and pure insight. Been there done that, that's more than enough said.thanks hotty.
Today is gonna be a good day. I'm claiming it. This whole week, I am determined to hav a great week. Ima go ape shyt! Its alpha week 2K9 its so COLD out here!! Lol
XO is remembering how to love myself because He loves me inspite of.

because it matters

Life lesson number 597643157 keep it btwn me and you. Outside opions and thoughts hav no place in something that was meant for 2 ppl. You cnt listen to everybody b/c consciously or subconsciously you're taking some of it to heart. Trust yourself and your judgement.

I'm sorry.

Like lesson 597984618 put yourself in their shoes. Something you may think is harmless could be hurting or upsetting someone else. Be open enough to see if from his point of view so that the necessary adjustments can be made.

I'm sorry.

XO

thinking

(all of these you's are different ppl. so if "you" arent mentioned oh well or if "you" are dnt get mad)

think of you are you thinking of me
thinking of the things i want the things i need, but is in the someone i think
thinking that you failed today
thinkinking that i cried today
thinking you needed a good shake today
i was thinking i was thru over it and done
thinking got me stunk and im not sure where to turn
thinking of the good thinking of the bad
think in general has me terribly sad
thinking if where i am is where i wanta be
thinking of you are you thinking of me

so im clearly at a crossroads. you can say your over something, done, etc all day but its clearly not that easy, not after everything ive invested. i think- i know- where i wanta be and i think you have no idea how much you mean.

when i dnt know what to say

he told me dnt say anything at all. but I know what to say, I just cnt find the big hairy balls to say it. I get myself in these predicaments and then I get this feeling that I'm running up a downward escalator again. like I'm fightong the wind. talking to a wall. I know, you know. it could all be so simple. and when everyone sees it, why cnt you? there's a lot of things I can do, being unappreciated, overlooked, and taken for granted isn't one of them.
I know what was said wasn't meant to come out the way it did but it did come out and it cnt just go back in. so I seek wise counsel. one says its my fault for firing all my employees, that no one ever throws away everything when there's still room for doubt. one says the gray area is to blame. one says I cnt judge everyone by the same stabdard. so if my critical standards are too harsh, I apologize but I know what I deserve. I fired my employees because they couldn't handle the job. nothing is cut and dry, black and white, or this and that so tell me what the hell I'm doing here...
this isn't about thing, this isn't about one convo, this is a span of time and a collection of confusion. this being mislead, misunderstanding something, reaching, grasping, failing, releasing, this is about me and no one. that's as simple as I can put it.

let this be known

life is black and white. there is no gray area, gray areas only represent confusion. i have no room for any more confusion. with that said let me say this. if you wanta mess with/ sleep with/ talk and associate with other ppl, you wnt be associating with me. we all know very well that im very selfish but i just cnt share, not you-ill be damned. i dnt ride shared dick. sorry, thats as blunt as i can be. i respect your wishes but clarify, is it you and me or us and other ppl? thats called gray area. and let this be known, i dnt need a title, i dnt wanta be mrs anything, im in no rush for all that pressure, labels, and bullshyt. also, im not her, youre not him, we are not them. lets just leave all of that where it is-far far away from us. back to the gray, i cnt do the confusion. if you wanta do all this, that, and them just say that. you got yours, i know you do, and as much as it makes me sick i know its true, i know theyre there.... and i dnt wanta whine but this matters to me. everybody wants somebody around to just shoot the muthafuckin breeze. missing gets old, and talking only satisfies so much. ugh... i dnt drive across this state for the damn scenery. and really i dnt do that for anyone, like just honestly, count the miles, cross the rivers, i do that for you. would you do that for me? i've tried, and i cnt help it but i find myself questioning things and i wanta trust you, you say i can, i think i can so tell me better yet show me that youre trustworthy. the miles serve a purpose, distance forces us to believe the words but distance shelters the secrets. maybe i'd feel better if it all wasnt so gray. maybe i need to stop drinking and thinking lol or maybe i need you to just be real and tell me where i stand, what i mean, and that this-whatever we're calling it-that it matters. i benched the squad, dnt make an ass of me for wanting to believe you. some ppl say its not good pimping, benching the team, but i dnt wanta play the games. i hung up my nikes long ago so tell me whats the deal...?

xo, i hope.

realizing what matters

so I'm not an argumentative person at all. but if you buggin ill geek back, and its when you fuss a little you can find out who cares.
as well as when something goes wrong, see who ppl turn to and you'll discover where someone seekds their comfortt and finds peace.
that was just a little somethin that's been happening lately so I thought I'd put you on game.

hesitating

so i hav yet to write the blog about my first week back, the great new person i met, the road trip to DC that almost killed us! or any of the other things ive scratched into a word document and saved in my phone...idk im just feeling some hesitation. like there's something i know i wanta say but to actually put it into words would mean i would have to really admit it to myself and not just let it be a passing thought that brings a smile or quick realization that makes me shutter.
expectations...ive said it before, ill say it again. expectations will get you fucked up everytime! idk why i know this and cnt seem to apply it to my own life.
ive realized somethings about some ppl that i really find as major flaws. and while it saddens me to an extent i think i already knew all along.
i hav and will continue to form my own opinion of some ppl. just becasue "so and so" doesnt like "whats her name" doesn tmean i have to too...so im not.
my bestfriend is the truth. it takes about 10 hours to get from nashville to our location on the edge of DC, after terrible weather and some 3 hours of a stand still in traffic, like no bull STAND STILL cut yo car off and sit traffic it took us 15 hours. neaither one of us slept! he's a beast and i love him for it.

