way back when....

i had a twitter no one had a twitter! but now EVERYONE is on twitter!

so ya i went to log in and it didnt work so i said eff it and recreated myself. www.titter.com/MayaTheXoXo follow ya gurl

i think i may make one for swaghouse! thats not a bad i dea

so much to say

so let me introduce Peaches n Cream. im not gonna say much about him because this is something i really wanna keep low key. but he's got mad potential...today showed me a lot. i still have my reservations and for good reason but he is text book top of the line in most ways.
im gonna keep all the little details to myself for reflection and giggles. ((stop being nasty, it aint even nothin like that))

Mad shout outs to a certain blog {Close to Spectacular/Fantastically Well} that kidd Bestfriend be bloggin bob-damnit. Backed up? nigga i feels you! i was definitely conversing with my TWIN!! and i confided him that a sistah is...lacking the Crown Royal on ice...dig? after departing from my last looooong relationship of lies and bull ive been doing some revamping to myself, re centering my psyche and all that jazz. i have a new fav thing, yes but im not about to take that to the level of intimacy because that takes us waaayy farther than im ready to go. so that last junt had the last go round back in February so some goodgood is now due. that new Jeremiah song...well my bday is rapidly approaching so i think ill be putting that to use, sorry. hell, no im not.

<==A MOVIE REVIEW==> i know, opinions are like assholes, everyone has them, but i HIGHLY suggest that everyone go see Angels and Demons! its a Ron Howard film so you already know it goes HAMM!! the action was great, the drama was stunning. Tom Hanks is my nigga! but really it touches on a lot- the hypocrisy of religion, the parallels of religion and science, the issue of wanting something so badly you do the wrong things to obtain it (im sure there's a word for that but i cnt find it), your own beliefs, the lies in the media. it was awesome Two XO'S waaayyy up! also this is older but i also suggest Vantage Point its good too. so grab a boo and head to a theatre near you- or couch if you got tha buh-buh--buh-buh BOOTLEG! lol

goodnight all its been real

xoxo

you better...

HAE MY MONEY ON TIME!

its friday and in the wonderful world of workin folk, that means...PAY DAY MUTHAFUCKAS! lol
and here at honky tonk Vought, we talkin EVERY FRIDAY!
i set up direct deposit but it didnt post this morning so i sent my hr manager an email politely askin "bitch where my money" she replued i hav a check for you in my office

damn right

forgiveness is such a simple word

unless its you thats hurt.

its a journey. some ppl will gladly make the trek for any trangression i cnt say im that inclined to find my keys,

i want a dog!

PS

yes im in my cube IPod bumpin Gucci, Biggie, Kanye, Kid Cudi, and yes Chip the Ripper!

"PARTY AND BULLSHYT" baby!!
have a good day everybody!

OBAMA FOR YA MAMA!

on the job blogging!

so my dreaded job is lookin up. now that we're in the system i can surf the net and blog! yayy, right! i know! so while i definitely had a really bad night until "someone who is yet to be named" showed up, im leaving that night where it is because i cnt even really formulate all thie the things i wanna say with all the things i feel and all the bullshyt that it was. so im taking this time while still rackin up that 12.50 an hour to say that the black ppl at my job are the best! lmao. this place is HHUUGGEE and while there are restrooms scattered throughout the manufacturing floor, they are both nasty and elementary. they have the big fountain sink between both restrooms to cater to the male and females. and while at first i was like oh wow flashback pnce inside i realized everyone is leaving this restroom without washing their hands!! i stood in complete disgust in the potty for 10 min because i couldnt touch the door. so i wrapped my hand in tissue and escaped. that afternoon i was passing a man whi spit into the sink. that was the last straw. now aside from the manufacturing side there is a coporate sde to this facility. the restrooms on that side are up to my standards. so whenever nature calls i venture across the factory floor to the pretty potties. so today im in the stall (sp) and two Black ladies come in
"Whoo child!"
"Hunnay! you aint lyin!"
they enter the two stalls and continue
"Did Betty lookin at us coming across the floor?"
"Nose Betty? she tryin ta figure out why we cnt use the Colored Bathroom"
"Ooohh you so mean!"
"I dnt work on this slave ship to piss in that out house!"
"what you said!" so by this time im out and at the sink
they join me and smile like little grannies.
"see Hannah, even the children wnt use that God forsaken dump!," to me, "Good for you sweetheart."
i just smile.
"Thank you for the laughs, yall have a nice rest of the day."
"you too baby, dnt let the man keep you down!" i cracked up
lmao! that convo was so hilarious and while its so racist and seemingly ridiculous, its tru. when youre the obvious minority its very dfficut not to equate all issues to race. in my office i am the only black person!! in meetings im 1 of 2 women and the ONLY BLACK PERSON!
yesterday me and two other hite guys were walking to another floor of the plant with a box. and he says" just drop it there Tom. Drop it like its hot" WTF?! i looked at him like i had never heard such vernacular. later on he said "wack". i wanted to scream. sometimes its funny to watch them try to be cool but really its flatterig that they wanta be "down" and that my presence makes them so aware of their "old boys club". but at the same time i find it offensive. you dnt have to curtail your common vocabulary because im here. i can out talk most of these ppl anyway, white or black. its just funny that as far as we've come there are still at least 50 pickup trucks with confederte stickers, plates, and tags. and that the entire management staff here is white. except for aubrey, the HR manager he's a Nupe. but hey, the president is Black. there's no denying that! i might wear myObama tee tomorrow. they'd probably lynch my ass, let me not.

