trying to be mature about this

you know how when you know things are whinding to an end its still really different from things ending. even when things were wack i cnt say that i didnt still wanta be in this. i gave it all i had to give so i guess there's nothing left. its been real. that sounds so cliche but its been real. really though, youre not the same person i met so long ago, its a good change, but a very hard change. i hope this is better for you though, just you.

xo
M&M

be careful what you ask for

ok. -sigh- idk what it is im even trying to say...
and honestly i think its best to keep this to myself, to us...so ima just say this because these are the things running around in my head

it all used to be so simple, and i want it to stay the same

a path will clear

boundaries, expectations

labels

levels

distance and time

spring, summer, and fall

if youve been through something its your obligation to offer that in advice

over a year

and im pretty sure that made no sense but i probably wouldnt have been able to sleep if i didnt say some of this aloud/on board

giggle

i just read dorian's blog and i was crackin up. jackie is notorious for disregarding mapquest diretions. ill be like ok go down bell rd to old hickory. this nigga gon say "oh i know where such and such is, we'll just start from there..." and when we get there and its not the "there" she thought it was she looks to me like "ooohhh maya...you messed us up!" ya uhuh sure i did...

ok but i hav a list of things to say:

i have come to the sad realization that there is really no point in having a big bed if youre in it all alone...me and walt discussed how lonely our big beds are and while he has someone to miss im definitely just sleeping with a shyt load of pillows. but this nigga took it too far...tell me why walter parker jr has a BLACK LIGHT in his room...yo freak nasty ass!

im driving to church this morning and this car pulls up next to me and the man looks just like an older eric kelly! and he was hott!!! i was like man i wish dorian was here for this

the last few times ive grabbed something to eat ive had to apply ample salt...maybe i just miss the bestfriend but food just seems so bland...

man, i saw the flyest little asian lady ever! she had on this fresh ass white bubble vest and she was walking down the street bumpin her ipod and sippin her starbucks and i just started crackin up 'cause i could just imagine her boppin along to "i was raised in the projects-projects" i would die of laughter.

so we're remodeling still right, so i decided to pain the cabinets for my bathroom. and i think ima change my major to carpentry with a focus in semi gloss latex paints...that was until my phone rang and i couldnt touch it for all the paint and after a while it really got on my nerves and i washed my hands like a surgeon and it made me miss dorian and im defnitely sticking to history, far less messy

so im at church today right and please explain to me why it sounds like 808's in this hoe!
"enlarge me territpry" (BOOOOM) i mean you could feel it in your chest! and all the young ppl sit up in the balcony and we all lookin at each other like wtf?! man too funny

ok the checkin convo:
so this is me and mr all american and we talkin bout wrestlin and im like
"bring it"
-"its already bn broughten (sp? lol)"
"yo ol signed sealed delivered lookin ass"
-"wassup mane, sasha firce buckethead ass nigga. whassup!"
"yo ol' i ♥ beyonce tshirt wearin, deluxe edition cd lookin ass. nah, wassup mane"
-"wasup sos pad head ass nigga wassup"
"whassup ol chocolate covered snow man nigga!"
-"yo no slope bridge nose havin ass girl. you look like you eat krystals all day! whassup"
"yo black hole lookin ass. you look like you collect crazy straws and google zebras all day!"
-"maya, i will powerbomb yo pretty ass"
"boom shakalaka!"
-"my mama said hi"
"hi! man, im scared if her"
-"she'll chop you in yo neck!"
"ugh! something is wrong with you"
-"aint nothin wrong with me. dumdum dillio"
"what the hell?! dumdum dillio...i rest my case"
-"its all luv redwood moose camel goat"
"fuck you piggy monkey ox box cutter ass"

i do believe....I WON!

oh news flash........................treo will no longer let me speak into him....so if you call and hear absolutely nothing, trust im talking-hell im yelling but he's decided to go mute on my ass...so damn fake.

U-muthafuckin-G-H

I AM SO STRESSED!


i need a muthafuckin hug and a bobdamn nap!

