struggle pt 2

i took a class to day for a whopping FIVE HOURS to receive my serves permit. the instructor was nothing short of a character but he said something that i liked so i figured id pass it on....

life's soul purpose is to give love, be loved, and share your existence. its about ppl and relationships. pay the good shyt forward.

kudos mr abc man....tou che.

its been an "interesting" couple of weeks, months, just going through some things, dealing with some issues but there a handful of people that have shared this struggle, this existence with me...i thank you. you should know who you are, if you dont....trust your instincts-it must not be you.

the struggle

in my little journey to independence or whatever this growing process is, ive gained a new found appreciation for pain, for struggle, for the bad days, for the rain. contrary to popular belief my life ----->> FAR from charmed. ive worked myself to the bones for the good things i have and it seems all too fragile to get too comfortable in a good place. i say that to say this, the other day it stormed-im talking weather advisory, mom calls to say "go home, its going to storm", the kinda storm when my great grandmother Cora "Cuddy" would make us sit still in the dark with all the mirrors covered while "God worked", it was bad. and then....it was over. i looked out the window to my right and there were two perfect rainbows. i smiled.

there apparently can never be a rainbow without the rain. no joy without the pain. so all the bad, all the struggle reminds me that this temporary discomfort is for a permanent improvement. so bring the hurt, bring the pain, the rain...i look forward to the rainbows.

what do you want to do before you die?

so there's a new show on mtv, The Buried Life, and i really dont watch it but i caught the end of it when i started my dvr of My Life as Liz. and teh premise for the show is a simple question...what do you want to do before you die?

......................................................................................

well damn.

theres all sorts of tomfoolery, all types of obnoxious parading, im talkin oodles of ish, sin, laughter, throwup...its outlandish.

but really i wanna see things that frighten me, that move me to tears. i wanta go places i shouldnt and do things i wont talk about. i wanta say the things im afraid to say to the ppl that need to know them.

i wanta live.

i wanta live a life im proud of, no regrets. i wanta smile til my cheeks quiver, and cry til my back hurts. im nnot saying i wanta hurt, im saying i wnata feel. i wanta feel things so intense and so meaningful, i wanta live and be moved to live.

the one thing...

the one thing i want most is probably my biggest fear. maybe im afraid to be happy, maybe ove over thought it so much that ive convinced myself i dont deserve to be that happy or simply that it could never be. maybe ive just run every possible scenraio, every outcome, run them all so vividly that ive talked myself out of it. know this: you say it best when we say nothing at all.

National Everybody Hates Maya Week

my ego wants to be like "damn i must be on my shyt to have everybody hatin" but my pride cant stand the disrespect and i just wanna push everybody shyt back.
im no snitch
i aint fuckin nobody man
if you claim to be a grown ass woman, please handle all accusations, confrontations, and anything dealing with my name like a grown ass woman.
im really over this shit and having my name drug thru the mud. ive never done anything to anybody to desrve this outlandish bullshit. but know this: youre a coward. you wont bring that shit to me, especially after i invited you to meet, youre a coward. quit all that cyber beef and big talk. show up. im not for the launchin, im really not for the disrespect-get at me.
its been a HELL of a SUCKY ass week. so anybody with any issues with me better get 'em out this week cause after sunday im cuttin bitches off.

Happy-EST Valentine's Day

so in typical girl fashion i was all bummed that my chronic singleness was going to leave me totally alone and bored for Valentine's Day. Background: while ive had my fair share of "relationships" ive never just really had a great vday. dinner and movie, chillaxing, sex...and thats really only one time. prewrapped vday baskets-bummer. i dont really care for stuff i love the effort. which is why.....EARL is my favorite vday present EVER! being that im a neo to Alpha Kappa Alpha a frog was very fitting, and he's HUGE! and he's holding a giant heart that just happens to say my damn name! "XOXO" tell me he's just not perfect. and what makes him so wonderful you ask? he was totally unexpected. i was late, no surprise there, and im waiting at the door of eric's apartment and finally The Bestfriend opens and he has this huge stuffed frog and he says his name is Earl. in that moment i could have died. to know that you matter enough to someone else to make the gesture that he did, means more than i can say. so the 4 of us go to All Fired Up, where you paint a peice of pottery then they glaze it and you pick it up! i made a piece that for discretions sake will remane nameless but his name is Hersh. and he made me Claire Huxtable. she's wonderful. ill post some pics when we go pick them up. But meet Earl!

i was watching a documentary about relationships, sex, attraction, etc. and it explains that the idea of attraction is based on being able to see something that you like in yourself in someone else. with that in mind, im attracted to him, with his attractive ass.

a harsh reality

It is both a very humbling and a disappointing realization when you come to the cold conclusion that you're not a top priority.
I would never claim to be so infamous that all need to shift their main focus to I. Its not that. I would never be so spoiled to assume all. Worldly rotations stop for me. Its not that. But it is a simple courtesy to make time and reasonable accomodations for someone you claim to want so badly. I hate to be a brat and if that's how it seems I apologize. But when time is equivalent to gold right now I would think that the common day rocks that fill said time and space on the day to day could be piled else where for a while. But since that aint this I'm not with that. Just another blatant example of why I should have never entertained you. Especially not when I already know that there's somewhere else I would much rather be...
There's a saying: don't make someone a priority when you're only an option. Makes sense now...
As usual, me and my seemingly simple expectations of people have left my feelings hurt and me upset. Silly girl, you'll never learn. SMH.