on a lighter note

so i work at Vought Aircrafts right and honestly i hate it. its a stupid big factory that builds wings and shyt and its dirty. i mean i understand yall up in here manufacturing but gotdamn! thats issue number 1!
2- its hot as hell!
3- everyone is white!!! like when i see a black person i damn near wanna hug 'em! this internship is actually for the kids of employees and clearly they all are corporate and manager level employees. well this honky tonk motherfucka asks me of im willie from shipping kids! HELL NA NIGGA! BIG MIKE DOWN DO THIS BULLSHYT! i saw an asian today i was really excited!

on the way home...(i was so sad huey was gone, this was Hell Na Hall of Fame material) picture a ragedy car.....now hit ti with a bus. thats what this caucasian woman was driving that. and she's sucking the shyt outta this square at the light. resting her arm out the window she drops it. i figure she's done, well she hangs her head out the window to see where it fell, opened the door and picked it up, right back in the mouth and then she pulls off driving like a bitch outta hell. i was in my car screaming EEWWWW!!! i wanted to like "our" mom's do and pop her hand for getting anything off the floor. Jackie would punched me in the back of my dome! i was disgusted. this is when all well raised counterparts shake their heads and sigh alound saying,"white people..."

some ppl-correction- some NIGGA S...

never change.

so i get a message (oohh -sigh-, the dreaded inbox) and in it...you guessed it! a message! from a homegirl, one of my few and she says

"Tell your ex boyfriend don't put his number in my inbox...it willl never get put to use unless I'm callin him to cuss his ass out for you....talkin bout hit him up sometime "NeVeR"...

and he has the nerve to hit me up like "im coming to nashville to take you out" and when i decline he's all "so talk to me baby whats your mind?" uhm...maybe tha fact that time and time again you do bullshyt like this! she is my friend! and to spite the bullshyt that he may think! ive never talked to his friends! i wouldnt! ugh! they arent even my type, honestly.

as you can see im well past frustrated, im so thru.

no! im NOT dead!

so my acebooncoon, my jack of all trades, my nigga, The Aleesa calls me today in the middle of my nap and she's all "are you ok? omg!" im like huh?! im fine! she sounds like she's about to cry tho so i dnt wanta pressure her to talk. so she calls back and suggests i do some facebook damage control because according to facebook IM DEAD! whaaaatttt?? im so not dead. and given the fct that i have damn near died, i dnt take such allegations lightly. an old friend from high skool O, his status reads " R.I.P. Maya Matthews. Life can be so crazy." wtf?! so i go ham. ppl have messaged me, ppl left comments. and being that i dnt have my phone there were even ppl on their way to my house! as flattering as it is to see that in the unfortunate case of my passing, i would be genuinely missed i have to decline all sympathies being that im still here! fresh to death ya but no where near casket sharp.
sorry for the misunderstanding.

xo love life

that old saying, its a lie,

its not better late than never. its better now than not at all. if you have something good i beg of, all of you, i implore you, it would behoove you to 1) realize and 2) cherish. realize what you have and what it means to you. if you know that you have something worth while you would make a conscious effort to take care of it, to never do it dirty, to never fuck it over. cherish it. its not enough to just know that you have something good, you have to tend to it. if anything is ever going to grow and bloom then you need to nurture it, love it, and be responsible with it.
i could be so mean and say "i told you so" but im almost sure it fall on deaf ears. you have no idea what i went thru for you. i never have been a half stepper, go hard or go home. so now that youve shown up on some "can i see you" shyt im not at all inclined to entertain and endure anymore bullshyt or heartache.
im a good woman and i know that. you should have too.