...so sad...

im about to drown!

im up to my neck with shyt to do. ya ya ya go ahead and say it, "way ta procrastinate Maya" ya well fuck you! ive been busy! scratch that...i will pay thee no mind my life is currently full distractions and mishaps. but really i just took a sec and laid all the shyt i hav to do by sunday because on sunday when everyone rolls back into town i wnt be doing anything but kickin it, i already know. so thus i have to
1. write the rules for this black lit group project
2. write not 1 not 2 but 4 history essays!
3. do a slide show for psych
4. write a 3 page essay for psych on a movie character, im doing superbad!
5. get in touch with my psych group and my black lit group and get all these projects finished and prepared.
these are the 5 things that are gonna ruin my life for the next 2 days....

i would rather chill out do some laundry eat my ass off and tickle this bass for the weekend (all pun, yes i said tickle!)

health update! Marvin has been waiting on a heart AKA a hard drive. ya well thats a damn lie kuz this heffer AKA my mother hasnt even ordered his heart! thus that means all this time ive been askin about my liuttle boy she's been bold faced lying in my face! like if there is one thing i hate-HATE its a liar. so ya its thanksgiving and all and she better be damn thankful i aint snap on her ass! she almost got a "wit yo bitch ass! fake. SO fake!"

chatting with mica crayton

so in a rather fantastic convo with Mica i hav come to a conclusion that i hav long ago concluded but the way she spit it let me know that she's right. i wnt say what was discussed but i will say it was worthwhile.

ok since i hav your attention i would like to use this time to say that you, all of you, are failing! this rapid increase in boo'ing is fake! dori how dare you?! you bet not leave me. so yes im being spiteful and jealous but i wanta be boo'ed up too! =( "im all alone there's no one here beside me" and some of you will be saying what about "so and so" ya, what about him?..
hey! ive got a grand idea lets make some code names for these handful of individuals
ok so we have...
1- mr. man=yes from the summer. he rapidly became my fav and now we're back to strangers, mere facebook friends. passing hello's and random pointless texts. i kinda miss that kidd tho.
2- mr all american=from freshman year. now that he's off to another skool, i cnt be what he wants but i do care for him and i want him in my life. but this whole where is carmen sand diego deal gets old and frustrating! heart him tho, cnt help it...my piggy :)
3- mr wonderful-i say that with the slightest sarcasm. but he kinda just showed up one day and ya, he is textbook awesome, but being that he's got the golden opportunity to be gone for a semester...i dnt wanta get attached. and honestly, we lack that spark, and i go on instant connections. and while i definitely enjoy his company i dnt get that tickle like when mr man would walk into the room, and i dnt always smile at the thought of us like i do for mr all american.
4- just for the rumors...the bestfriend= yes, we're still just friends-never done anything. but while everyone keeps toying with this idea of an "us" ill say this much. he's my bestfriend. and sure we probably would make a great pair, its just not worth it to risk our friendship because he really truly is my best friend and i need him to play that role no one else can do it like im (no pun/all pun). but for the record, were getting married 4 kids (a reggie III so we can call him Trip! twins and another child) and a dog. ya, we're officially promised lmao! we come up with some funny stories.

so ya vivian is drunk, rather hilarious .:awk-turtle:.
ima go to bed now...

goodnight all
xo out this bit!

tell me what went wrong...

when the signals got crossed and we got lost.