i just have somethings i need to come to terms with on my end before i tell the world my many many issues......

not going back

the last time I felt like this I ended up at the lake. I refuse, hands down re-fucking-fuse, to feel like this. I'm done allowing the actions of some to completely effect me. I'm better than this, all of this adversity and bullshyt, all this nonsense and fuckism, is going to be channeled into something positive. I'm not sure what but its going to be something, anything, other than tears, frustration, and anger.
shouts out ta the truest of the true, I dnt know where i'd be without yall...
xo

a change

ive been feeling so stagnant again, trapped in my current state, unable to physically change my environment and/or circumstance...so instead i changed my blog. thats really sad in way. here, i am the master of this domain, i can say what i mean even when im to afraid to mean what i say. i can weave a new fantasy far more enjoyable then this dry ass reality. i can be two steps ahead of the game and never roll the dice. there's no gamble here, i set the stakes. there's no consequence or repercussion and that makes me feel risky. im too scared to pull some ass out stunt with my real life so i grew a pair of hair balls so i could be bold as fuck on here. dnt get it wrong i keep it 100 regardless, im no liar, but here on this page i run this shyt and yall cnt tell me nothin.

chatting with mica crayton

so in a rather fantastic convo with Mica i hav come to a conclusion that i hav long ago concluded but the way she spit it let me know that she's right. i wnt say what was discussed but i will say it was worthwhile.

ok since i hav your attention i would like to use this time to say that you, all of you, are failing! this rapid increase in boo'ing is fake! dori how dare you?! you bet not leave me. so yes im being spiteful and jealous but i wanta be boo'ed up too! =( "im all alone there's no one here beside me" and some of you will be saying what about "so and so" ya, what about him?..
hey! ive got a grand idea lets make some code names for these handful of individuals
ok so we have...
1- mr. man=yes from the summer. he rapidly became my fav and now we're back to strangers, mere facebook friends. passing hello's and random pointless texts. i kinda miss that kidd tho.
2- mr all american=from freshman year. now that he's off to another skool, i cnt be what he wants but i do care for him and i want him in my life. but this whole where is carmen sand diego deal gets old and frustrating! heart him tho, cnt help it...my piggy :)
3- mr wonderful-i say that with the slightest sarcasm. but he kinda just showed up one day and ya, he is textbook awesome, but being that he's got the golden opportunity to be gone for a semester...i dnt wanta get attached. and honestly, we lack that spark, and i go on instant connections. and while i definitely enjoy his company i dnt get that tickle like when mr man would walk into the room, and i dnt always smile at the thought of us like i do for mr all american.
4- just for the rumors...the bestfriend= yes, we're still just friends-never done anything. but while everyone keeps toying with this idea of an "us" ill say this much. he's my bestfriend. and sure we probably would make a great pair, its just not worth it to risk our friendship because he really truly is my best friend and i need him to play that role no one else can do it like im (no pun/all pun). but for the record, were getting married 4 kids (a reggie III so we can call him Trip! twins and another child) and a dog. ya, we're officially promised lmao! we come up with some funny stories.

so ya vivian is drunk, rather hilarious .:awk-turtle:.
ima go to bed now...

goodnight all
xo out this bit!

tell me what went wrong...

when the signals got crossed and we got lost.

i really whole heartedly want you to know, sir, that i am not mad. i am slightly disappointed, i will say that. and ill also say this, if you wanta know if im mad....ask me. i do a damn good job of keeping most things to myself so very few ppl would actually know if i had any type feelings on any situation that i deem to be personal. dig? things happen, ppl drift a part. but please dnt say that i didnt try to fight for you at all. i can only fight for someone who is willing to be won. thus, if im feeling like youre not even trying, why would i fight? it seemed so one sided at times and ive never, i repeat NEVER, been the type to chase after a guy. and if i didnt hit you up i wouldnt have heard from you. if i like you, if i want you, you'd know. you knew. i was willing to help you through whatever issues you had faced with she who shall remain nameless (i see her f'in EVERYWHERE and she looks at me like im f'in crazy) but anywho i really feel like, if i was worth anything to you, you woulda made an effort to make time, to call, to let me know that "ya im busy but i stil want you around". i do believe i hav said before in a post that i will only stick my hand out to help you, break my neck to stand by you once, because if you smack my hand away i will be less than inclined to reach out for you again. i miss you, i will say that. we used to be really cool, and now that we're damn near strangers i hate to feel like ive wasted my time, so have i? did i waste my time? aimless invest my time? well... ive been sitting here looking at the cursor blink trying to figure out what it is im really trying to say for like 4 minutes and i guess im done...and if you werent so hott i would be less inclined to smile when i see you lol. but really, honestly, we're cool. i just wish you woulda came to me before we dwindled back to just you and me, before the signals got crossed and we got lost...