"you better hope that arm candy that you left your good ex for stays down and comes in handy"

i really shouldnt care

but i reviece a message "hey Maya...youre a novice Muhahahahahaha"
novice by definition is to be new to something, a neophyte, etc.
i replied "youre narcissistic"
narcissistic by definition is one concerned only with themself, i think thats fitting.

maya, novice?? nigga please. im a season vet at this bullshyt and youre not ready for the big leagues.

im going to church, i wasnt at first but i definitely am now!

i never knew

i never knew it was this bad-well i guess i did but im shocked now because its becoming so much worse. he used to be my best friend...i wanted to be just like him when we were kids...he was my epitome of cool.
i see him in my face because we look just alike but when i look into his face i dnt know the man staring me back. empty eyed, he replied "everything is fine" the one of many lies. idk when he took the turn for the worst but its so easy to blame it on his rich white friends, or the white trash he calls friends, none of them are real friends... maybe its his soon to be baby mama, or maybe it was back in high skool when he cracked under the pressure. labeled a failure i think he is just subconsciously playing the role.
he's in way over his head now, doing things we never raised to do. "a sawed off is federal" i told him "a digital scale is federal" i reminded him. but even at his worse i just knew he would turn it around, pull it off and remarkbly become everything he was destined to be, proving everyone wrong we'd high five at his rise to success. that beacon of hope is a flickering candle in increasing winds.
ive prayed for his safety, for his future, for his soul; but im afraid now that they have gone unheard, unanswered. i never knew it would be like this, im sure if had that i may have been able to save him. everyone else has given up on him, wrote him off, and renigged their love-im all he has. turn my back on him? wash my hands of it? how could i do that?! why would i even want to?! i know that its bigger than me, that i cant protect him but im still ALL he has. im his one true friend, his only real love, his final glimpse of agape (google it.) im the last fan, the only cheeleader, the head and assistant coach but its 4 and long im not sure he make it out of this one.
my biggest fear in my life is that theyll call and tell me my brother is dead and thatll be the night i missed his call.

IM NOT IRRATIONAL, IM EMOTIONAL

all the things you didnt say

this cam eup a while back with me and the infamous reesey pooh about the fact that if you (whoever the "you" in your life is) if they dnt say the things you like to hear,i guarantee someone else will.
it honestly really upsets my heart that i still default to the faults of a past "you" but it is what is.
point= i got a infamous facebook chat form someone rather random but he is actually a really sweet guy and he says, "excuse me sweetheart but i find u gorgeous as all hell i would greatly appreciate your conversation" no im not for the formality of cliche approaches but it always feels good to hear that youre still desirable.
so i gave a white lied and said i had a bf just to get out of it lol but hey apparently im still hott.
but the fact is "you" never said those things and even now that i have a new "What It Do" or two lol na but this "you" says all the right things and i damn near dnt know how to handle it. its terrible to think that i dnt even kno how to feel when im being treated right. like when did i get this abused that good doesnt even get received like it should.

oohh! surprise surprise! you thought ya knew hoe was gon hold ya down...WRONG! she already tried to holla at my What It Do! silly boi, you thought you was gone one up this?! that cnt be done.

give it to me

"im so cool calm and mellow
ill have you by hello.
there's no need to be shy,
give it to me.
fuck what you heard-
i can make you a believer"

so me and aleesa (the mac) and isoke (the heart throb)- my niggas!- us plus the coolest negro ever The Joshua L. and his sidekick the ever chill Monty we all go to cafe coco to grab a bite and catch up and this kidd Joshua (pronounce yo-shoe-awh) who the boiz know, he comes up in true cafe coco finesse with his guitar and nappy dreds and plays us this song...sick with it. i was a little concerned in the beginning with the whistling but...hell, im a believer! lol i love raw talent.