i really whole heartedly want you to know, sir, that i am not mad. i am slightly disappointed, i will say that. and ill also say this, if you wanta know if im mad....ask me. i do a damn good job of keeping most things to myself so very few ppl would actually know if i had any type feelings on any situation that i deem to be personal. dig? things happen, ppl drift a part. but please dnt say that i didnt try to fight for you at all. i can only fight for someone who is willing to be won. thus, if im feeling like youre not even trying, why would i fight? it seemed so one sided at times and ive never, i repeat NEVER, been the type to chase after a guy. and if i didnt hit you up i wouldnt have heard from you. if i like you, if i want you, you'd know. you knew. i was willing to help you through whatever issues you had faced with she who shall remain nameless (i see her f'in EVERYWHERE and she looks at me like im f'in crazy) but anywho i really feel like, if i was worth anything to you, you woulda made an effort to make time, to call, to let me know that "ya im busy but i stil want you around". i do believe i hav said before in a post that i will only stick my hand out to help you, break my neck to stand by you once, because if you smack my hand away i will be less than inclined to reach out for you again. i miss you, i will say that. we used to be really cool, and now that we're damn near strangers i hate to feel like ive wasted my time, so have i? did i waste my time? aimless invest my time? well... ive been sitting here looking at the cursor blink trying to figure out what it is im really trying to say for like 4 minutes and i guess im done...and if you werent so hott i would be less inclined to smile when i see you lol. but really, honestly, we're cool. i just wish you woulda came to me before we dwindled back to just you and me, before the signals got crossed and we got lost...

your mind is moving faster than your heart

ive never been a "playa" but i toroughly respect the game. i have always been hopelessly romantic but i understand the risks involved and the gamble some things can be. yu, my sweet love, youre mind is moving faster than your heart. when you break up with some one it is always best to spend some quality time single for a while so you can get yoursekf back together heal and repair. if you break up with someone and then start chatting it up with someone else youve never fully removed yourself from one thing before investing in another.
friendship...aawww friendship...such a blissful relationship until these "lines" get crossed and these "boundaries" get blurred. feelings are 100% involuntary responses to actions/events. things may start as harmless flirting but feelings walk up in that bitch...oh baby...its O.V.
i understand youre scared, apprehensive, and weary but sometimes God will show the grace to send you someone that will help you through these healing processes as a friend and maybe as a love. i completely respect the fact you wanta keep and maintain a working, lasting friendship but some times you have to close your eyes, walk out on faith, and leap and all you ca do is hope, hope and pray, he'll be there to catch you. i believe he'll e there to catch. like a thief in the night he showed up on his white horse banner waving ready to sweep you off youre feet and now youre scared but realize, dear child, realize he's not him and youre not even you back then. some things are worth the risk, youll know when you kiss...

i think...

im about to cry and im not exactly sure why.
i just read Dori's blog-laughed my ass off! thank you Dori...
but she had this little prayer at the end for all of traveling and it slick touched me in the most elementary way i just wanta say "thank you" all of you. sometimes i think that God always a smile for me, in spite of my many flaws (i was about to list a few but i would need 2 blogs, a nap, and a snack) but he just keeps blessing me. and i think that honestly he should probably smite me, i can do some terrible things at times and i dnt listen to the good judgement He's given me and i dnt nearly deserve the good grace ive been shown. so "thank you. for loving me when i dnt even love myself at times" i guess that goes to my friends as well, because we've had some really good convo's since we've all split for break. (idk what we're gonna for Christmas! like oh-eme-gee this is gonna be no bueno) but i thiank them as well for always standing my me my little go babis whoot whoot for a smile and a kind word for all those hugs and countless giggles. Bless them please God, bless them indeed.
Dorian has a song on her page, i suggest you all go listen and read along. actually read it first and then listen its makes it even better. i think its gonna be my new theme songs. its deep.
and then, yes again from dori's, im reading the new love interest (draw a question mark in the air-shrug-"burf?!") but ive realized in light of recent events that have and are transpiring that im taking back a lot of what ive said before back and this time it'll be different because i wanta make some things work. and yes im stubborn and i shout and ill cut you out (i swear and i spit -so not cute,sorry) and im always in such a hurry to be everywhere with everybody and do everything but there's something in him that says take your time love, there's no need to rush its your life sweetheart. i just wish i knew some of what he feel, not necessarily about me, but about everything. ppl give their own variations of "him"...i want to form my own opinions, 'cause i saw somebody on the couch in the heat of the summer and again in the drunken early morning air and i dnt think he's the same person sitting on his car or high stepping every weekend.
the heart and the mind are very ridiculous organs, forever interlocked, and continuously at battle. im convincing my self of somethings only to feel something different. damn.