well damn...

everybody is changing their blog layout. i actually really like my simple little layout, it lets me play with font color and i like the organization of it...ya so i said that to just leave it the way it was. change if ya wanta, i dig consistency. (draw an "!" in the air-spirit fingers) ya dig that?

well...since i have you, we (just random ass/lame ass ppl) were downstairs talking about politics and the nation and i slick surprised the shyt-scratch that i amazed myself with all of the knowledge i have, the insight and info i possess. man i dnt care what yall say my scratch thats are improving my vernacular. "vernacular" i rest my case.

semi point.blank.period.
there was a hotty in the lobby, satying with cousin. -!-
i really miss my kiddos...no bueno
i put some shea butter on my lips someone should partake of this supple smoothness
i missed a spot shaving ha!
im cold
im SMART not like just smart knowing some random facts-like im intelligent and well versed in current events. go me! who doesnt love a smart girl
let the "face down" commence in 5-4-wait! let me cut off the light.............3-2-1!
-xo-

i think...

im about to cry and im not exactly sure why.
i just read Dori's blog-laughed my ass off! thank you Dori...
but she had this little prayer at the end for all of traveling and it slick touched me in the most elementary way i just wanta say "thank you" all of you. sometimes i think that God always a smile for me, in spite of my many flaws (i was about to list a few but i would need 2 blogs, a nap, and a snack) but he just keeps blessing me. and i think that honestly he should probably smite me, i can do some terrible things at times and i dnt listen to the good judgement He's given me and i dnt nearly deserve the good grace ive been shown. so "thank you. for loving me when i dnt even love myself at times" i guess that goes to my friends as well, because we've had some really good convo's since we've all split for break. (idk what we're gonna for Christmas! like oh-eme-gee this is gonna be no bueno) but i thiank them as well for always standing my me my little go babis whoot whoot for a smile and a kind word for all those hugs and countless giggles. Bless them please God, bless them indeed.
Dorian has a song on her page, i suggest you all go listen and read along. actually read it first and then listen its makes it even better. i think its gonna be my new theme songs. its deep.
and then, yes again from dori's, im reading the new love interest (draw a question mark in the air-shrug-"burf?!") but ive realized in light of recent events that have and are transpiring that im taking back a lot of what ive said before back and this time it'll be different because i wanta make some things work. and yes im stubborn and i shout and ill cut you out (i swear and i spit -so not cute,sorry) and im always in such a hurry to be everywhere with everybody and do everything but there's something in him that says take your time love, there's no need to rush its your life sweetheart. i just wish i knew some of what he feel, not necessarily about me, but about everything. ppl give their own variations of "him"...i want to form my own opinions, 'cause i saw somebody on the couch in the heat of the summer and again in the drunken early morning air and i dnt think he's the same person sitting on his car or high stepping every weekend.
the heart and the mind are very ridiculous organs, forever interlocked, and continuously at battle. im convincing my self of somethings only to feel something different. damn.

the irony

daily, probably more than once a day, i check our blogs (Dori, Le, Frankie, and The Crayonz) and it appeared to me this reoccurring theme of half ass saying whats on our mind and how we feel. im not saying we hold back or water down the truth, but in light of recent events ive noticed that we dnt say names, we semi walk around the major issues, and a lot of the time we dnt even say it. is it because we're afraid of what ppl would say? our own repercussions for admitting the truth? are we shy? ashamed? i think some of it is about propriety, you cnt just say what ever walks into your head, a lot ppl wouldnt like me anymore... oh well. there is a shyt load of stuff to say in my head and i never do, i think thats true for all of us. this interests me because we all agreed that these blogs are personal property and that whomever should so read it cnt actually be offended. i guess im saying all that to say this...these blogs will never truly be ours. we have published our souls in a sense, releasing it to the public for analysis, criticism, and rebuke. and i gotta admit sometimes when random ppl bring up this blog i feel like im naked in front of a crowd. its a rush tho, to know i just said that to the world, THE WORLD! like anyone who googles me or anything close enough to me will find this, find me, uncensored and honest. wow....thats kinda got me buggin. but really,the majority of "worth while" posts are the effects of other ppl, the sweet things theyve said, the heartache for the things they didnt or even did, whatever they do that effects us we capture the moment and post it for the world. thus, they kind of become the property of those who have given us some mild revelation. thats slick bogus. i think ima start writing in my blog. i used to be a rather talented writer idk if i still have it tho. we'll see i guess. the irony, i write almost every day, but i have yet to really write. as if to say i am alive every day but ive yet to live. i started this blog for me, but ive pretty much dedicated it to you. as if to say im handing you me via email. we all have, in some way, shape, or form, dedicated our blogs, for the most part, to the memorial of one person, their events, our thoughts of them, and their screw up's and ours. i guess we all have our mr. monotony in a way. i just kinda wonder when will all of this, all the silly things we write, all the vivid imagery we weave, when will we wrap in the blanket? when do we stop existing and live? when do we stop writing and finally read the book? i guess there are still chapters to develop, still moments to capture, still blogs to post...