i wanted to share that first before i go back to being {{DEPRESSED}} why? because Dunkyn-yes! THE GREAT DUNKYN, my first love, my son, my vehicular comrade...he's sick! im driving down the interstate and "ding ding ding" my check engine light comes on and im like "wow, thats a first" and the 5 fucking seconds later my car drops to 30 mph and wnt accelerate! in friday evening traffic! and it hovers there like its not going anywhere! so i get off and who do i dial...crisis+maya=DADDY! and he's like "aw shit maya, what the fuck?! i just cancelle the road side assistance" this is the same kind of bullshyt that happened when insurance dropped me and not my brother from insurance because he was too old not me and then i sprain the shyt outta my ankle! i have the WORST timing! anywho, my son is sick so after some exstensive bullshyt, rain, tears, and yelling. he gets towed but now i gotta have him taken to saturn for a system diagnostic...wtf? hell idk. but thats the next step...til then im rideless...all bad. and id definitely just got a job that starts monday at a smooth $12.50 a hour...UGH!
daydreamers please wake up, i cnt sleep anymore.

last thing! i love niggas that pop up with old crushes. man i love summer...lol. i justhad to go ahead and tell him "you wnata know if the truth...pull the zipper down and see." road trip anyone? ha!

my love is no good

WATCH OUT WORLD!

im employed!! yayy!!

and i even got a boost in my confidence..."why" you ask...

one of the men interviewing me had HUGE EARS!

i know its wrong but i felt great about my ears there after. i even had to reach up and touch my own ears just to try to compare. lol.

so ya, im making that GUAC!-amole!!!

so can i get an "AMEN" to the woring woman!! AND....NEWS FLASH...THIS MEANS I CAN MOVE!!! -sigh- God is sooo good to me.

a beautiful mess, glitter in the air

Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands? (the sensuality of feeding a loved one)
Closed your eyes and trusted, just trusted...(with out trust there is no love)
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air? (a beautiful mess.)
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said "I just don’t care"

It’s only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg
The sun before the burn
The thunder before lightning
The breathe before the phrase
Have you ever felt thIs way? (this whole stanza is so beautiful to me. all the beginnings of huge things to come)

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone? (i know ive done that)
You’re whole life waiting on the ring to prove you’re not alone...(until its not who you wnated and you feel even more secluded than before)
Have you Ever been touched so gently you had to cry? (i wish lol)
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?

It’s only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table
The walk before the run(you know those 2 steps just before you take off. away, is like an escape; toward, is more of anticipation of reaching where ever youre going)
The breathe before the kiss(you know the little one you take just before you meet. if its good kiss you kinda sigh in the middle of it. dnt act brand new)
And the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?
la la la la la la

There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee,
Calling me sugar
You called me sugar!

Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight
Have you ever held your breathe and asked yourself will it ever get better than tonight?
Tonight...(that is the infamous question. the "do i stay or do i go" "is is ever gonna get better", especially if the tonight was really bad)

i know i threw my 2 cent all in this but if you can just read the song first. Glitter in the Air: Pink and then add in my little footnotes, see if you were thinking what im thinking. great minds think a like...

ps i love this title because when i graduated some of us taped bags of glitter in our hats and we did the hat toss we opened the bags and then threw our hats. it was absolutely splendid, a spectacular air show but right as i covered my eyes i couldnt help but think of the mess this was gonna make. and now that im typing all of this i find my self drawing other conclusions..."we" were just a beautiful mess. the breath before "we need to talk".

the greatest thing you could ever learn...

is just to love and be loved in return.

the greatest thing you could ever learn...

is just to love and be loved in return.

SHALOM

do you remember this guy?! ya, he's a Jew. ya, he was like extra cool back in the day. ya, he's a super excited white guy.

Yes fool, its BILL NYE THE SCIENCE JEW-I MEAN GUY LMAO

na but forreal he is a jew, but i was like super excited to see him and his show lol

gettin' my teacher on

so during the skol yr i began volunteering at fall hamilton elementary and sincer ive completely falllen in love with it. these kids are a trip! the most gangsta lil hood rats but theyre smart and theyre funny and i miss them when im not here. but today ive been give the task of AR tests. lately ive been looking up books and marking them with the number level (0-5) but today im making the tests. just 5 questions to see if they have comprhended what theyve read and retained it. the point is im sitting around reading kids books, where the wild things are, courduroy, and junie b. like i used to love these shits! this is such a flashback for me, i wish i was 8 again because the more it approaches...20 doesnt come with all the perks i thought it would...well damn.