man...

i just saw the movie Quarantine! that shyt there was scary as hell! im officially spooked. i would say go see it but im like slick afraid of all sick ppl, animals (esp dogs and rats) and im no longer believing anything in the media. go see it and youll be feeling the same way....

ps-SAWGHOUSE SOCIETY ENT. if you miss it....well, damn dnt get mad SWAG! now get wit it or get lost

the irony

daily, probably more than once a day, i check our blogs (Dori, Le, Frankie, and The Crayonz) and it appeared to me this reoccurring theme of half ass saying whats on our mind and how we feel. im not saying we hold back or water down the truth, but in light of recent events ive noticed that we dnt say names, we semi walk around the major issues, and a lot of the time we dnt even say it. is it because we're afraid of what ppl would say? our own repercussions for admitting the truth? are we shy? ashamed? i think some of it is about propriety, you cnt just say what ever walks into your head, a lot ppl wouldnt like me anymore... oh well. there is a shyt load of stuff to say in my head and i never do, i think thats true for all of us. this interests me because we all agreed that these blogs are personal property and that whomever should so read it cnt actually be offended. i guess im saying all that to say this...these blogs will never truly be ours. we have published our souls in a sense, releasing it to the public for analysis, criticism, and rebuke. and i gotta admit sometimes when random ppl bring up this blog i feel like im naked in front of a crowd. its a rush tho, to know i just said that to the world, THE WORLD! like anyone who googles me or anything close enough to me will find this, find me, uncensored and honest. wow....thats kinda got me buggin. but really,the majority of "worth while" posts are the effects of other ppl, the sweet things theyve said, the heartache for the things they didnt or even did, whatever they do that effects us we capture the moment and post it for the world. thus, they kind of become the property of those who have given us some mild revelation. thats slick bogus. i think ima start writing in my blog. i used to be a rather talented writer idk if i still have it tho. we'll see i guess. the irony, i write almost every day, but i have yet to really write. as if to say i am alive every day but ive yet to live. i started this blog for me, but ive pretty much dedicated it to you. as if to say im handing you me via email. we all have, in some way, shape, or form, dedicated our blogs, for the most part, to the memorial of one person, their events, our thoughts of them, and their screw up's and ours. i guess we all have our mr. monotony in a way. i just kinda wonder when will all of this, all the silly things we write, all the vivid imagery we weave, when will we wrap in the blanket? when do we stop existing and live? when do we stop writing and finally read the book? i guess there are still chapters to develop, still moments to capture, still blogs to post...

the longest time

If you said goodbye to me tonight

There would still be music left to write

What else could I do

Im so inspired by you

That hasnt happened for the longest time

Once I thought my innocence was gone

Now I know that happiness goes on

Thats where you found me

When you put your arms around me

I havent been there for the longest time

Im that voice youre hearing in the hall

And the greatest miracle of all

Is how I need you

And how you needed me too

That hasnt happened for the longest time

Maybe this wont last very long

But you feel so right

And I could be wrong

Maybe Ive been hoping too hard

But Ive gone this far

And its more than I hoped for

Who knows how much further we'll go on

Maybe Ill be sorry when youre gone

Ill take my chances

I forgot how nice romance is

I havent been there for the longest time

I had second thoughts at the start

I said to myself

Hold on to your heart

Now I know the woman that you are

Youre wonderful so far

And its more than I hoped for

I dont care what consequence it brings

I have been a fool for lesser things

I want you so bad

I think you ought to know that

I intend to hold you for the longest time

-i ran across this on travies blog. i figured it must be for me... :-) i ♥ you too babes! lol na but travie is the lead singer of Gym Class Heroes. i ve posted one of their song lyrics a while back and another poem he wrote called Quilts. but every now and then he writes something like this and posts it on his own blog so i run along and snatch it and share it with you. i like to read poems like this, by men, because as women we can get so mushy and overly wordy, but guys...sweet and simple. i like this and i hope youre feeling the same things too.

-xo-