NEWS FLASH! i have interview...OH SHYT! i know right, like ya im gonna have to get this job so i can do what?! move to an apartment! with who?! sadly np, not the juice man, e kellz. as friends, its important to realize that not everyone can just jump up and make these major changes as easily as some. i refuse to move back to 3500 John A merrit so im not. that option is still open for him. there's nothing wrong with that but i dnt have that option and i wnt have it. but i am working on moving now with my nigga the one and only big sis, reesey pooh!! and the crowd goes wild!!! lol but really i think its better this way. so if i get this job and its talking the rite numbers...ya im chunkin te deuces to 1013 Carla Ct and hiring 2 negroes and truck to get all my shyt and im OUT! please Jesus, let it be...

xo my niggas!

pet peeve...

not holding up your end of a bargain. if i enter into an agreement, a relationship, a general understanding with you please believe i will be do all things with in my power to uphold what i said i would do, handle, and be. a sure fire way to piss me off....drop the ball. this isnt just about you, there are other ppl involved, thats just selfish.

and the bitchass winner is......

you!

c'mon down bitchass and tell everyone youve won!

can i

i wanta sustain you. give you every ounce of reason to assert every bit of effort for everything you do each day. i wanta stand for you, i wanta cry for you. if need be, i wanta be able to die for you. i wanta give you the faith you need to move any mountain, and i wanta be the praise for all accomplishments. i wanta be your conscience, the little voice that keeps you going. wanta be your ego, i know you can back it up. i wanta be the smell that you fall into, the one that brings a subtle smile. i wanta be your unsurpassable joy, your bliss. i wanta be the best kiss, the one you compare all others to. i wanta be your indescribable. i want you down and out, so i can i can lift you up. i want a code blue, so i can bring you back. i wanta smile back you when you smile at me. i wanta reach for you when we cross a street. i want "two for the 9:40, please". i wanta make a copy of my key. i want you on one knee. i wanta forehead kiss. i wanta piss you off, just so we can make up. i want you to see me with no make up. i wanta wink at you across a crowded room. i wanta talk until the sun replaces the moon. i wanta wake up and youre beside me. i wanta peaceful sigh before get up and brush my teeth. i want scrambled with cheese and 2 over easy. i want it your way, my way, our way. i want you to stay...the night, the morning, the life. i wanta "i cant find my panties" and a "honey where's my keys" i wanta argue about music and yell during sports. i wanta six pack with a pink bow. i want you to willingly hand over the remote. i want your trust in me. i wanta trust you whole heartedly. i wanta see you apologize when youre wrong, then sigh like it was so hard to say. i wanta text with a smiley face and imagine your face. i wanta be your anchor, keeping you grounded. i wanta be your trophy, to show out with. i just wanta be...your everything.

finals=

FUCK I NEVER ACTUALLY LEARNED SHIT! lol

na but its show time!
ima go give old ass pangle the bizznass and chunk her the deuce deuce.
i gotta run aaalllll the way back to antioch because i left my short stories then come back and drop that off.
tuesday history-cheating is a thing of beauty
late nite study session with my nigga dominique! that should be hella funny
and then wendesday Hola, muthafuckas! spanish final and then ima cop my tv and movies and check the fuck up outta hell-oh i miean hale.

yessir! ill holla


XO

whats done in the dark

so let me be grown again and shout out WetWet for a real ass heads up.

its crazy how after the fact theres always soooo much that comes out. u thought i wouldnt find out...like forreal im no dummy. the only stupid thing i did was believe you over anyone else. i should hate you, but even now, i dnt. i will say this tho. fuck you, kick rocks.

if im not wrong...

i wnt apologize.

ive said it before and ill say it again...
this is blog is for me. i will neither censor nor hold back anything i wanta put on here. be happy i at least try to protect your identity. i could just fully blaze everyone but i wnt. moral of the story, you dnt HAVE TO read this. feel free to click the X in the top right corner and delete www.insightbyxoxo.blogspot.com from your history. get with it or get lost, xoxo is here to stay